Day #224 - Like a Lamped Rabbit

I don't really know where to begin with this post but I am going to write in the hope that it will be of some cathartic value. Regular readers will know that I have been going through a bit of a rough patch just recently and I am still very much in it. I have wanted to get better for so long but you can never tell when the thing will kick in. This morning after a very restless night I was slightly optimisitic that the day should be tackled head on but I had to summon all of my strength to just get out of bed. I have mentioned self-harm in previous posts but I think that staying in bed gripped with fear can be very harmful in itself. I got up and did some tidying up and made my plans for the day. They would involve more cleaning and getting more organised. I had three large bags of rubbish to be taken out and had to collect some tools from a friends house that I left there last week or maybe longer. Depression can play all manner of dirty games with the memory, simple stuff can be impossible to recall and even simple arithmetic can be hard. So, I go out to my van and get ready to take to the road but the battery is just totally dead. What then? I went back indoors and then just sat and I have been pretty much sitting here since. The title of this post refers to the technique of using a strong light to point at a rabbit or other critter to stun it into stillness before shooting. I would not want to shoot anything but the expression "Like a lamped rabbit" is one you may have heard before and when referring to a human it means that one has just stopped in their tracks. I have been like this all day. The whole purpose of this post is just to try and break the cycle.

Right now I am ok-ish at the moment but I feel very frightened and anxious. The lack of sleep isn't helping at all. I have to admit at this point that I feel terribly ashamed of my depression. It is no surprise that people have distanced themselves from me but it is hard to be cheerful when you know that some folks that pretend to be friends are stirring up the bullshit to an enormous extent. In many ways this can make things much worse. Staying productive can be a great help but when stuff just keeps going wrong it pulls you down.

Last week I had a court appearance for the non-payment of a fine. The summons was issued before I paid the fine but I was not issued with a receipt. They authorities I paid insisted that I had been but of all the mail that has arrived this one VITAL letter has not. I went to the courthouse and explained to the person at the office what had happened but they told me that I would need the receipt otherwise my case could have a bad outcome. I decided to call the authorities again and ask them to fax a copy of the receipt to the courthouse. It was about a half hour of being passed around the various workers until I was told that they could not issue any copies via fax or otherwise. I had a lot of running about to do before I could get it all sorted out. It made me feel terrible. I have been feeling very low since then.

During the past few weeks I have been trying very hard to overcome the feelings of being down but it has been hard. I have been getting very tearful at times but when I am doing something productive it is a LOT easier. The shame and guilt of the depression is the worst. I never set out to feel like this and I would prefer that I didn't. I just want to get my life back and be happy again. I worry sometimes that it might never happen but the funny thing is that even just having written this far has lifted my spirits a little and I guess that that is a good thing.

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Last week I met with an old friend and we were exchanging stories of our respective times in the psychiatric ward. We both suffer from depression but we are good friends and have been for many years. He told me a story about one Christmas that he spent in the ward and about the party that was held for the patients. There was a raffle as part of the festivities and everyone was in with a chance of winning a prize. My friends' number was called and he presented his winning ticket to collect his prize which was wrapped up in Christmas paper. What was the prize? A set of screwdrivers. I have no idea what they must have been thinking when they decided that would be a good prize in a psychiatric ward but go figure. My friend was very happy with the prize but was just as bewildered as I was about the choice of items. We had a few laughs about it. There is a further part to this story but I will wait until next time to tell it. 

So, for now dear reader I will close but thanks for reading. I hope to post again soon as in perspective writing these few lines have helped a great deal. It was like talking to a friend that was actually interested in listening to you and thus helping cultivate a feeling of being of some kind of value. That is definitely a good thing. Take care and try to enjoy your days.

Day #219 - It Isn't My Fault But I Must Be Responsible

I will dispense with a lengthy apology about not having posted in nearly a month. I was not well. The old black dog of depression is always there but I was pushed by a number of events that led to me being hospitalised briefly. I know that I have mentioned many times about the depression so I will try to avoid being repetitive. I am going to try and explain in this post something about the stigma of it. People may pretend to not be any different than usual but only the most dull and disconnected individual will not recognise changes in the behaviour of others. I have found that in the past month folks have become more and more distant. A small number of "Lobsters" have taken the opportunity of my recent period of illness to further defame my character and name. The problem here is that when one or two people start to distance themselves from someone who has a mental illness and especially during an acute period then others will "join the herd" so to speak. This is a very rewarding situation for the lobster as they are seeing "proof" that they are "right" in hating you and consequently this self endorsing behaviour makes them feel even more self righteous than they already do. They seek to "improve" their shortcomings and character failings by cultivating further misery in their victims.

Recently I was seriously threatened by an individual with violence. I managed to secure the proof of this before they retracted it but I still fear this person and what they might do to me should they decide to. The bonkers thing about it is that the threat was an overreaction of alarming proportions, based on nothing more than a sort of oddly placed logic. Not long after that I was threatened by three others on separate occasions. Each of these individuals know eachother so it is a bit frightening. I don't have a band of brothers that could help me so I will try and stay well clear of these peopleOnce upon a time I used to be able to defend myself pretty well but I have lost a lot of my weight over the past decade as well as speed and agility. My strength is very poor these days too. Not so long ago I would happily throw a bag of coal over my shoulder or lift a (small) motorcycle a (very) short distance but these days I can barely climb a stairs without feeling worn out or at the very least short of breath. I detest violence but have no qualms about self defence however, unless I was very VERY lucky I would be a pretty easy target. I know a little martial arts but I haven't trained properly in years. Ironically this is down to the depression. At the end of this blog I will post a link to a short animated film about depression and hopefully it can explain better than I can in words what it can be like.

To return briefly to my recent period of depression, I must say that it is still very much there. One longs for these things to pass but once you have experienced an "event" that triggers it you are still reminded of the thing almost every waking moment - it is a vicious circle. My recent episode was not due to being threatened but it certainly didn't help. There is a Chinese proverb that says; "Drops of water will, in time, fill a barrel". So having been progressively weakened over the past couple of years it is always a cumulative series of events that can lead one to buckle under the strain. Unfortunately I cannot write about a VERY serious crime that was committed against me as a younger person. I cannot even be vague about it but I can say that via legal channels nothing can be done nor will it be. I wanted to "settle the score" on my own but I think that would be a REALLY stupid thing to do. I will just have to live with it.

