Day #54 - A wonderful afternoon in the country...

For the past week things have been quite odd. Last weekend I was feeling a bit "off" and was hoping that it was nothing but after becoming extremely faint one night I decided to go to the doctor to find out what was wrong. I had an ECG as well as blood samples taken to determine what is up. So far all is ok but I was really worried and I still am hoping that it isn't anything too dramatic. I need my strength. I hope it is all cool. The tiredness is the worst of it but I am feeling a lot better than I was. I will be getting the results of my tests within the week.

This week I was intercepted by a "community warden" and given a traffic ticket. I am going to contest it but it may not workout as these guys are "zealous" to say the least. On top of that I have had all manner of other stuff to take care of. Van tax, insurance, phone bill, letters for college, as well as about half a dozen other small things that MUST be taken care of. It has been difficult to record every single thing that I have been doing or need to track of. Middle age is certainly proving to be "interesting" when it comes to getting stuff done.

The highlight of the week though was a trip to the country to enjoy a good old fashioned afternoon tea. After a fairly murky start to the day the weather improved to the point where walking out was enjoyable. The venue for the tea was at the family home of a good friend who I have not had the pleasure of visiting in quite some time. I was travelling with my Mother who had been looking forward to a trip out the country for some time. I was happy to be visiting my friend's place because it is so much more enjoyable when the weather is good. Upon arrival we were brought into the kitchen where a magnificent spread had been laid on for us. There is something about a "simple" sandwich which cannot be beaten. My Grandmother was something of an expert in this field. When I call a sandwich "simple" I mean to say that it is not overloaded with more ingredients to make it "better" but that the constituent ingredients are not huge in number and that the ones that ARE used combined in a perfect synergy to each augment eachother in terms of the effectiveness of the flavour. My favourites were the roast beef that had just a little spring onion and tomato. The seasoning was just salt and pepper but the effect was absolutely delicious. I had more than a decent share of cake and scones along with about a half gallon of tea. Both my Mother and I had a wonderful time enjoying the good company and excellent food. It was somehow a reminder of simpler times. I am very grateful to our hosts for the wonderful afternoon in the country. I look forward to being able to do it again sometime.

Day #47 - Not that clever really

I remember once I was quite good friends with a character that I met at college. He was quite a bit younger than I and we met at a meeting of the college computer society. I felt really out of it at that first meeting but this chap was friendly and didn't seem to be as immersed in the same sort of self-congratulatory BS that many people that I have encountered in the world of computing are. We hit it off pretty well and became good friends. I thought so anyway. We ended up sharing an apartment for a while and had some pretty wild nights on the gargle. I introduced him to a lot of music and guitar stuff and he helped me quite a lot with my studies in computing. After a few years I began to see that a lot of my naive antics were something of an embarrassment to this guy and to be honest they were embarrassing to me in hindsight. I can understand why the quality of the friendship diminished and finally ended. Stuff like that can happen in all of our lives. It isn't such a big deal really. I was reminded today though after reading about someone that described how their behaviour alienated others and how it contributed to the severity of their depression. Now, I need to be clear, I am not in the least bit depressed that I am no longer associated with this person, far from it, I am glad because as it turns out the poor guy was not exactly the most honest or reliable of individuals. He had such a well developed skill in insincerity towards me and some others that was masked by a facade of honesty. Upon reflection this guy really had some issues in my opinion. I hope that he can recognise that they exist within him because ultimately he is probably not being honest with himself except in the voraciousness of his insincerity. This characteristic might well be seen by this chap (and his REAL friends) as a virtue but the fact of the matter is that it is insecurity that led him to behave as he did and most likely continues to. The passive BS and the "sharing" of hatred are the things that made me realise that his whole frame was very primitive but had all of the operational faculty of a very evolved person. It is a tautology that one can be primitively advanced and also a paradox. What is it that drives a person to smile through gritted teeth? To willingly engage with someone that they find unpleasant? I believe that it is a kind of self loathing projected onto another. I have touched upon this in previous posts but the thing that I find most interesting about it is that the sadistic "fear" that motivates such an individual can itself evolve into something far more toxic especially when the individual seeks the pseudo-intellectual endorsement of their peer group. Even covertly their actions are recorded in their own memory and carried along with them, referred to in a future time as some kind of "fuel" for being what ultimately must and can only accurately be described as an asshole. It is a currency amongst certain groups of people that they carry to others in order to gain their acceptance and "respect" but, again paradoxically, their inherent shortcoming is that they are cultivating the same sort of behaviour in others and ultimately setting themselves up for a dose of medicine similar to that which they have served upon others. In "Lord of The Flies", William Golding illustrates the group dynamic wonderfully and all manner of unpleasantness ensues towards the end of the book. It is only when the boys are rescued that "everything" goes "back to normal" and the primal urges subside. Regrettably the arrival of "rescuers" is happening less and less in the world owing to the fact that the value system of "evolved primitives" is all pervading and before much longer the behaviour itself will become "normal". By extension it is probable that a greater level of primitive behaviour will develop. Collectively this will be to the detriment of society in general. In can be summed up perhaps with the deep down belief that "I've had my fun and that ALL that matters!"*

That is not to say that all assholes have to be like that but it is true that a real asshole knows the difference between being sound and  being an asshole and yet chooses to be an asshole. I guess that is what makes them a REAL asshole.

