Day #224 - Like a Lamped Rabbit

I don't really know where to begin with this post but I am going to write in the hope that it will be of some cathartic value. Regular readers will know that I have been going through a bit of a rough patch just recently and I am still very much in it. I have wanted to get better for so long but you can never tell when the thing will kick in. This morning after a very restless night I was slightly optimisitic that the day should be tackled head on but I had to summon all of my strength to just get out of bed. I have mentioned self-harm in previous posts but I think that staying in bed gripped with fear can be very harmful in itself. I got up and did some tidying up and made my plans for the day. They would involve more cleaning and getting more organised. I had three large bags of rubbish to be taken out and had to collect some tools from a friends house that I left there last week or maybe longer. Depression can play all manner of dirty games with the memory, simple stuff can be impossible to recall and even simple arithmetic can be hard. So, I go out to my van and get ready to take to the road but the battery is just totally dead. What then? I went back indoors and then just sat and I have been pretty much sitting here since. The title of this post refers to the technique of using a strong light to point at a rabbit or other critter to stun it into stillness before shooting. I would not want to shoot anything but the expression "Like a lamped rabbit" is one you may have heard before and when referring to a human it means that one has just stopped in their tracks. I have been like this all day. The whole purpose of this post is just to try and break the cycle.

Right now I am ok-ish at the moment but I feel very frightened and anxious. The lack of sleep isn't helping at all. I have to admit at this point that I feel terribly ashamed of my depression. It is no surprise that people have distanced themselves from me but it is hard to be cheerful when you know that some folks that pretend to be friends are stirring up the bullshit to an enormous extent. In many ways this can make things much worse. Staying productive can be a great help but when stuff just keeps going wrong it pulls you down.

Last week I had a court appearance for the non-payment of a fine. The summons was issued before I paid the fine but I was not issued with a receipt. They authorities I paid insisted that I had been but of all the mail that has arrived this one VITAL letter has not. I went to the courthouse and explained to the person at the office what had happened but they told me that I would need the receipt otherwise my case could have a bad outcome. I decided to call the authorities again and ask them to fax a copy of the receipt to the courthouse. It was about a half hour of being passed around the various workers until I was told that they could not issue any copies via fax or otherwise. I had a lot of running about to do before I could get it all sorted out. It made me feel terrible. I have been feeling very low since then.

During the past few weeks I have been trying very hard to overcome the feelings of being down but it has been hard. I have been getting very tearful at times but when I am doing something productive it is a LOT easier. The shame and guilt of the depression is the worst. I never set out to feel like this and I would prefer that I didn't. I just want to get my life back and be happy again. I worry sometimes that it might never happen but the funny thing is that even just having written this far has lifted my spirits a little and I guess that that is a good thing.

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Last week I met with an old friend and we were exchanging stories of our respective times in the psychiatric ward. We both suffer from depression but we are good friends and have been for many years. He told me a story about one Christmas that he spent in the ward and about the party that was held for the patients. There was a raffle as part of the festivities and everyone was in with a chance of winning a prize. My friends' number was called and he presented his winning ticket to collect his prize which was wrapped up in Christmas paper. What was the prize? A set of screwdrivers. I have no idea what they must have been thinking when they decided that would be a good prize in a psychiatric ward but go figure. My friend was very happy with the prize but was just as bewildered as I was about the choice of items. We had a few laughs about it. There is a further part to this story but I will wait until next time to tell it. 

So, for now dear reader I will close but thanks for reading. I hope to post again soon as in perspective writing these few lines have helped a great deal. It was like talking to a friend that was actually interested in listening to you and thus helping cultivate a feeling of being of some kind of value. That is definitely a good thing. Take care and try to enjoy your days.

Day #219 - It Isn't My Fault But I Must Be Responsible

I will dispense with a lengthy apology about not having posted in nearly a month. I was not well. The old black dog of depression is always there but I was pushed by a number of events that led to me being hospitalised briefly. I know that I have mentioned many times about the depression so I will try to avoid being repetitive. I am going to try and explain in this post something about the stigma of it. People may pretend to not be any different than usual but only the most dull and disconnected individual will not recognise changes in the behaviour of others. I have found that in the past month folks have become more and more distant. A small number of "Lobsters" have taken the opportunity of my recent period of illness to further defame my character and name. The problem here is that when one or two people start to distance themselves from someone who has a mental illness and especially during an acute period then others will "join the herd" so to speak. This is a very rewarding situation for the lobster as they are seeing "proof" that they are "right" in hating you and consequently this self endorsing behaviour makes them feel even more self righteous than they already do. They seek to "improve" their shortcomings and character failings by cultivating further misery in their victims.

Recently I was seriously threatened by an individual with violence. I managed to secure the proof of this before they retracted it but I still fear this person and what they might do to me should they decide to. The bonkers thing about it is that the threat was an overreaction of alarming proportions, based on nothing more than a sort of oddly placed logic. Not long after that I was threatened by three others on separate occasions. Each of these individuals know eachother so it is a bit frightening. I don't have a band of brothers that could help me so I will try and stay well clear of these peopleOnce upon a time I used to be able to defend myself pretty well but I have lost a lot of my weight over the past decade as well as speed and agility. My strength is very poor these days too. Not so long ago I would happily throw a bag of coal over my shoulder or lift a (small) motorcycle a (very) short distance but these days I can barely climb a stairs without feeling worn out or at the very least short of breath. I detest violence but have no qualms about self defence however, unless I was very VERY lucky I would be a pretty easy target. I know a little martial arts but I haven't trained properly in years. Ironically this is down to the depression. At the end of this blog I will post a link to a short animated film about depression and hopefully it can explain better than I can in words what it can be like.

To return briefly to my recent period of depression, I must say that it is still very much there. One longs for these things to pass but once you have experienced an "event" that triggers it you are still reminded of the thing almost every waking moment - it is a vicious circle. My recent episode was not due to being threatened but it certainly didn't help. There is a Chinese proverb that says; "Drops of water will, in time, fill a barrel". So having been progressively weakened over the past couple of years it is always a cumulative series of events that can lead one to buckle under the strain. Unfortunately I cannot write about a VERY serious crime that was committed against me as a younger person. I cannot even be vague about it but I can say that via legal channels nothing can be done nor will it be. I wanted to "settle the score" on my own but I think that would be a REALLY stupid thing to do. I will just have to live with it.

I know of one particularly unpleasant lobster that recently said to me; "You've really got to get your shit together". I was stunned by such a statement as to my ears it was like blaming ME for having depression. To my mind such "advice" was like telling an amputee to grow a new limb or shouting at a paraplegic ordering them to get on their feet. I can only take comfort in the fact that the man that said this to me is an asshole for offering such "advice" and his true character is revealed in the fake concern embodied in such rhetoric. There is NO concern other than to see me suffer further.

I do hope to post some more before the weekend but for now I am just glad that I managed to write this much and that I am in reasonable enough health to be able to have done so. Thanks to you dear reader for looking me up again and hopefully you will again soon. For now I just ask if you could watch the video I have posted a link to and if you do have any friends or family members that are sufferers then try and show it to those people that just do not understand the condition of these people and the suffering that they sometimes experience. I genuinely believe that if more people knew that being stigmatised for being bipolar or for any mental health condition for that matter only makes things far worse for those that suffer from the condition. Stigma itself only increases the burden which in turn makes taking steps towards an effective recovery even more difficult. To those that continue to read the blog, thanks for checking back and staying loyal. My very best wishes to you whoever you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=XiCrniLQGYc