Day # 146 - NO! That isn't finished yet.

WARNING - EXPLICIT CONTENT THAT IS QUITE UNPLEASANT. PLEASE NAVIGATE AWAY FROM THIS PAGE IF YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE SHOCKED. DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER EXCEPT AT YOUR OWN RISK. I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY OFFENCE CAUSED BY THE CONTENT ON THIS PAGE.















I often wanted to write a piece of music that was "an apology to the world" and I still think of it a lot. During the past six weeks or so I decided that it was ok to have a few pints but what has been happening is that with other events and stress I have been returning to that old cycle of self-medicating using alcohol. When I look back at my life virtually all the mad stuff that I did was reacting to stress and then letting that take hold, have a few beers and then go do something really stupid. I look back and hate myself for all of the stupid stuff that I have done and said. 

Many years ago I wanted to become a soldier. I had done some basic stuff in the reserve forces but I wanted to join up full-time and live the life. My family has a strong tradition of military service and I so wanted to be part of that. I discovered in my late teens that I was colour blind and also have some heart trouble. Whilst I love the former (along with ADD) I am not a massive fan of the idea of heart problems. I never became a serviceman although I did work for a while in security. I hated it. I think that the only thing I miss are some of the people that I worked with.

I cannot begin to describe the feelings of needless guilt and self hatred that seem to have gotten way worse during the past ten years. I put it down to the stuff that is going on in the world and my sensitivity to it. I wish that I was a better man but I am not really doing that well at it lately. I have always tried my best to be real but that "real" isn't to the liking of many people. Those that do get on with me - I value their friendship a great deal.

As may have been apparent from the past few posts I have been rapid cycling with depression and even thinking "What's the point?" but I HAVE to keep going. In order to do that effectively I need to try and withdraw and reconsider my options. A short time back - less than six months I became friendly with a Gentleman that is interested in radio and technology. We have never met but we correspond via email and have exchanged a couple of letters. It is a strange thing that though we have never met I value his friendship a great deal. I hope that it will continue. In correspondence he has given me some sage advice but of late I have (probably) burdened him with manic behaviour, nonetheless the man has been very kind and tolerant of me and has been a great help in assisting me in my efforts to do certain stuff in radio. It is the fact that plain, simple effortless kindness, a TRUE human kindness, still exists that makes me keep going.

I would like to put all of my mistakes right. I'd love to be able to apologise to everyone that I was rude or unpleasant to. I would love to make amends with those I have offended or p*ssed off. One cannot just aim at being a "people pleaser" - THAT is ridiculous and I find that sort of moral obsequiousness to be suspect. I have had a few false starts during the past week or so but I have decided that today is going to be the beginning of the change. I am going to try to get back on the horse because I must. I am no good to anyone in a depressed state so it is up to me to try and get a handle on this. I usually get about one manic period per year but the current one is easily the longest lasting and certainly the most painful. I am finding it virtually impossible to eat. I am reminded that it is important when I think of a saying from an old and VERY dear friend; "An empty bag won't stand!" - I am going to try and eat today.

I just want to say here and now that I am sorry for the things that I have done that weren't nice to people. I am sorry if I was ever insulting or bad mannered. I apologise unreservedly to those I have offended but I make no excuse for any retort I have made towards aggression and threatening behaviour.

When I was a child some pretty awful stuff happened to me and sometimes I had to watch people that I loved get hurt and feel pain. I also did something that I hate myself for. I was about 12 years old and I found a small cat that was stray. I brought him to my Grandmother's house and gave him some food. I loved playing with him and making him purr. I had no idea about what was going to happen. My Grandmother had become very unwell after her first born son had died. He was a robust man in his mid forties that died in his sleep from a cerebral hemorrhage. I used to spend a lot of time with my Grandmother after my uncle died. She became very depressed and drank a fair bit as a result of her son's death. I am not trying to rationalise here but I must get it off my chest so to speak. About a week after the cat came along I came in from school early as we were given a "half-day". My Grandmother was quite upset and it was easy to tell that she had been crying and had been drinking. Please don't get me wrong - she wasn't a big drinker but she did get like that after her son died.  I went looking for the cat and I was told that he was in the back yard , he was dirty and "full of fleas" and that I would have to get rid of him. There was a lot of arguing from me but my Gran was insistent. I didn't understand and I couldn't question. I was told to "get rid" of the cat. I tried to explain that I couldn't just throw him out. I was then told that the world can be a cruel place sometimes and that sometimes we have to do things that are hard. I was beginning to understand but then I realised that I was being to told to do away with the cat. This was to be something that I was bound to take responsibility for.