I know of one particularly unpleasant lobster that recently said to me; "You've really got to get your shit together". I was stunned by such a statement as to my ears it was like blaming ME for having depression. To my mind such "advice" was like telling an amputee to grow a new limb or shouting at a paraplegic ordering them to get on their feet. I can only take comfort in the fact that the man that said this to me is an asshole for offering such "advice" and his true character is revealed in the fake concern embodied in such rhetoric. There is NO concern other than to see me suffer further.

I do hope to post some more before the weekend but for now I am just glad that I managed to write this much and that I am in reasonable enough health to be able to have done so. Thanks to you dear reader for looking me up again and hopefully you will again soon. For now I just ask if you could watch the video I have posted a link to and if you do have any friends or family members that are sufferers then try and show it to those people that just do not understand the condition of these people and the suffering that they sometimes experience. I genuinely believe that if more people knew that being stigmatised for being bipolar or for any mental health condition for that matter only makes things far worse for those that suffer from the condition. Stigma itself only increases the burden which in turn makes taking steps towards an effective recovery even more difficult. To those that continue to read the blog, thanks for checking back and staying loyal. My very best wishes to you whoever you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=XiCrniLQGYc

 

Day #192 - Am I taking crazy pills here?!?!??

After all of my wishing that things would improve in my mental health life stuff has still been making its' way into the gears and cogs of my "life machine". The usual thing that happens is that you swing up, get too high and then descend raucously into a pit of despair, and then, back again. The time taken moving between these two states of mind can vary.  I believe that it may not be unrelated to the passing of time and a greater awareness of ones' own mortality. I don't think that I fear death but I do fear pain and suffering and probably most of all - being alone. Not to say that there is anything wrong with solitude as we all like a bit of alone time. I think that the fear is compounded by the worry that the alone time will never end. It was Issac Newton that famously said "What goes up, must come down!". Maybe he didn't say it but he is credited with it. Now it is pretty obvious that bipolar disorder involves moving or cycling between two differing extremes. One can be happy and then sad. Sometimes one will swing very rapidly between these two states but often it can be much slower. The negative thing about this variance is that one cannot prepare adequately or know in advance of how long the transition will take. I have been rapid cycling for the past two weeks and it bothers me a great deal. This is because it is during slower cycling periods that one can be more effective at getting things done and as I have pointed out a number of times throughout the blog, practical action, productive work and worthwhile results can be of enormous benefit in maintaining equilibrium.

At the moment I am having all manner of computer problems - I am pretty sure that I have been hacked remotely. This is not paranoia but simply me, expressing a view of things based on real-time observation and experience. I have not arrived at this conclusion haphazardly. It warrants further investigation in order to gain a more rounded view of the situation. I am going to close now as the pop-ups that keep appearing, telling me that I am running low on disk space are driving me nuts. Did I hear someone say "Driving?"

Until next time dear reader. thanks for being there and I will post again soon. I have a lot to say and hopefully enough time in which to say it.

Day #175 - Too long off the bridge...

 
I cannot believe that it is almost three weeks since I posted. I suppose it could have been called a funk or something. For many days I arrived at some fertile post title and was immediately flooded by ideas but then, as is so often the case; POOF!  Gone. Smashed like a billiard ball out of the path of the "right thing" by a bombardment of "new" information. The first book about ADD that I looked at following my diagnosis was called "Driven To Distraction" by Hallowell and Ratey...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Driven_to_Distraction_%28ADHD%29

"New" information is the term I use to refer to any stimulus that distracts from the desired object of focus. When I first started reading about some of those with ADD it was like reading a biography of myself in some cases. The desire to seek out high-stimulation situations and environments as well as the total willingness to "throw caution to the wind" whilst simultaneously KNOWING that this wasn't really quite right. It always seemed to me that I knew but only afterwards or long before, never at the time in question. That often lead to what can only be described as stupid behaviour. One of the things that I recognise in the condition is the whole being guided as it were, by the constant bombardment of new and interesting "things". Whilst ADD has to a great extent enabled me to learn about many different things it has been a curse when it comes to staying focused. There are times though during which it is possible to hyperfocus. You can get completely immersed in whatever it is you are doing and usually make a great job of it. IF one can keep that momentum going then  it can be great. There is then of course, the looming difficulty in the whole "getting too high" thing that I have covered previously Once mania steps in the inevitable crash makes it tedious. One can also become very laissez faire about whatever it is they become in engaged in too, confident that all will be well but in actual fact the waters are rising around you quietly. Sometimes it is good to know when stupidity is getting an upper hand.

I chose the title of this post to describe a Master or Commander of a vessel, absent from the bridge and thus their true responsibilities. I don't want to lend too much gravity to it but even writing a blog like this is a responsibility to myself and I ought be doing more. I chose the title to describe the laxness on that front but also the "fog" that one can find themselves in difficult waters. It can help to be able to see better.

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For the past couple of weeks (months?) I have been trying to get my van sorted out with all of the necessary documents for roadworthiness. The cost of the mandatory test is €111.16 with a retest fee of €43.58 - the retest to be taken within 21 days. I have spent a bunch of money on this van and it is just gobbling it up. The thing failed the test last week after I had new tyres fitted and had some brake hoses replaced. There are a few things that will cost more money to put right after the test revealed the need for a number of pretty expensive parts that will be time consuming to fit. There is no doubt that having the van is great and being able to move around is VERY useful but the expense so far has been punishing in terms of the "hidden extras".

I don't really have that much more to report for now only to apologise for the protracted absence to those that read regularly. Welcome too to all of those reading in new parts of the world. Like I have written more than a few times, I will try harder to write more often. It just gets a bit foggy sometimes when there is so much that needs to be done.

Day #156 - And furthermore...

After I awoke this morning and cleared the end of the dreams from my mind I waited for just a moment to get my bearings before I went to wash and get the breakfast ready. Whilst I sat and was getting ready to get started. I was reminded of my previous post from yesterday "Day #155". I thought about what I really wanted to describe but being tired and not being able to find the correct words to help an idea develop I decided to think some more.

We are all instinctively equipped to know when something is a little out of the ordinary. This skill is something that we developed many thousands of years ago and was something that as a human race we all became dependent upon in order to ensure our own survival. I am sure that anyone reading this has experienced a feeling of something that "wasn't quite right" or a feeling of apprehension that was based on something that they "felt". I am not suggesting that this is some kind of "sixth sense" - though I do hold that we "experience" a lot that cannot attributed directly to sight, sound etc.