I remember hearing a joke from the local kids when I first arrived in Ireland. I expect versions of it must exist everywhere but then again I would not be so surprised if they didn't. Basically the joke goes; Q. Why does a dog lick his balls? A. Because he can! For YEARS I never understood that "joke" but my reading of it as it eventually came to me was that someone will do something if they are able to do it. A sort of delineation of self absorbtion with regard to others. This is notwithstanding the "popular" interpretation of the thing that could well be; "We'd all be licking our own balls if we could!". I don't really want to even think about that. I do understand the whole self-indulgence angle. This though in my mind is a complete abandonment of civilisation (as it exists with ourselves). It is the absence of discipline, which to quote Robert Fripp is; " a means to an end and not an end in itself". It is to completely abandon the opportunity for us to develop as genuine and authentic human beings.

Something perhaps we all ought be mindful of lest we turn into assholes.

* Uttered by "Father Fintan Stack" played by Irish entertainer Brendan Grace in the 'Father Ted' episode, "New Jack City".

Day #43 - You have GOT to be kidding me!!!

When I was a kid I was very much a science head. I loved all things technical. I was lucky because my parents recognised this early on and they were both quite encouraging. They also bought me stuff that helped with my experiments. There was a down side, and this is not to blame them in any way, but they didn't have that much technical knowhow in the area that fascinated me - electronics. I was very keen to advance but I didn't know what I wanted to do. Maybe it was an intellectual lacking on my part but I wasn't sure how to go about "juicing it up" or even know that, that was what I should have been doing. My Dad worked in civil aviation and travelled quite a lot, he also worked shifts so when he was at home he was either sleeping or about to go to work. My Mother had NO technical knowledge AT ALL and still shudders at the thought of anything technical getting in her way. I have inherited these aspects of her character to some extent and my approach has always been a bit different from most folks. When I was very little my Dad went to Japan for some work related stuff and when he came back he brought home a battery operated robot. This was a really cool toy - it walked and would stop from time to time and raise it's RAY GUN - utter some sound that was "robot" for "stick 'em up!" or something and then fire a powerful blast of energy at it's target. I was fascinated by this robot and played with it constantly. It needed two large "U2" batteries. I fairly went through the batteries as "Zed" (as I called my robot) was "on patrol" a lot of the time. One day the power ran out and I decided that I needed to "fix" Zed. I earnestly began "emergency repairs". Some time later I realised that I had to put Zed back together because I "could not find the problem". I guess that it is the "rosy rear view" or "hindsight is 20/20" but whatever it was I had killed Zed in my efforts to "re-energise" him. THEN my Dad woke up...

It must have been an expensive present but it was also quite unique. I didn't know of anyone that had a robot like mine and my Dad was understandably miffed when he discovered what it was that I did. I couldn't put old Zed back together either. I didn't mean to kill Zed - it just was something that happened. The remains were thrown out and my Dad was annoyed for weeks. I remember hearing about what I did to that robot for years afterwards - well into my teens - usually recounted to friends of my parents by my Dad. I don't know if he was trying to get an endorsement of his anger or whatever, but I do remember that he didn't forget it.

The upshot was though, that I learned a valuable lesson. I was far more careful after that. I also got my first Lego outfit sometime after. My Mother recognised that I liked to construct/deconstruct and Lego suited that perfectly. I would recommend Lego to any parent. It is no wonder that it is the most popular toy for boys in the world. I'd like to see it gain that level of status with girls too. It is great.

Today I met and had a brief chat with one of my college lecturers from way back when I started. I described to him the amount of work that I had to do and what was involved. I explained that after having looked at the sheer volume of it all that I was a bit apprehensive about getting it all done properly. THAT is what I wanted to do was do it properly. I have weighed it all up and even though I might have made some kind of stab at it all I think that in all likelyhood getting five poor grades would have pulled my already respectable aggregate down to "pass" territory. IF I was lucky I might have got a third but that would have been it. The thing about programming is that you have to be doing it a lot not just a little. You cannot just dip your toe in occasionally and hope for the best. It requires consistency. It is with that in mind that I have elected to just submit my philosophy material so that I can approach all of my IT stuff with a clear head in the autumn. I have spent quite some time weighing all of this up and I am pretty sure that I am doing the right thing. The lecturer that I spoke to seems to think so. I also worry that by biting off way too much I might get unwell with anxiety should things not go according to plan. I am reminded of  thing that was said to me waay back by a good friend that ran a studio in London. The funny thing is that I have heard this back from other people since that have claimed that it happened to them - such is the power of a good story. Anyway, I was speaking to this chap many years ago and was telling him that I had to do this, that and the other thing and then I had a bundle more stuff to do. My friend said; "Trigger, life is like Marmite - you spread yourself too thin - you lose all your flavour!". I have always remembered what my friend said and have tried to keep it in mind. One of the things about bipolar disorder is that whole "being all things to all people" thing. It isn't  really  a good idea. I am going to work just as hard but adopt a more focused approach. Better to one or two things well that a half-dozen things in a mediocre fashion. Though some is better than none I'd sooner make a decent sandwich than a rubbish four course meal. There's no satisfaction in the latter.