I carried him to the sea near where I lived and then I had to "do away with" the cat. That was nearly 40 years ago and there is rarely a day that I don't think of it. I feel terrible for having to have killed that innocent creature and I so truly wish that I didn't. When I did it I was a little upset and that passed after a week or so but since early adulthood it haunts me. I have always loved cats and try to support feline rescue work in some small way. I would like to have one around but I am afraid that my depression would get worse. I can never forget having done that though and in many ways I feel terrible when that awful day comes to mind.

For years I spent a lot of time doing some really, REALLY crazy stuff and I have thought was I living like that in order to be killed? Some sort of desire to be punished maybe. I don't know. The important thing now is to try and stay alive to be able to do the right thing. I wish that folks understood that I harbour no hatred and that I just want to live a peaceful life. Perhaps maybe contribute to the betterment of the earth or just cultivate a little happiness in the hearts of those that seek the same.

To all of those that I have hurt or offended I am truly sorry. There are a half a dozen things that stand out as events that I regret. I always will regret those things no matter how trivial but I hope that I am forgiven. I sincerely hope dear reader that I still have some respect from you BUT to those that will pick apart the blog and use the content to develop new ways of hating and cultivating hatred, I wish you nothing but piss poor bad luck with it.

Day #142 - Whatever...

Back when I restarted this blog a few months back, it was to help assist me get some perspective and what way I responded to stuff. It has been helpful and I enjoy writing when I can. It was a sort of therapy to be able to describe things as they are. I am bipolar and that can be tough for others as well as the sufferer themselves. I have found myself lately very depressed because of continuing attacks on my van and not being able to earn properly, move around, get stuff done.

I have ordered some cctv gear and hope to get the house well camd up. Remote viewing will be a necessity along with regular uploads to the "cloud" (never really liked that term). Anyway with luck and some work things will start to take a better tack soon. I am fed up of sleeplessness, lack of appetite, general listlessness and occasional teariness.

A taxi driver that carried my Mother back from day care today wondered aloud/asked why I hadn't found myself some fine, well off woman (or something..) I was quite surprised by this question though it was just a friendly remark. It made me think of my history with the ladies. I have never been great "boyfriend" material. I have never been good at saying the right stuff because that is just game playing and I have a lot more respect for women than that. Then there is the general scruffiness that goes with being an old tech/guitar fiend/geek (LONG before the term was invented!) I have been married, as I have mentioned in a previous post and realise that she is far better off without me. I hope that she is happy. My depression made things tough for both of us. Not everyone's cup of tea.

Owing to all of the recent vandalism and a general sense of disarray I have been on a severe down. The two worst things about it are the sleeplessness and fatigue during the day. My appetite is also shot. I have no idea in any concrete way of who might be doing this stuff but I will find out and will seek the strongest penalties. The physical effects are worse than the financial ones.

In the ten or so days since I last posted I have been right in it and it has been shit. I prefer when people are at peace with themselves as well as others. I like to feel positive when writing and try in some way to write something that is worthwhile reading and not just an occasional moan. I don't like it when it feels like that.

I haven't done a THING with radio. A fortnight back I was conducting experiments with gusto and enthusiasm yet since the dog got back in I have just ignored it. I hope to get back to that with some renewed vigour when this passes. Hopefully a couple of cameras can bring me closer to normality and thus onward to productive work at peace, at home with my Mother. 