This feeling and the way it guides us can be described as "intuition", "instinct", "experience" or even "luck" and frequently is described as such. Further to this as a person moves through life and they "develop" this feeling or skill they may be able to enjoy greater success in life and also possibly in society (if that is what they are after). We have all experienced that feeling of intense confidence that can come with being equipped with the knowledge, a priori, that we ARE going to win and that there is no other outcome. To be sage enough to be able to accept defeat should it arrive or not may well determine the outcome of further "development" of our success.

So, to return briefly to mental illness. I genuinely believe that if someone that doesn't know you is presented with the information that you have "mental problems", you are more than likely to be treated differently than you would were you presented as having just won a literary award or medal for some achievement. Beyond that you have "famous" people. I have met plenty of them and I can guarantee that they are just human and in many cases a bit odd, like ANY human I suppose. I have seen (especially young women) completely lose control in the presence of their idol. This idol is just an ordinary bag of flesh and bones but the key difference in popular perception between the idol and the ordinary "man on the street" is the manner and way in which they have been presented to the public and the media. The "wrapper" in which they find themselves.

We are often given "wrappers" by other people. Someone that has achieved something in life may wish to keep it private ("leaving it in the box"?) Or, they may decide to present this new "information" or "intelligence" in a certain way; to many or few, with grandiosity or humility, with self-effacement or arrogance. Regardless of whichever "wrapper" that they decide to put the information into it must be remembered that the way a person reacts to the other all depends on the "wrapper" and also the way in which the "wrapper" is "sold" to you. For example...

Imagine that you are at a party and you are being introduced to a number of "new" people by some friend. At a distance your "friend" gives you some bio information about the person you are about to be introduced to. The way that you will view this new person is entirely dependent on the information you have been given (in the form of the bio) and the way that it is presented to you. This is what I call the "wrapper".  You are much more likely to be amenable to a prize-winning author than a violent and deceptive deviant. This is nothing more than common sense. Of course it would be the acme of foolishness to get too cosy with a proven criminal. What if however that the inverse were true. That your friend doing the introductions "got their wires crossed" and mixed the people up - this all being based on how that person was "sold" to them at some earlier point. This might go some way to explaining the phrase, "Mud sticks!"

For years I knew a woman who just sneeered at me and gave me dirty looks every time I saw her. I was a bit non-plussed by this AND confused because I hadn't the faintest idea in the world who she was. EVERY single time that I saw her there would just be this obvious frowning scowl. One day, I guess it was really just curiosity but I walked up to her and asked straight out. She immediately "went into one" and started cursing and berating me. I noticed though that she was accusing me of stuff that happened whilst I wasn't even in the country . It turns out that she thought that I was another person entirely, someone that had a slightly similar name to mine. This simple case of mistaken identity (probably based on jumping to conclusions more than anything else) lead to months of pure hatred from this woman towards me. It also meant that were I to have been described by the woman to anyone that didn't know me THEIR impression would have been completely coloured by the way in which I was presented to them and the ideas that they developed subsequently.

This is an area in which a lobster can excel at dragging down another. The more experienced lobster can just present a small bit of false information - delivered with "sincerity" and also mild ambiguity - and THEN let the "story" take on a life of its' own. Sparsely distributed disinformation may take a little time to gather momentum but momentum it shall gather and a great deal. With this then one might be able to end up occupying a whole new position in the hearts and minds of others all because of either a case of mistaken identity but as is often the matter these days - lobsterism.

I would advise anyone reading this to look up "Kim's Game" (Game of the Jewels) on wikipedia or some such and learn about something that would be of great assistance in helping to develop a sharp memory and efficient recall (especially in the young).

Thank you dear reader, have a good day and productive week. be happy and remember that ultimately we can determine what "wrapper" we are put into.

 

Day #155 - Four Non Blogs

I tried recently to really get a grip on more consistent posting and on four occasions I wrote and ranted and then just abandoned the posts. Although the most popular blog entries are the ones that are in some way "sensational" I don't really want to get too bombastic with the "adventure stories" just yet. There is quite a bit that I want to write but I guess that you must be "in the form" for it. I am not currently "in the form". One thing that I do want to write about though is mental illness. I want to describe it in VERY broad terms as it would be wrong and slightly irresponsible to start proffering opinions in a focused way. I have no idea what it is like to be a cat or a teapot so I cannot venture to say. I will recommend a good essay on such matters and that is one called "What is it Like to be a Bat?" by Thomas Nagel. The full essay can be found at the link below...

http://rintintin.colorado.edu/~vancecd/phil1000/Nagel.pdf

It is a good read and can possibly be of use in developing perspectives on consciousness. 

It was Frank Zappa (I think) that said..."if you meet someone that has a cold or a sneeze or a broken leg you feel sorry for them but if they are developing a mental health condition then; THEY'RE CRAZY!!!" 

If I meet someone before they get any idea that there are some mental health issues they seem fine when they don't know. But when I may meet with them AFTER they know there is usually a marked difference in their behaviour between the "before" person and the "after" person. The "overcompensation" that one collides with at times is truly palpable in most cases. In their efforts to appear more relaxed and at ease it is easy to see that some folks are really just not at ALL comfortable. I have become very candid about describing my health issues as I find it better that folks get to know early on if they are likely to be spending any time around you. There are degrees of severity with any condition but I am pleased to say that I am pretty sure that there are no microphones hidden in the wall, under the beds, cameras in the library, I really AM Lady Gaga etc. MY difficulty is that I may drop into a deep depression at anytime or other times I may be euphoric and full of enthusiasm. I find it helps for others that IF they are aware you may burst into tears at any moment then you yourself are much less likely to so if not burdened by the anxiety that goes with being afraid of doing so. Many years ago being Bipolar was all about getting sedated but these days treatments such as cognitive behavioural therapy, counselling, a good diet and plenty of exercise are widely considered to be very beneficial. Some medicines too have transformed the life of the person with the condition. There are "before" and "after" scenarios in there too.

Stress can be the big problem. It can "grease the wheels" for the onset of a down. Anxiety leads to a poor appetite and desire to punish oneself. This thinking will exacerbate any looming depression and thus the cycle commences. It is the ability to identify this situation early on in the scheme of things that can be of real help in staying in good form. Sometimes though it just arrives and there is very little that one can do to avoid it, so, it is as well to steer through. I would also urge anyone that there is no shame in trying to talk to someone either. Last week I was very glad that I had a couple of people to talk to. Anyone that suffers from bipolar KNOWS that it can be hard to stretch out a bit and try to interact but if we can try, at least then we are on the way to getting out of the funk. It is also true that most bipolar people know that when you are in it - you're in it.