I have decided that during the coming weekend I am going to try to streamline "the plan" and hopefully come up with a more worthwhile strategy. No point in going off half-cocked.

Day # 41 - GREED!!!!

During the past week I have been driving again. My old van was laid up for a while after it failed it's last roadworthiness test, that turned into a long period of time as I didn't really need it back then owing to the fact that I was trying to study for my degree. I wasn't doing any tools stuff or much work driving so it just sort of went by the wayside. I had always intended to get it back on the road and after spending some money and time on it last month I brought it in to be tested once again. Sadly it failed. The underside had become rusted during the past couple of years and it was just too expensive to get sorted out. I would have been able to get it done on my own  - I'm a pretty good welder - but I cannot just swan off to do the work as I am looking after my Mother. During the past few years the regulations governing the roadworthiness of vehicles has become very strict in Ireland and many vehicles that did not make the grade were ultimately scrapped. I have often wondered are test centres encouraged to go a bit tougher on older vehicles in order to "stimulate" sales in some roundabout fashion. It does not seem logical in times of recession to drive people off the road, especially with commercial vehicles but then I expect that someone knows what they are doing and it might all be for the best. I am skeptical though.

It was in the wake of this situation that I found myself looking around for a new van. When I say "new" I mean new to me. I could not afford a NEW van in a month of Sundays. I am also of the mind that spending €20,000 on a vehicle is complete madness. I don't think I could ever own a new car unless I had so much money it made no difference. I like getting the most out of a machine and if it is clean and in good working order, runs and meets legal requirements then I have absolutely no reservations about owning it. I found something in the classifieds for a reasonable amount and went for it. It is the same model as my old van and hopefully I can harvest as many good parts as I can from my old one and between the two have something that I will be able to get a few years out of. So far so good - although it is a bit smelly on the inside having been used as a farm vehicle for over ten years without so much as a cleaning..

As usual I am late writing this. It was a busy day but most of it seemed to be spent doing stuff that lies outside of the plan. I did spruce up a bit today to keep the relative "up" feeling that I usually get after a few days of depression. I had a good dinner but I am worried that I may be eating a bit too much and not realising it. I will have to start weighing myself in order to control any leaps in mass.

I am going to say a few words about greed this evening. It is not meant to be an exhaustive essay on greed but how it might manifest itself on the roads. People are greedy with their "me" time and "me" space. It is perfectly reasonable to want a little time and space to oneself but hoarding it without any consideration towards others is something I find repugnant. I have often referred to Ireland as the country where nobody lets anyone out. By that I mean that the courtesy of giving someone a break at a junction or even a car park seems to be beyond the capacity of most motorists. Some do offer a way through for the poor unfortunate stuck stopped at some spur road but it has grown increasingly rare. Such behaviour may have it's roots in the "famine" mindset where one's own survival depended on how much food one could get AND hang on to. As Bob Marley said; " A hungry man is an angry man!" Anger and other negative emotions will always come to the fore when food is in short supply. Desperate behaviour can manifest itself even when people believe that something is in short supply and in a crowd situation people can get really desperate. When Tsar Nicholas II was being crowned monarch and autocrat of Russia in 1896 a massive celebration was held in his honour at Khodynka near Moscow. Many thousands of people were attending the celebrations. Word got around seemingly that the free beer and food that was on offer were about to run out, it was then that people began to panic and in the resulting stampede hundreds of people were killed, some estimates put the number of deaths at over 2,000 with many more injured. The whole "grab it while you can" thing has not been lost on sales and marketing people for many years.

Motorists can get quite selfish on the roads because they are afraid that they are going to "lose their place", that they will have to suffer needlessly by letting somebody go before them. How many times have you been in a car and trying to get out of a side road when the next motorist that comes along just stares into the middle distance ahead of them whilst gripping the steering wheel pretends that they cannot see you? The simple fact of the matter is that the person that holds the "power" to let someone out does not, owing to the fact that they feel compromised by having to make this "needless concession" to another road user. Are these folks experiencing a bout of "Doublethink"? Maybe. One of the other things that I have noticed is the - usually male - driver that overtly offers right-of-way to another road user. It is more than just a coincidence that the other road user is a woman and usually quite attractive. 