She gets a real buzz out of it - hearing foreign radio hams talking to eachother. When I was starting out I have to give my Mum most of the credit for sustaining my interest in electronics. It was her that ensured I could get my bulbs, batteries and switches to play with. In fact, even my Grandmother played an important role too. I remember her taking me on a 300 mile round-trip train journey to buy the necessary components for a radio I was building. I find it ironic that the plans for the radio were in a wonderful Ladybird book that she bought for me. The book was written by Rev G.C. Dobbs. Rev. Dobbs is the founder and chairman of the GQRP Club - dedicated to low power radio. I have been a member for a few years now and still get a wonderful surprise when the quarterly A5 sized journal drops through the letterbox. Radio has always meant a lot to me.

I sometimes do work on music tech stuff, mainly guitars which I been messing with for almost 30 years. Electronics for over 40. I am getting older now and my eyesight isn't what it once was but I do still intend to keep going with this fascinating hobby.

So, I guess that's it until the next time.. I do enjoy wring this because there ARE people that read it and if they get any kind of insight or entertainment (for want of a better word) then I am glad. I'm going to try and steer out of this with effective work. Better get started on the evening's comestibles.

Thanks for reading. Peace be with you.

Day #132 - Time to wise up!

I just can't blog. I feel sick and I am so tired. I have sat up during several nights trying to catch the person messing with my van and the wear is beginning to take its' toll. My neck and back are seized with a creak and I am going to the toilet far more frequently than I would like. My appetite is gone and I just feel so tired. I am going to try to sleep but it is difficult. I will write more when I get to feel better but at the moment I feel awful. I have been told  that time spent on recon is time seldom wasted yet I feel that I am solidly wasting my time. I feel like an idiot and I expect that I have earned that feeling. I just want to get all of this finished. I just want to be well again. It might be time to wise up.

Day #124 - The Way It Has To Be

WARNING - EXPLICIT CONTENT - NOT EASY READING FOR THE SENSITIVE - IF YOU ARE OF SUCH DISPOSITION - IT MIGHT BE BEST TO NAVIGATE AWAY NOW - I DO NOT ACCEPT ANY RESPONSIBILITY SHOULD YOU READ ANY FURTHER - WARNING - DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE - THERE IS NO INTENTION TO SHOCK OR OFFEND










For years I was a member of a fan forum for the guitarist Shawn Lane. I hadn't really been a fan of Lane's but was a member of another forum and one of the chaps there suggested that I might want to check out the Lane forum. I was getting flamed a lot on the other site and being amongst such nice people was a breath of fresh air. I was quite unfamiliar with Lane's music and still am to a large extent and was "saving" his output for "some time in the future". Lane was renowned for his technical facility on guitar and keyboards/piano but some of his compositions are simply breathtaking. I would strongly suggest to any fan of instrumental rock music to check out some of his stuff - it isn't everyones' cup of tea obviously but the quality that I enjoy about it is the optimistic joy that it contains. Today I heard something for the first time that really blew me away. I will post a link to the youtube page at the end of this post.

Like I have mentioned in a few previous posts, I haven't been too well of late. I often have no idea as to when the depression will kick in hard and for the past fortnight it has been quite bad. It is rapid cycling at the moment. That can be the hardest part - the term "emotional roller-coaster" is a bit of an overused phrase but it describes a rapid cycling situation quite well. The thing that started all of this could be one of many events that occurred during my lifetime. When I was a small child I saw a man shot in the head at close range. I was only a child and it was during a bank robbery that took place in my hometown. I remember so much blood pooled around the victim and just a ring of people surrounding him unable to do anything - it was obvious that it was a fatal wound. The psychotherapist that I began to see in the early 1990's (now sadly RIP) suggested that this might be part of my difficulties. I have also seen plenty of other violent acts at close quarters and these too have no doubt had an effect. I was physically attacked and beaten - taken unawares well over ten years ago and that is certainly a factor. That kind of thing effected me so deeply because it was just plain WRONG. There is also the non-violent acts of pure disrespect that we all see in our lives and for me these are most sickening. Back when I was married my (ex)wife - a non-European - used to have a saying; "What is wrong be nice!" - for quite some time I thought that she was saying "What is wrong? Be nice!" but she really meant was; "What is wrong with being nice?" - we parted ways a long time back but I still hold many of her personal maxims quite dear. Our marriage ended mostly because I was unwell - more unwell than I realised and that just took its' toll. I often became depressed owing to the fact that I felt that I could do nothing right in spite of my best efforts. THEN I used to drink to feel better but it just didn't work. It was Orwell that said; "A man drinks because he feels himself a failure and then fails all the more because of it!" My three months abstinence was all about trying to gain some perspective on drinking but also to help me figure out why I was doing it. The self harm that I have often engaged in is perhaps too some kind of anaesthetic. I also consider it a sort of punishment for not being able to do anything right and "not being good enough". Whilst that might sound absurd it is completely reasonable to me. One must be careful with such activities - they are dangerous for ones own health. I am doing what I can to avoid it.