There are sometimes more difficult obstacles to be overcome. Imagine, for example, that your own self-esteem had been eroded to the point that you felt the situation is hopeless. This is obviously not a nice place to be in and the best thing to do at that point is to try to remember that you have been there before and that it DOES get better. Easy to say, hard to hear, but well worth listening to.

To all that consider themselves "apart" from those with the mental equivalent of a light sneeze (or a broken leg) I would ask them to carefully reconsider that not all people are "nuts" - they just need some sincerity and hopefully respect. I have seen it and it can bring out the best in people of all kinds and on either end too. If your new acquaintance upon receiving such good manners still considers themselves Batman or Captain Nemo well then probably best to give them a little space.

Sometimes a person may shout out to themselves seemingly. Sometimes someone will think that they are twenty times their own weight and terribly ugly. Sometimes someone may seem to have just too much energy or does not appear to be able to listen. Sometimes someone might just cry for no apparent reason. Nobody sets out to be like that but sometimes it just cannot be avoided.





 

Day # 146 - NO! That isn't finished yet.

WARNING - EXPLICIT CONTENT THAT IS QUITE UNPLEASANT. PLEASE NAVIGATE AWAY FROM THIS PAGE IF YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE SHOCKED. DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER EXCEPT AT YOUR OWN RISK. I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY OFFENCE CAUSED BY THE CONTENT ON THIS PAGE.















I often wanted to write a piece of music that was "an apology to the world" and I still think of it a lot. During the past six weeks or so I decided that it was ok to have a few pints but what has been happening is that with other events and stress I have been returning to that old cycle of self-medicating using alcohol. When I look back at my life virtually all the mad stuff that I did was reacting to stress and then letting that take hold, have a few beers and then go do something really stupid. I look back and hate myself for all of the stupid stuff that I have done and said. 

Many years ago I wanted to become a soldier. I had done some basic stuff in the reserve forces but I wanted to join up full-time and live the life. My family has a strong tradition of military service and I so wanted to be part of that. I discovered in my late teens that I was colour blind and also have some heart trouble. Whilst I love the former (along with ADD) I am not a massive fan of the idea of heart problems. I never became a serviceman although I did work for a while in security. I hated it. I think that the only thing I miss are some of the people that I worked with.

I cannot begin to describe the feelings of needless guilt and self hatred that seem to have gotten way worse during the past ten years. I put it down to the stuff that is going on in the world and my sensitivity to it. I wish that I was a better man but I am not really doing that well at it lately. I have always tried my best to be real but that "real" isn't to the liking of many people. Those that do get on with me - I value their friendship a great deal.

As may have been apparent from the past few posts I have been rapid cycling with depression and even thinking "What's the point?" but I HAVE to keep going. In order to do that effectively I need to try and withdraw and reconsider my options. A short time back - less than six months I became friendly with a Gentleman that is interested in radio and technology. We have never met but we correspond via email and have exchanged a couple of letters. It is a strange thing that though we have never met I value his friendship a great deal. I hope that it will continue. In correspondence he has given me some sage advice but of late I have (probably) burdened him with manic behaviour, nonetheless the man has been very kind and tolerant of me and has been a great help in assisting me in my efforts to do certain stuff in radio. It is the fact that plain, simple effortless kindness, a TRUE human kindness, still exists that makes me keep going.

I would like to put all of my mistakes right. I'd love to be able to apologise to everyone that I was rude or unpleasant to. I would love to make amends with those I have offended or p*ssed off. One cannot just aim at being a "people pleaser" - THAT is ridiculous and I find that sort of moral obsequiousness to be suspect. I have had a few false starts during the past week or so but I have decided that today is going to be the beginning of the change. I am going to try to get back on the horse because I must. I am no good to anyone in a depressed state so it is up to me to try and get a handle on this. I usually get about one manic period per year but the current one is easily the longest lasting and certainly the most painful. I am finding it virtually impossible to eat. I am reminded that it is important when I think of a saying from an old and VERY dear friend; "An empty bag won't stand!" - I am going to try and eat today.

I just want to say here and now that I am sorry for the things that I have done that weren't nice to people. I am sorry if I was ever insulting or bad mannered. I apologise unreservedly to those I have offended but I make no excuse for any retort I have made towards aggression and threatening behaviour.

When I was a child some pretty awful stuff happened to me and sometimes I had to watch people that I loved get hurt and feel pain. I also did something that I hate myself for. I was about 12 years old and I found a small cat that was stray. I brought him to my Grandmother's house and gave him some food. I loved playing with him and making him purr. I had no idea about what was going to happen. My Grandmother had become very unwell after her first born son had died. He was a robust man in his mid forties that died in his sleep from a cerebral hemorrhage. I used to spend a lot of time with my Grandmother after my uncle died. She became very depressed and drank a fair bit as a result of her son's death. I am not trying to rationalise here but I must get it off my chest so to speak. About a week after the cat came along I came in from school early as we were given a "half-day". My Grandmother was quite upset and it was easy to tell that she had been crying and had been drinking. Please don't get me wrong - she wasn't a big drinker but she did get like that after her son died.  I went looking for the cat and I was told that he was in the back yard , he was dirty and "full of fleas" and that I would have to get rid of him. There was a lot of arguing from me but my Gran was insistent. I didn't understand and I couldn't question. I was told to "get rid" of the cat. I tried to explain that I couldn't just throw him out. I was then told that the world can be a cruel place sometimes and that sometimes we have to do things that are hard. I was beginning to understand but then I realised that I was being to told to do away with the cat. This was to be something that I was bound to take responsibility for.

I carried him to the sea near where I lived and then I had to "do away with" the cat. That was nearly 40 years ago and there is rarely a day that I don't think of it. I feel terrible for having to have killed that innocent creature and I so truly wish that I didn't. When I did it I was a little upset and that passed after a week or so but since early adulthood it haunts me. I have always loved cats and try to support feline rescue work in some small way. I would like to have one around but I am afraid that my depression would get worse. I can never forget having done that though and in many ways I feel terrible when that awful day comes to mind.

For years I spent a lot of time doing some really, REALLY crazy stuff and I have thought was I living like that in order to be killed? Some sort of desire to be punished maybe. I don't know. The important thing now is to try and stay alive to be able to do the right thing. I wish that folks understood that I harbour no hatred and that I just want to live a peaceful life. Perhaps maybe contribute to the betterment of the earth or just cultivate a little happiness in the hearts of those that seek the same.