There are other forms of greed on the road too - jumping lights and blocking up clear zones. The offending motorist convinces themselves that they will be 5 years late if they have to stop for the lights and sure "Ari, I can just squeeze through here, no-one will mind, sure doesn't everyone do it!" etc. By far the worst kind of driver is the one that speeds up towards a closing gap - just in case they get "held up" unnecessarily. The simple fact of the matter is that if folks spent a little less time getting anxious about their space and gave a little more time to other road users, traffic would flow with far greater ease and delays would lessen considerably. The worst of it is that nobody is willing to take the "risk" of trying it out - they think that they have far too much to lose.

And so dear reader, with that rant over I will bid thee good night and drift into the arms of morpheus as is my wont. G'nite.

Day #40 - All apologies...

I'd like to say "oops, I did it again!" or some such but it would not really be the truth. I have been struggling with the black dog during the last few days. One of the things that happens when it comes along is the total lack of confidence to do anything, just in case it goes wrong. The upshot of this is, of course, that nothing gets done. I'm beginning to feel a bit like a "lamped rabbit" - terrified that I am going to screw up and galvanised by fear of the totally non-existent consequences if I do. Today was Father's Day, it wasn't really a day that I paid too much attention to as it was often viewed as some kind of commercial exercise at home when I was a kid or maybe the folks were trying to keep the pressure off me. The funny thing is that now, at the age I am - heading to late 40's - I have plenty of friends that are Dad's themselves and quite a few who have, like me, lost their Dad to old age or illness. I thought a lot about my own late father today and what we might have been doing were he around. I don't really think that it would have been very much. He wasn't great at getting enthusiastic about stuff really. He was quite pissed off by the time he passed on I think. He had the look of a man that knew that his best days were probably behind him and as a result didn't think that it was worthwhile doing anything to entertain the possibility that there might be more to life than just "waiting around to die". When I look back I wish that there was something that I could have done to make his later years better but often it was just a sort of wilful resignation. I don't really know what I could have done to make stuff better for him. He was never really a man that shared his thoughts although he had some strong opinions. I feel that he was treated badly by some folks in his life and that made him suspicious of the motives of other people. I was a pretty young person when he was dealing with his own cast of lobsters but I remember who they are and I am not in any hurry to forget them. These are the kind of individuals that make themselves feel better by dragging others down. My Dad was a sensitive enough sort of a character but that was not considered an engaging characteristic when he was a young man and as a result I would say that he conditioned himself to avoid anything that made him emotional. That sort of supressed emotion cannot be good for you but he carried it with him most of his life. I don't know how and I have only a vague idea why. Now that he has passed on I hope that he finds some peace. Now that I have reached day #40 of the plan I am standing at a point where I must nail my colours to the mast so to speak. I will do this in memory of him. To quote Boxer - the large carthorse from Orwell's "Animal Farm" ; "I will work harder!". For this part of the journey I must and I will do it not just for myself, Mother, extended family and friends but also for my late father who must have really wanted it for me because he hadn't the will to do it for himself. Mainly for the reasons that I described as dwelling within myself at the outset of this post.

I am going to sleep with that in mind and see how it goes. G'nite all.

Day #36 - We all need someone to hate right? (Part 3)

I am quite keen to bracket this extended post as I don't want the blog to turn into some kind of manifesto. It isn't. What it is, is explained in the header notes. "Slightly off kilter ramblings". Anyway, yesterday I left it at a summary of how we are collectively quite insecure and how that insecurity is played upon to get us to do certain stuff. Once upon a time Ireland was a country that was quite immune to being manipulated but in some ways this has changed during the past 20 years. A while back there was a guy that phoned into a national radio station to express his views on the state of the nation. The guy said that when he left Ireland during its' last recession in the 1980's it was bleak but it still had an identity that was unique. He lamented the fact that when he was living in Ireland as a young man; "...all the girls were gorgeous with long dark curly hair and great bodies and no makeup...", he continued; "...now it's all anorexic blondes that talk like something off the telly and they all have panda eye makeup!"

The observation was quite acute and was echoed in a question that I was asked by a pair of biker girls that were visiting from Germany last year; "Tell me, why do all of the women dress like...how you say? Hookers?" It is true that many young women have that diet enforced figure with no tone or fitness to them. The fake tan and high heels and broadly they look like clones. Now yes, it is true that many women in days gone by looked similar but they looked IRISH, now there is little difference in appearance between the women here and those that can be found on any housing estate or suburban sprawl in the UK or beyond. Many talk with this strange inflection that sort of rises in pitch towards the end of each utterance. The TV sitcom "Friends" has a lot to answer for. Regrettably many of these young people consider themselves "free and individual". They are not. They are bound by the shackles of conformity. If they look like whoever is "hot right now" then EVERYTHING will be ok. The same goes for the guys but thankfully it isn't so bad. I am though, VERY concerned about the rise of bodybuilding and proliferation of the "juice"*. It is my belief that these uninformed augmentations to the diet of our young men cannot be good when administered by the uninformed and untrained. The lack of aerobic training may lead to all manner of cardio-vascular problems in the future. Getting pumped up is all well and good but if you don't have the aerobic ability to support such a large body then you are asking for it long term. Take a look at the greatest athletes, they don't look like musclemen. Those East Africans that can run for hours are not pumped. I'd sooner have endurance than short term strength. If you ever saw a turf cutter in action then that is the sort of physique that these lads should be after. Anyone that has seen a prime county hurler, oarsman, bi-athlete or paratrooper can use that as a template for quality fitness. Inside and out. I am beginning to digress however. I will end this with the statement that one of the most desirable and fittest women I ever knew was a professional dancer, a real one. I'm getting chest pains just thinking about her.