Many years ago I briefly used heroin - some of the musicians that I worked with were doing it and it seemed like EXACTLY the sort of dangerous madness that I would like. I never really liked it though - it made me really sleepy, less lucid and "itching like a man up a fuzzy tree" to quote the King. I found the people that I came into contact with to be dirty and of very loose morals. Some dangerous people for sure. I ended up using methadone for a while which I foolishly thought would be "better" but after overdosing on that I stopped cold turkey. The whole flirtation was only a brief one but it was dangerous and stupid. I think that I was punishing myself for not being good enough. I knew after that OD that I would have died quite soon had I continued using and the worst of it was how it had altered the quality of my life in a very short time. I was living in a real "shit pit" of a room and was selling my possessions on a daily basis to score. Stopping was not hard (though I was very sick for about a month) as I had seen what I might have become and that truly motivated me to call a halt. Some though have never had it so lucky and to this day I know of one of the most talented musicians I have ever met who just never came back. He may be dead by now, I don't know but I DO know that it destroyed him in a VERY short time. This man was a professional player that toured the world with big name acts but heroin ended his career. Permanently. He is only one of many sadly. I would warn anyone that has even the briefest dalliance with such substances that it IS a VERY foolish move. Please trust me on this - it IS truly terrible. I am getting quite sick just thinking about it. I have made this admission in order to make clear the danger of messing with ones' own LIFE but also to try and convey that low-self esteem can be a sneaky beast and should you be caught unawares it can destroy your defences.

One of the things that I have written about throughout this blog is what I term "Lobsters" these people could just as easily be called HATERS - a common term in the US. Some folks just cannot bear to see people get ahead. I know one individual that knows about my time using heroin and has been heard to remark that it was a pity that I stopped; implying that a slow and painful death would be something I deserved. It is remarks like these; the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" that can impede the progress and development of the person, particularly the sensitive person and ESPECIALLY those with low self esteem which, as I have already stated is part of the package when it comes to bipolar disorder. Insincerity is another thing that I dislike a great deal. There is an expression that I heard just a few years back about a chap that would "piss all over your back and then tell you it was raining". What is one to do with a person like that? What about the person that seeks to eclipse your victories no matter how small because they cannot bear to see you happy? I have a theory that they seek to cultivate misery in others so that a vacuum or lacuna manifests itself into which they can insert lies and thus further misery. It is sick, sad and perverted but such is the way of the lobster.

Let me clear about this. I am not demeaning the crustaceans at all. I like all sea creatures - except the pretty scary ones that just want to kill you or look like they would. That might be narrow minded however aesthetics do come into it a bit for me but, trivia aside - I chose the term lobster as it comes from a joke that I heard for the first time maybe ten years back. It describes the kind of person I am referring to perfectly. Not those that are into schadenfreude but those that actually feel better holding others back than trying to develop themselves. It is more of an allegory than a joke. I will write a short version of it here...