To all of those that I have hurt or offended I am truly sorry. There are a half a dozen things that stand out as events that I regret. I always will regret those things no matter how trivial but I hope that I am forgiven. I sincerely hope dear reader that I still have some respect from you BUT to those that will pick apart the blog and use the content to develop new ways of hating and cultivating hatred, I wish you nothing but piss poor bad luck with it.

Day #142 - Whatever...

Back when I restarted this blog a few months back, it was to help assist me get some perspective and what way I responded to stuff. It has been helpful and I enjoy writing when I can. It was a sort of therapy to be able to describe things as they are. I am bipolar and that can be tough for others as well as the sufferer themselves. I have found myself lately very depressed because of continuing attacks on my van and not being able to earn properly, move around, get stuff done.

I have ordered some cctv gear and hope to get the house well camd up. Remote viewing will be a necessity along with regular uploads to the "cloud" (never really liked that term). Anyway with luck and some work things will start to take a better tack soon. I am fed up of sleeplessness, lack of appetite, general listlessness and occasional teariness.

A taxi driver that carried my Mother back from day care today wondered aloud/asked why I hadn't found myself some fine, well off woman (or something..) I was quite surprised by this question though it was just a friendly remark. It made me think of my history with the ladies. I have never been great "boyfriend" material. I have never been good at saying the right stuff because that is just game playing and I have a lot more respect for women than that. Then there is the general scruffiness that goes with being an old tech/guitar fiend/geek (LONG before the term was invented!) I have been married, as I have mentioned in a previous post and realise that she is far better off without me. I hope that she is happy. My depression made things tough for both of us. Not everyone's cup of tea.

Owing to all of the recent vandalism and a general sense of disarray I have been on a severe down. The two worst things about it are the sleeplessness and fatigue during the day. My appetite is also shot. I have no idea in any concrete way of who might be doing this stuff but I will find out and will seek the strongest penalties. The physical effects are worse than the financial ones.

In the ten or so days since I last posted I have been right in it and it has been shit. I prefer when people are at peace with themselves as well as others. I like to feel positive when writing and try in some way to write something that is worthwhile reading and not just an occasional moan. I don't like it when it feels like that.

I haven't done a THING with radio. A fortnight back I was conducting experiments with gusto and enthusiasm yet since the dog got back in I have just ignored it. I hope to get back to that with some renewed vigour when this passes. Hopefully a couple of cameras can bring me closer to normality and thus onward to productive work at peace, at home with my Mother. 

She gets a real buzz out of it - hearing foreign radio hams talking to eachother. When I was starting out I have to give my Mum most of the credit for sustaining my interest in electronics. It was her that ensured I could get my bulbs, batteries and switches to play with. In fact, even my Grandmother played an important role too. I remember her taking me on a 300 mile round-trip train journey to buy the necessary components for a radio I was building. I find it ironic that the plans for the radio were in a wonderful Ladybird book that she bought for me. The book was written by Rev G.C. Dobbs. Rev. Dobbs is the founder and chairman of the GQRP Club - dedicated to low power radio. I have been a member for a few years now and still get a wonderful surprise when the quarterly A5 sized journal drops through the letterbox. Radio has always meant a lot to me.

I sometimes do work on music tech stuff, mainly guitars which I been messing with for almost 30 years. Electronics for over 40. I am getting older now and my eyesight isn't what it once was but I do still intend to keep going with this fascinating hobby.

So, I guess that's it until the next time.. I do enjoy wring this because there ARE people that read it and if they get any kind of insight or entertainment (for want of a better word) then I am glad. I'm going to try and steer out of this with effective work. Better get started on the evening's comestibles.

Thanks for reading. Peace be with you.

Day #132 - Time to wise up!

I just can't blog. I feel sick and I am so tired. I have sat up during several nights trying to catch the person messing with my van and the wear is beginning to take its' toll. My neck and back are seized with a creak and I am going to the toilet far more frequently than I would like. My appetite is gone and I just feel so tired. I am going to try to sleep but it is difficult. I will write more when I get to feel better but at the moment I feel awful. I have been told  that time spent on recon is time seldom wasted yet I feel that I am solidly wasting my time. I feel like an idiot and I expect that I have earned that feeling. I just want to get all of this finished. I just want to be well again. It might be time to wise up.

Day #124 - The Way It Has To Be

WARNING - EXPLICIT CONTENT - NOT EASY READING FOR THE SENSITIVE - IF YOU ARE OF SUCH DISPOSITION - IT MIGHT BE BEST TO NAVIGATE AWAY NOW - I DO NOT ACCEPT ANY RESPONSIBILITY SHOULD YOU READ ANY FURTHER - WARNING - DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE - THERE IS NO INTENTION TO SHOCK OR OFFEND










For years I was a member of a fan forum for the guitarist Shawn Lane. I hadn't really been a fan of Lane's but was a member of another forum and one of the chaps there suggested that I might want to check out the Lane forum. I was getting flamed a lot on the other site and being amongst such nice people was a breath of fresh air. I was quite unfamiliar with Lane's music and still am to a large extent and was "saving" his output for "some time in the future". Lane was renowned for his technical facility on guitar and keyboards/piano but some of his compositions are simply breathtaking. I would strongly suggest to any fan of instrumental rock music to check out some of his stuff - it isn't everyones' cup of tea obviously but the quality that I enjoy about it is the optimistic joy that it contains. Today I heard something for the first time that really blew me away. I will post a link to the youtube page at the end of this post.

Like I have mentioned in a few previous posts, I haven't been too well of late. I often have no idea as to when the depression will kick in hard and for the past fortnight it has been quite bad. It is rapid cycling at the moment. That can be the hardest part - the term "emotional roller-coaster" is a bit of an overused phrase but it describes a rapid cycling situation quite well. The thing that started all of this could be one of many events that occurred during my lifetime. When I was a small child I saw a man shot in the head at close range. I was only a child and it was during a bank robbery that took place in my hometown. I remember so much blood pooled around the victim and just a ring of people surrounding him unable to do anything - it was obvious that it was a fatal wound. The psychotherapist that I began to see in the early 1990's (now sadly RIP) suggested that this might be part of my difficulties. I have also seen plenty of other violent acts at close quarters and these too have no doubt had an effect. I was physically attacked and beaten - taken unawares well over ten years ago and that is certainly a factor. That kind of thing effected me so deeply because it was just plain WRONG. There is also the non-violent acts of pure disrespect that we all see in our lives and for me these are most sickening. Back when I was married my (ex)wife - a non-European - used to have a saying; "What is wrong be nice!" - for quite some time I thought that she was saying "What is wrong? Be nice!" but she really meant was; "What is wrong with being nice?" - we parted ways a long time back but I still hold many of her personal maxims quite dear. Our marriage ended mostly because I was unwell - more unwell than I realised and that just took its' toll. I often became depressed owing to the fact that I felt that I could do nothing right in spite of my best efforts. THEN I used to drink to feel better but it just didn't work. It was Orwell that said; "A man drinks because he feels himself a failure and then fails all the more because of it!" My three months abstinence was all about trying to gain some perspective on drinking but also to help me figure out why I was doing it. The self harm that I have often engaged in is perhaps too some kind of anaesthetic. I also consider it a sort of punishment for not being able to do anything right and "not being good enough". Whilst that might sound absurd it is completely reasonable to me. One must be careful with such activities - they are dangerous for ones own health. I am doing what I can to avoid it.