So. We all need someone to hate right? If we think about it it is pretty obvious. Apart from the reasons that I touched upon in earlier posts, the whole concept of the "other" is about self preservation and comfort. In "1984" during Winston's interrogation, denial was the first reaction. Then, it was an attempt at rationalisation. After that it was acceptance and finally capitulation. There is an important point to remember though and that is the attempt to deflect blame onto the other. In Winston's case it was Julia. In room 101 Winston was confronted by his greatest fear and in a last ditch attempt to avoid it he tried to deflect it onto Julia. People do this all the time when confronted by dire circumstances or even not so dire. In fact in order to avoid anything that might take us out of our comfort zone we will do whatever we CAN to make that happen. I have heard people fabricate the most laughable nonsense to avoid taking responsibility and it seems that such behaviour is instinctively ingrained. We can avoid doing it but more often than not our primal selves appear. To my mind that is a sign of "going backwards" or reverse development intellectually. Sadly we may be "hard wired" with the capacity to behave this way.

The idea of deflecting blame is not the same as deferring blame - deferring blame implies that at some future point we will accept responsibility, but "not right now". I can see no virtue in deferring blame and certainly none in deflecting blame. I believe that deflecting blame is privately admired and considered a virtue by many because the guilty party "got away with it" and who cares about the poor fool that had to "carry the can". It could be summed up in the phrase "I'm alright Jack!". It is at this point that we can examine the role of the scapegoat in it's many forms and guises. We all need someone or some thing to hate right? It makes the hatred easier if there is something different about the object of our hatred. The different always seem to get the worst deal - minorities especiallly. There are though some minorities that KNOW this and use it to protect themselves and guard against suspicion or further scrutiny. Political correctness as it has developed will subliminally colour our thinking and we find ourselves trying to avoid issues that NEED scrutiny and deep examination - in this case we may be avoiding a profound responsibility to ourselves as a unified whole. It is a disservice to the future development of the EARTH and it's inhabitants because we are only interested ultimately, in staying in our comfort zone. We might well publicly declare to have noble aims but it appears that we would prefer to do nothing - that way nothing can go wrong. THAT is what will happen - "nothing" WILL go wrong. It was the 18th century Irish philosopher and statesman Edmund Burke that said; "All it takes for evil to triumph is a few good men to do nothing!". Provided we have someone to hate we are absolving ourselves of the responsibility to do anything worthwhile for ourselves, our planet and ALL that dwell on it. This is more food for thought.

What then of those that seek to DO something ? - their motives must be scrutinised. It may well be that under scrutiny the motives may well be questionable owing to the fact that they may seek the endorsement and plaudits of others. I often get quite sick of watching some over "made up" and "highly sensitive" clone banging on about the poor children or starving millions whilst delivering their fake sensitivity in a $60 T-shirt and feigned expression of concern. Frank Zappa often satirised and lampooned such individuals. His tune "Heavenly Bank Account" is particularly sharp in it's observations. When I look at multi-millionaire media whores "get angry" about "the state of the economy" or "the underclasses" I feel sick. To quote Zappa; "There's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over!"

Finally, I believe it is time to consider the all-conquering "fame monster" and why it is that so many young people would rather become famous for whatever reason than become an engineer or scientist. Thankfully there is a rise in makerspaces, tech-celebrities (Prof. Brian Cox et al.) and rewards for innovation. It is a pity that a lot of earth saving technologies are being held back by the "elite" few that control the money supply. I believe that this happening because they too want to stay in their comfort zone. This may be considered by some to be seditious but what on earth is wrong with wanting to see an end to hunger, disease, war and environmental breakdown? In terms of the "grand plan" it might be interpreted as "wrong" but in that case I need to be enlightened. Less "Pop Idol" and more "Tomorrow's World".

Happy Wednesday!



* "Juice" - amino acid accellerants and other high protein food supplements - "Feel the burn!" etc.

Day #35 - We all need someone to hate right? (Part 2)

Historical perspectives notwithstanding it may be useful to consider the reasons why we need an object to blame and perhaps, "punish" for misfortune, inconvenience or plain "bad luck". I suppose that I could pad out a list of reasons why into some sort of readable post but it is far too broad an array and such a posting would be a waste of time. What it really boils down to is the convenience of an object of blame as well as the absence of will to confront the real source of the problem; be it ourselves, another object or collection of them. Often people may recourse to blaming a set of circumstances. In this case, are we being truthful to ourselves? Orwell posited in "1984" the idea of "Doublethink" - the practice of holding two contradicting views with equal conviction at the same time. People do this all the time. Such a practice can legitimise our actions but also "get us off the hook" when it comes to accepting responsibility for them. It's a "win/win" situation for us, and nobody likes to be on the losing team do they? The motivation for such a practice is mainly borne from wishing to be on the winning team.