A man who is really into seafood and haute cuisine visits (insert country here) and decides to visit all the famous spots that are well known for their fish dishes. After touring extensively he ends up in (insert town here) and visits their famed local seafood eaterie. Having being seated by the M'aitre D or Patron, the man notices that there is a large glass fish tank filled with lobsters bubbling away in a corner. He also notices that there is no lid on the tank. He finds this somewhat unsettling and after a few minutes he calls over a waiter to enquire as to why there is no lid on the tank and expresses concern that he would be afraid that a lobster will escape and start crawling about. The waiter reassures the man that in the 20 years that he has worked at the restaurant he has never seen a lobster escape. The man is a little skeptical but he is once again reassured that these lobsters are caught in the coastal waters of (insert town here) and they just don't go crawling about out of their tank once they are put in there. "Why?" asks the man. The waiter replies; "Because if one of them tries to get out, the rest will just grab him and pull him back down again!"

I will do all that I can to avoid being pulled down and try my best to stay away from those that seek to cultivate misery in both myself and others. I have respect and support for all of those that do suffer from depression and those tormented by PTSD. Let them take at least some comfort in the fact that they have developed the condition owing to sensitivity to things for which they were not prepared. It is not their fault. Try to steer through it if you are such a soul. Do what you can. Like Winston Churchill said; "It is the courage to continue that counts!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lorwB98lb44

Thanks for reading this. Peace be with you.

LATE POST - Day #119 - Pay As You Go

Like I related in the last post things have been a little bit rough of late. I have had a couple more small van related events - the bonnet/hood was "keyed" (it means scratched with a key) and a front wing/fender was kicked resulting in a fair dent. What bothers me most about this is that the "person" responsible hasn't the courage to express his ire towards me in any other way. Owing to the consistency of the events I can only put it down to mental illness. THAT is fine but I figure that there would be a far greater release in tension if they just presented themselves and we'll figure it out. After the transmission failure and having to shell out for that I am totally broke with something I thought that I'd never see again in my wallet; pawn tickets. You pay as you go as they say. The level of depression that I descended into last week had me wanting to pull my own teeth out. I was drinking hard and just feeling terrible. Thank goodness that has now stopped. The funny thing about life where I come from is that SOME people almost WANT to have something to complain about. They need an enemy and if it is a little bit different more's the better - they can just hate and be happy that they can avoid introspection. I saw a great video on youtube the other day that in and among the sketches there are a few that sum up the situation perfectly...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpZbaz3Wlfw

Unfortunately the stuff in this video would not be so funny if it wasn't true. It really rubs me the wrong way when disrespect is presented to one as some kind of benevolence that a true and REAL person ought be grateful for just because it is presented with "good intentions" and self-righteous "smilingness", sometimes with a layer of smugness not so far beneath the surface either, though often forcibly removed from the conciousness involuntarily lest it might collide too readily with any semblance of truly authentic humanity. Do such people think that ALL of those around them that they PRETEND to "love", "like" or "respect" are thick? All one needs to be able to identify bullshit is just to have sampled bullshit before. There's no high end science or magic attached to that.

Furthermore, apropos being treated as stupid or thick (usually in the most sugary and patronising way) yet very skilfully disguised.  If you expect to be treated with respect and honesty then remember that it's a two-way street. Self-righteousness just makes me feel nauseous.

Anyway, after last night staying up until nearly 4am working on my antenna I am going to take this opportunity to get to bed early and sleep hopefully. Often when I am TOO tired I just cannot sleep properly. Before I do retire though I'd like to share a short poem that was written by Joseph Merrick aka "The Elephant Man". I find it most touching because it delineates my feelings of self worth when the depression kicks in. I am grateful to God or whatever one wants to call him/her/it that I have never had to experience the terrible things that Merrick did. I find the poem - which I only discovered recently - to be something quite beautiful. I don't consider it apologetic but more of a profound kindness that stretches out a hand of peaceful benevolence. It could well be amongst the most beautiful things that I have ever read.

'Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul;
The mind's the standard of the man.

--

This is a late post inasmuch as I wrote it a few days ago. I am not very well at the moment but intend to update over the weekend. I am sorry dear reader but the bipolar thing is in full effect right now. I HAVE felt worse that IS true but not by much. Stick with me is all that I ask.