Many years ago I briefly used heroin - some of the musicians that I worked with were doing it and it seemed like EXACTLY the sort of dangerous madness that I would like. I never really liked it though - it made me really sleepy, less lucid and "itching like a man up a fuzzy tree" to quote the King. I found the people that I came into contact with to be dirty and of very loose morals. Some dangerous people for sure. I ended up using methadone for a while which I foolishly thought would be "better" but after overdosing on that I stopped cold turkey. The whole flirtation was only a brief one but it was dangerous and stupid. I think that I was punishing myself for not being good enough. I knew after that OD that I would have died quite soon had I continued using and the worst of it was how it had altered the quality of my life in a very short time. I was living in a real "shit pit" of a room and was selling my possessions on a daily basis to score. Stopping was not hard (though I was very sick for about a month) as I had seen what I might have become and that truly motivated me to call a halt. Some though have never had it so lucky and to this day I know of one of the most talented musicians I have ever met who just never came back. He may be dead by now, I don't know but I DO know that it destroyed him in a VERY short time. This man was a professional player that toured the world with big name acts but heroin ended his career. Permanently. He is only one of many sadly. I would warn anyone that has even the briefest dalliance with such substances that it IS a VERY foolish move. Please trust me on this - it IS truly terrible. I am getting quite sick just thinking about it. I have made this admission in order to make clear the danger of messing with ones' own LIFE but also to try and convey that low-self esteem can be a sneaky beast and should you be caught unawares it can destroy your defences.

One of the things that I have written about throughout this blog is what I term "Lobsters" these people could just as easily be called HATERS - a common term in the US. Some folks just cannot bear to see people get ahead. I know one individual that knows about my time using heroin and has been heard to remark that it was a pity that I stopped; implying that a slow and painful death would be something I deserved. It is remarks like these; the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" that can impede the progress and development of the person, particularly the sensitive person and ESPECIALLY those with low self esteem which, as I have already stated is part of the package when it comes to bipolar disorder. Insincerity is another thing that I dislike a great deal. There is an expression that I heard just a few years back about a chap that would "piss all over your back and then tell you it was raining". What is one to do with a person like that? What about the person that seeks to eclipse your victories no matter how small because they cannot bear to see you happy? I have a theory that they seek to cultivate misery in others so that a vacuum or lacuna manifests itself into which they can insert lies and thus further misery. It is sick, sad and perverted but such is the way of the lobster.

Let me clear about this. I am not demeaning the crustaceans at all. I like all sea creatures - except the pretty scary ones that just want to kill you or look like they would. That might be narrow minded however aesthetics do come into it a bit for me but, trivia aside - I chose the term lobster as it comes from a joke that I heard for the first time maybe ten years back. It describes the kind of person I am referring to perfectly. Not those that are into schadenfreude but those that actually feel better holding others back than trying to develop themselves. It is more of an allegory than a joke. I will write a short version of it here...

A man who is really into seafood and haute cuisine visits (insert country here) and decides to visit all the famous spots that are well known for their fish dishes. After touring extensively he ends up in (insert town here) and visits their famed local seafood eaterie. Having being seated by the M'aitre D or Patron, the man notices that there is a large glass fish tank filled with lobsters bubbling away in a corner. He also notices that there is no lid on the tank. He finds this somewhat unsettling and after a few minutes he calls over a waiter to enquire as to why there is no lid on the tank and expresses concern that he would be afraid that a lobster will escape and start crawling about. The waiter reassures the man that in the 20 years that he has worked at the restaurant he has never seen a lobster escape. The man is a little skeptical but he is once again reassured that these lobsters are caught in the coastal waters of (insert town here) and they just don't go crawling about out of their tank once they are put in there. "Why?" asks the man. The waiter replies; "Because if one of them tries to get out, the rest will just grab him and pull him back down again!"

I will do all that I can to avoid being pulled down and try my best to stay away from those that seek to cultivate misery in both myself and others. I have respect and support for all of those that do suffer from depression and those tormented by PTSD. Let them take at least some comfort in the fact that they have developed the condition owing to sensitivity to things for which they were not prepared. It is not their fault. Try to steer through it if you are such a soul. Do what you can. Like Winston Churchill said; "It is the courage to continue that counts!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lorwB98lb44

Thanks for reading this. Peace be with you.

LATE POST - Day #119 - Pay As You Go

Like I related in the last post things have been a little bit rough of late. I have had a couple more small van related events - the bonnet/hood was "keyed" (it means scratched with a key) and a front wing/fender was kicked resulting in a fair dent. What bothers me most about this is that the "person" responsible hasn't the courage to express his ire towards me in any other way. Owing to the consistency of the events I can only put it down to mental illness. THAT is fine but I figure that there would be a far greater release in tension if they just presented themselves and we'll figure it out. After the transmission failure and having to shell out for that I am totally broke with something I thought that I'd never see again in my wallet; pawn tickets. You pay as you go as they say. The level of depression that I descended into last week had me wanting to pull my own teeth out. I was drinking hard and just feeling terrible. Thank goodness that has now stopped. The funny thing about life where I come from is that SOME people almost WANT to have something to complain about. They need an enemy and if it is a little bit different more's the better - they can just hate and be happy that they can avoid introspection. I saw a great video on youtube the other day that in and among the sketches there are a few that sum up the situation perfectly...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpZbaz3Wlfw

Unfortunately the stuff in this video would not be so funny if it wasn't true. It really rubs me the wrong way when disrespect is presented to one as some kind of benevolence that a true and REAL person ought be grateful for just because it is presented with "good intentions" and self-righteous "smilingness", sometimes with a layer of smugness not so far beneath the surface either, though often forcibly removed from the conciousness involuntarily lest it might collide too readily with any semblance of truly authentic humanity. Do such people think that ALL of those around them that they PRETEND to "love", "like" or "respect" are thick? All one needs to be able to identify bullshit is just to have sampled bullshit before. There's no high end science or magic attached to that.