But why do we wish to be on the winning team? I believe that it is about cultivating (our insecure version of) positive self image in the eyes of others. This has become an obsession in modern western society. We NEED to be seen in this positive light whatever the cost. The last thing we need is to have "all of the other reindeer" laughing at us or admonishing us right? It is not unlike superconductivity, to draw a physical parallel. The path of least resistance to our aim. However, it is this that drives us and it is fuelled to a large extent by our own insecurity. That insecurity is determined and governed by the perceived views of others which are based on our OWN (inauthentic and sadly distorted) mores and values.

In both old and young it can be seen quite clearly. A young child might well become very upset if they were to accidentally drop their ice cream cone onto the ground for example. In the case of a young person this is understood because they may well be frustrated or displeased with themselves for not having taken greater care but the upset might also be well based upon the apprehension or even fear that they might become subject to the displeasure of their peer group or, their parent or guardian. I would think though that self scrutiny is the major factor, especially when learning. The elderly can become quite annoyed with themselves if they are unable to remember something or perform some physical task that was once routine and relatively easy. Mature adults though, are governed to a great extent by the perceived AND real opinions of others. To be free of the shackles of this reactionary behaviour is a worthy aim. We posses the capacity to set high standards for ourselves and often do. If these standards are not met we can experience disappointment in ourselves BUT what if our standards themselves are compromised by the perceived reactions of others? What will be the resultant outcomes of the proximity to our true selves of such perceptions? This may well be what Sartre was driving at when describing the existentialist dilemma in the often quoted phrase translated into English as "Hell is other people". Sadly many folks today believe that "Heaven is other people!" owing to a skewed value system the wheels of which are greased by the mass media.

The need for the endorsement of others is as old as the human race itself and it's origins, I would venture to say come from the introduction of anything novel that assisted the development of humans themselves and the society in which they found themselves - be it tribal or otherwise. If for example, an individual was a good toolmaker or hunter then they would certainly enjoy the higher status in their peer group that went along with such skills. These days sadly, the core values attached to such peer endorsement have become distorted. This may be because we are now finding ourselves in a much larger peer group and this is growing all of the time owing to the development of communications technology and the speed at which large quantities of information of varying kinds can be disseminated. I think that the sheer volume of information that we are being presented with on a second to second basis clouds the clarity of our thinking and reshapes our value system. The upshot of all of this is the desire to be recognised whatever the cost. This is what is driving the majority of people socially.

The other day I saw a one of those meme pics or ecard that said "May your life become as great as you pretend it is on Facebook!" There is more than just a grain of truth in such a statement. You can see it everywhere, the ostentatiousness, but more than most places in the field of the mass media. We are bombarded by it. The message is reinforced in advertisements that prey on our fears of rejection to such an extent that the most vulnerable amongst us feel that life is not complete without certain shoes/car/breath freshener etc. The programming that we experience from the most subtle to the most invasive is driven by the desire to obtain more of our time and money by the programmers. Money mainly though because we need enough time to make the necessary money to spend on the unnecessary. Toyah Wilcox, actress and singer who memorably brought a great deal of theatre to the stage in the 1980's summed it up very well in her tune "I Want To Be Free" -

"Don't want to be told what to wear, As long as you're warm who cares"

So, to summarise briefly - we are encouraged by the mass media to "buy more stuff". The people that make the stuff will sell it to us with the assistance of the mass media via advertising. The rest of the content of mass media is largely about celebrity and "lifestyle" which in itself is a form of advertising. In time the mass media will remind us with the assistance of celebrity that the stuff we bought is now "old hat" and passe, and so new stuff will be presented to us to buy. The new stuff will be so much better than the old stuff and who are we to argue? Our deep seated insecurity will "reassure" the message delivered by mass media so sales will grow higher until the life cycle of whatever the stuff is comes to a halt. Then the "new and improved" stuff will arrive and so on.

I will continue with this topic in a later post but for now this can be further food for thought. To finish I will quote Neil Hannon of the band "The Divine Comedy" from his tune "National Express" -

"...to the student who knows that to have one of THOSE would be suicide!"

Happy Tuesday everybody!

Day #34 - We all need someone to hate right?

In George Orwell's magnum opus "NineteenEightyFour" (or maybe "1984") party members are encouraged to vent their frustration during a practice known as the "Two Minutes Hate". The link just preceeding this sentence will explain it all. This desire to hate is inherent in all societies it seems and has existed since earliest times. All of our woes and troubles can be vented upon someone or some thing and the usefulness of such an object, be it person or otherwise, cannot be understated. If such an object exists then it can conveniently serve to be a whipping post for our ire and disappointment. The manifestation of such an object may well serve and be based upon a basic human need and it would seem, some kind of societal requirement too. It can also absolve us of the responsibility and negate the necessity to examine our own shortcomings. It IS convenient, truly to be able to have at our disposal something to blame when things aren't "just so". It happens everywhere. In modern society there is often an impulse to blame others for something of which they are quite innocent just to alter focus from the true problems. In pursuit of absolution we seek out such a whipping boy or scapegoat. The origins of the scapegoat go back to pre-Christian times.

Having written this short paragraph I will leave the reader to ruminate upon the question rhetorically presented in the title of this post, and I shall too, do the same. It is a pretty big topic and I want to approach it through a clear mind as I hope you will. Food for thought.

G'nite! :-)

Day #33 - The Things You See

Hello all. I will commence with a further explanation of why I have been a bit more absent than I might have liked just recently. The weather. The last time we had a really decent summer in Ireland was 1995. There were a few in the 1980's that were pretty good but '95 was really hot and for about three months too. The only time previous to that, in my lifetime, that came close was 1976. Today and for the past few days it has been really sunny and very hot. It is more than a just a nice day - it feels like summer should be. Of course it is unlikely to last as it never does these times. I hope though like so many other years when it has been rough, that it will NOT be the only spell of decent weather for the year. The weather today made me realise that there are plenty of young people out there that have never experienced a really good summer. I hope that it does continue to get better as it will  definitely be cold again this winter and that sort of makes me miserable. It would be good to have something pleasant to look back upon.

I have complained in previous posts about "directionless" people. The kinds of folks that seem to walk along with absolutely no awareness of their surroundings or mindfulness of others that occupy the same space. I find it quite difficult to move through a crowd of people that are constantly changing direction but it is something that everyone that moves  with intention has to deal with. I remember one time I was returning from U2 playing at Wembley Stadium and was desperately trying to get away from some people that decided they were going to rob me. In my haste I bumped into a chap who immediately tried to engage me in some violent exchange. He and his friends were really drunk and determined to "teach me a lesson". There I was with two seperate parties of people with violence on their minds. It is amazing how it actually happens. A perceived sleight and the next thing the violence comes - that is IF you are going to be easy to defeat. That factor is not so relevant when there are a number of people with the "fighty" person. In fact in a situation like that people are more likely to become violent because their chances of defeat are lower owing to the presence of their friends, combined with the fact that their intended target is alone.

About a month ago maybe two I was looking for a group of individuals that I knew and I did not have my phone with me. I went into a pub that they were likely to have been in and had a look around. While I was establishing who was where a character that I vaguely know made some remarks about my being there so late and that I'd have to "get out". I wasn't especially enamoured with that sort of rhetoric and especially from someone who was just a regular punter in the pub. I told him where to get off and within a second he was on his feet "shouting the odds" - and preparing to engage me in something physical. I became a bit loud and unruly myself at that point and within a few seconds I was being wrestled out the door by staff. It was while this was happening - my arms were being held - that this person threw a few punches. I didn't like that very much and told him as much. I realised the next day that I shouldn't have bothered with the guy. It is a shame that he had to be a bit "fronty" but then I suppose he thought that it might impress some people. I knew the guy when he was a young man and he seemed ok back then. Looks like something has cultivated a sense of disappointment in the lad. I'd say that some charity work would be more effective in impressing people. I will try to avoid such situations in the future. I think that you can unwittingly "assist" such people if you rise to the taunts. The crazy thing is that some folks love that kind of shite.

A few years back I decided to return to my teenage hobby of amateur radio. I really loved it when I was younger but by the time the government department of the day finally got around to granting me a licence I was more interested in girls, motorcycles and rock n'roll. It was the illness of a good friend that got me back into it. My friend, like me, is bipolar. His condition is quite a bit more severe than my own and he has had to deal with all manner of unpleasantness in his life. Having said that he has soldiered through it all with grace and dignity and is one of the strongest people it has ever been my pleasure to have met. During one period in hospital I figured that it might be an idea for him to check out the radio thing and see if he would be interested in getting a licence. This chap is a VERY intelligent man and he took just a matter of weeks for him to gather all of the requisite knowledge and sit the state examination to get his licence. I was amazed at how quickly and with such enthusiasm he applied himself to the whole radio thing. He sat his exam and passed with flying colours. He applied for and was granted his licence in quick succession. He accepted my invitation to join the radio group that I was a founder member of. THAT was when the trouble began.

My friend lives on a farm in a rural area. The house is quite big and it is sited on substantial grounds at considerable elevation. It would be difficult to find a better location from which to operate radio. He quickly bought a fine radio at a bargain price and some other gear for his station and was just getting his feet wet in the hobby. After a few weeks being a member of the club the chairman elected to "help" my friend set up a decent antenna. This chairman can be a bit inept when it comes to the feelings of others. He possesses an innate ability to tread rough shod over others in order to accomplish the things that he sees as being "right". He was obviously very impressed with my friends location and decided EXACTLY how and where and what the antenna set-up was going to be. This is where the problems began. My friend is a very nice chap. He is obliging and self effacing, almost to a fault.  This is unfortunate as the aforementioned chairman is quite a self righteous sort of a chap and very insensitive to the feelings of others. I used to be fairly tolerant of it but basically he used my friend to build his own dream radio station in the countryside. It is since that happened that my friend gave up radio and now will not  even entertain the thought of it much less even speak about it. Not unsurprisingly my friend is not the first to have been put off the hobby by this person. I know another person who has a few experiences of his own of a not dissimilar nature. The worst of it is that through the lens of his self righteousness the chairman just cannot begin to see that he might be at fault, and he's NEVER going to change.