Furthermore, apropos being treated as stupid or thick (usually in the most sugary and patronising way) yet very skilfully disguised.  If you expect to be treated with respect and honesty then remember that it's a two-way street. Self-righteousness just makes me feel nauseous.

Anyway, after last night staying up until nearly 4am working on my antenna I am going to take this opportunity to get to bed early and sleep hopefully. Often when I am TOO tired I just cannot sleep properly. Before I do retire though I'd like to share a short poem that was written by Joseph Merrick aka "The Elephant Man". I find it most touching because it delineates my feelings of self worth when the depression kicks in. I am grateful to God or whatever one wants to call him/her/it that I have never had to experience the terrible things that Merrick did. I find the poem - which I only discovered recently - to be something quite beautiful. I don't consider it apologetic but more of a profound kindness that stretches out a hand of peaceful benevolence. It could well be amongst the most beautiful things that I have ever read.

'Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul;
The mind's the standard of the man.

--

This is a late post inasmuch as I wrote it a few days ago. I am not very well at the moment but intend to update over the weekend. I am sorry dear reader but the bipolar thing is in full effect right now. I HAVE felt worse that IS true but not by much. Stick with me is all that I ask.
  

Day #114 - Making up ones' mind

In the near two weeks since I last blogged some pretty wild and crazy stuff has happened. I thought that everything was ok and for a few days it was. I went out to do my usual stuff but slowly I began to get a bit down. I missed the old inertia that I had been enjoying for a few months there and just shrugged it off as some mild depression. BUT in the past week I have been ungood. I have pissed off a good man that I have nothing but respect and admiration for. I have harmed myself quite a bit - way too much actually. I have been unpleasant to certain people that didn't need that kind of rhetoric and almost ended up in a fight with two different people for no good reason apart from the fact I had been self-medicating with drink and was just putting my shit in their way. In my personal life I have never really been everyone's "cup of tea". I know one guy that just HATES to see me happy so he makes a few oblique insults and then pisses all over my back when it is turned. I have met folks that I was hitting it off with quite well but after as little as half an hour I end up getting a negative vibe from them all because of the LIES that this guy tells them about me. This is the same individual that very quietly  and in a faux-conspiratorial fashion spread a rumour that I was a sex offender. THAT hurt and still does but it is just more lies and so at the end of the day it isn't such a big deal. I don't expect that he will ever change but that is because he is a coward and totally false, both to himself AND others. If he was hit by a train tomorrow I could only wonder if many people had their own journey delayed.

The other thing I have noticed during the past couple of weeks is the slowing down in my productivity. I have let a lot slide. Since my van was first vandalised it has happened again twice. I suspect the individual responsible has some kind of grudge. I still don't have all the evidence I need but I know that they are pretty close to me, they have transport, they probably have a key for the van and they have a pretty clear idea of my movements. Last Saturday morning I went to my vehicle to drive to have a cooked breakfast at one of my favourite eateries. The van was running badly and I lifted the hood only to find that the clutch actuator had been interfered with. I tried to drive home but my transmission was destroyed within a mile. The worst of it is that I had to pawn one of my favourite instruments to raise the fundage to pay for the repair. Last night someone siphoned off all of the fuel in the tank. This is making things most inconvenient for me and my Mother. I don't really have an income as a full-time carer so the expense is a bit much. When I manage to get the funds together I am going to try and get some cctv installed. I have actually done a few cctv installs but to put in the system I need I am looking at quite a few shillings.

Anyway, dear reader, thanks for sticking with me for the past couple of weeks. I still have plenty to relate and HOPE to publish a new antenna design in the next few weeks. Well, it's more of a refinement of an existing design but aimed at those with limited space, funds and technical skills. I have a few bugs to iron out and then hopefully...

G'nite to you, sleeping time now.

Day #101 - Life's what you make it..or...

I appear to have arrived reasonably safely. It's only rock n' roll but I like it. Happy Friday! etc...

Day #99 - That'll give him something to blog about

FIRST - APOLOGIES FOR NOT BEING TOO UP TO DATE, THINGS HAVE BEEN QUITE ARDUOUS. GETTING THROUGH IT MIND.

BUT,


For the past few weeks things have been a bit difficult. I have had my college deadlines looming and as has been the case for the past couple of years I get pretty unwell. I haven't self-harmed in months and though that I was past the things that would make me behave like that. In my life I have a few things hanging in the balance. Some are quite nasty in their own way but I have been dealing with them as much as I can in a sensible and balanced fashion. In many respects I feel confident that my position is considered safe and I am glad but the potential for upheaval that always seems to creep back under times of duress. This is a symptom of the anxiety that comes along with post-traumatic stress. The "disorder" part of it has never been an appealing term within the diagnosis but it is what it is and I am so very glad that I am in much more control of my anxieties that I have been in the past.

Two days ago I got busy with a razor on myself. I hate doing it but as I have heard someone say when asked if they hated doing it, they replied; "It feels better". I understood this reply to mean that it felt better, relatively, than the thing that was hurting them so much. I have always been of the desire to be punished. Not engaging in some masochistic peccadillo but more to experience being blown to pieces in a missile attack or being shot with cannon at close range - the messier the better. No martyrdom just basically being disintegrated. That thinking is obviously absurd but when Kurt Cobain penned the lyric "I Hate Myself and I Want to Die" I kind of got it. Morrissey has a few choice ones too. It can be like that in the depression that can often preceed the downs that come. I am trying my best to keep doing as much of the "right thing" as I can.

I really love doing productive work, turning ideas into realities, being available and subsequently effective. I have always been flattered by the opportunity that comes when one is turned to as the "man that can" and although my glory days were few and a long time back I am still trying to work on little victories. Even being able to sit here and write this in moderately positive mood is a great reward to me and helps me consider that it is right to keep going. Again I am reminded of Winston Churchill's words; "When you are going through hell, keep going!" Solid advice as any one might encounter regardless of ones view of the man. I thought that he was pretty ok, made a few mistakes but was solid and kept going. I like the fact that he wasn't going to let fear get the better of him especially given his lifelong struggle with bipolar disorder.