A couple of years back I suggested that we, as a club, invited schools to permit us to give practical radio demonstrations to some of the pupils that might be interested. This suggestion was firmly countered with the statement "We don't do 'creche radio'!" That sort of sums the guy up - if it isn't his idea then it is a non starter. Sadly he is stopping folks get into the hobby before they even know about it. It is a shame because, as a friend of mine used to say; "knowledge doesn't weigh anything - it is the lack of it that can be burdensome" or something similar. I have another good friend who has a tag on his emails that goes something like "knowledge isn't like money - by sharing it you won't have any less!" - I sometimes wish that the chairman had embraced those maxims. He never will though, he's too busy making plans for others. Perhaps it is a sign of his own insecurity. I don't know but what I do know is - he'll have to figure it out by himself, that is if he ever gets enough perspective to realise that it might be a worthwhile idea.

Day #30 - Here comes the Sun!

Hello all! Please excuse my brief absence from this blog. My internet connection was off for a few days and it was impossible for me to post. I suppose that I could have written it all down and then posted it but that would have been a bit arduous for the reader. It is with this in mind that I have elected to post "as often as I can" because I may be putting the plan in jeopardy if I persist with posts just for the sake of it. That is not to say that I will not be posting - far from it - but if I skip a day or so here and there it may be for the reason of too little news or connectivity hassles.

So, here I am, 30 days in, and I beginning to get worried that the goals I have set for myself are just too tough to accomplish. I will keep working at it though. Pressure and time can make diamonds, but they can can wear one out too.

I am pleased to say that the weather has started to get better here in Ireland. That can only be a good thing because Spring was terrible. It wasn't as bad as some parts of Europe and the rest of the country but one has to look at the potential for colder winters after the ones that we have experienced during the past three years. I do feel for older folks, especially in rural areas when it comes to the bad weather. I am in my mid-40's and it is tough enough for me. Mobility can become quite difficult in the cold, even at my age. I don't think that will be a problem today though. Maybe it has something to do with the exams being on at this time of year. When I was doing mine in the past it always seemed to be like this - hot and sunny.

A couple of days ago I received my TI Chronos watch. This is no ordinary watch. It is straight out of science fiction of the past. It has a number of features that make it unique; an embedded microcontroller, an accelerometer, altimeter, temperature sensor and all of that with inbuilt wireless connectivity. My plan is to be able to get it to "talk" to another wireless device and use that connectivity to control a magnetic loop antenna. For those that don't know, a magnetic loop antenna is a very compact design that exhibits high efficiency. The catch is though that in order to work properly the antenna needs to be "tuned" whenever the radio to which it is connected is re-tuned. To be able to do this remotely will offer huge advantages to the operator and will circumvent the need to go to the antenna itself and fiddle about with a tuner. My interest in radio is very much engaged by low-power - or QRP - type operations. I have often used the analogy that with high power anyone can lob a grenade into a pool and get all of the fish but with low power it is akin to landing a 20lb salmon on 3lb line. Skill and a LOT of patience. It can pay off though. A couple of years back I managed to contact a radio operator in Congerville, Illinois using just three watts of power. That is about five times the power of the average mobile phone. It is a very satisfying thing to do. One of the comments that I have heard more than a few times about ham radio is; "Why don't you just use the internet?" or; "Couldn't you just telephone the guy?". This to me is missing the point. The FUN comes from getting in touch without using any of that stuff. Ask any fisherman!

If anyone is interested in Ham Radio I would urge them to have a look at the website of the oldest organisation of it's kind in the world - The Wireless Institute of Australia. There will also be an organisation similar to this in your home country and more than likely a local club too. Go and have a look. It is well worth it. Today, radio is more important than ever, and that isn't some fanatical zealot trying to steer you that way - it is just a plain simple fact. Here is a link to a cool video that might be persuasive...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7BImC0yUok

Right then, it's getting on and I want some sun! See you later.

Day #28 - Unscheduled interruption of service

Hi to all!

Unfortunately my computer is getting ready to give up the ghost it seems. To make matters worse, I have had no internet connection for a few days. Now that it is back working I was all set to write a post but after the heat of today I just want to sleep. I will post something tomorrow, if I can remember the highlights of the week. I have more holes in my ozone layer that I am comfortable with. Still staying the course though, which is good.

There is something else that I am finding quite interesting and that is why this blog is so popular in Russia. I really don't understand at all. G'nite all!