Bipolar rage can be a most terrible thing and when you're in it you lose sight of the damage that it can do to you and those around you. I hate being bad tempered - it has cost me dearly on a number of occasions but I have always tried to avoid it with various coping mechanisms. Last night at around 2:00am my van had its' door mirror smashed and twisted off by a person that I am pretty sure I know. I also know well that he knows me. The van, which I only bought a couple of months back has been an enormous help with me looking after my Mother and getting around doing stuff. I take her to her day centre, do the shopping (properly) and we go for drives that are always pretty good for a laugh and relaxation. The person that damaged my van has upset my Mother and that to me is a bit of a dumb thing to do. I wish all manner of unpleasantness on the individual concerned until such time as I have all the relevant details of their mistakes - this is probably the same chap that made shit of my motorcycle earlier this year. This person is a coward. No mettle at all. None. Slightly brazen, but then so are many animals, even those which for their breed, ought display more well directed intellect as opposed to base and instictive behaviour. After all is this not what differentiates between humans and beasts. Such an individual is basically masturbating and howling about their emission. They are, put simply, a wanker. Toss-pot or similar. Please excuse the use of such language but it is essential to convey their character. Bit of a lobster too only slightly deformed.

Anyway, they have crossed a line again. I nearly always give a second chance to everyone that crosses a line. This "person" - and I use the term loosely, has no chances now. I care little for how long I take to initiate a corrective measure. It is nothing I am worried about. I know how it basically will go. Very basically.

Thanks for having read this dear reader and apologies once again for not having been on my game blog wise. I have quite a few radio adventures to impart in due course but this entry has been really to offer some perspective to an individual that has little else available with regard to the current state of our "relationship".

If there is a downside I need to say that it saddens, angers and disappoints me that I have the provocation that will lead to the best I can offer. The worst that I can wage. Devil take the hindmost.

Day #84 - Knowledge is power

I have a good friend who once had a tagline on his emails that read something like; "knowledge is not like money - you won't have any less if you give some away!". That always struck me as a pretty cool maxim but it is remarkable how many folks out there genuinely hide knowledge and resources for fear of loss. This sort of behaviour can be encountered in many fields of human existence. It is not uncommon coming up to exam time at the university for some students to hide books or remove pages from books to thwart the progress of others. I remember years ago I tried to get some help from a student at a college I attended but he just blanked me in the end. The preamble to it was a lot of BS and excuses about his availability for WEEKS but when it came down to it he just couldn't bring himself to help. Idiot. I also experienced the same sort of thing some time later at university. I really couldn't understand it, but then you need to be just like that to understand it and have some perspective. Like the old saying goes; "It takes one to know one!" I do not know if I really like that oft used retort but what I like even less is that sort of lobsterism.

When I was younger I used to do a lot of hitch-hiking around the country. I used to just take off with a destination in mind and hit the road. I used to find it pretty easy but back then people were more willing to help someone with a lift. Not so these days where giving someone a lift is tantamount to throwing money away. It seems to be a widely pervasive problem in modern Ireland, the whole "why should I?" thing. People feel that their quality of life is likely to be lessened by helping another. People are more likely to do something nice for others if there is some kind of assurance that they are likely to be SEEN by others to be performing some act of "selfless generosity" or "kind benevolence". If these folks are unlikely to be seen being virtuous then they are unlikely to be SEEN being virtuous. Years ago in Ireland you used to see a lot of these type of people at Sunday Mass, right up the front, praying overtly and making exaggerated gestures of piety and devotion. These people are of course, hypocrites.

I think that I am likely to spend some time thinking of ways to test the particular theory that people are more likely to be virtuous/generous/benevolent provided OTHERS get to see it. OR a mechanism exists where OTHERS will get to learn of the "virtuous" persons acts of "goodness". It is the modern preoccupation with OTHERS that has led to the cult of celebrity, the proliferation of "talent shows" and "reality" television. Strangely there are few things as overt as someone pretending to NOT LOOK or SEE YOU, be they the individual in a car with their eyes firmly fixed ahead or the vain and pretty person that always has one eye on the mirror. This is the practical, real time manifestation of LIVING a LIE.

This is certainly what Sartre was talking about when he asserted "L'en fer des autres" ("Hell is other people!"). But for a moment let us return to the guarding of knowledge, what is the "other" driven reason that prevents ordinary people from sharing knowledge? It is something that can be examined or scrutinised against the perspective of foresight combined with fear. People are afraid to share because they fear that at some point "down the road" that there is a greater statistical likelyhood that SOMEONE ELSE will bask in the glorious recognition provided by OTHERS. That some less deserving individual will attract the spotlight. This is one of the signs of a true lobster - someone that cannot bear to witness the success of another. James Joyce called these people "begrudgers". Lobsterism is clearly nothing new.

Day #77 - What a load of rubbish!!!

Down through the years I have often trawled in bins and skips (dumpsters) in search of interesting rubbish of the tech variety to hack/repair/re-use or just to salvage some parts from. I have managed to get quite a few really great things over time and once I carried a massive oscilloscope home on a sack truck to cannibalise it for parts. Today I was walking back from my physiotherapy appointment through the grounds of the University when I noticed a real gem dumped in the back of a truck along with other various items that were all destined for the dump. I immediately found the driver of the parked truck and the following conversation took place...

Me; Hi, are you the guy driving the truck?

Guy; Yes, what can I do for you?

Me; I noticed a piece of rubbish in the ba...

Guy; No!

Me; I just wanted to know if...

Guy; No!

Me; Could I just finish? I just want to...

Guy; No!

Apparently, and I would have known if I could read minds, the stuff that gets dumped by the college must get dumped INTACT and cannot be interfered with by anyone for...wait for it...HEALTH and SAFETY reasons. It seems that there is a worry that if someone takes some rubbish and harms themselves with it then the college may be liable. OK, I get it but it strikes me as a bit full-on doing things like that. The guy that was driving the truck reassured me that "everything gets recycled". Well, I sort of figured that one out for myself but why? In this age of hackerspaces and makerspaces as well as the proliferation of robot builders it could be a good idea to offer these bits to students and other interested people so that they can use the redundant plant for interesting projects. Rules are rules I suppose but it still rankles that some really choice hardware is getting dumped. It wouldn't surprise me if the 'scope still worked ok. The trouble is though that yes, it IS possible that somebody could get hurt messing withh a machine that may have some problems but if the person is a tech then surely they would have enough presence of mind to exercise all of the usual caution when dealing with a potentially dangerous machine. I really wanted to argue the point with the truck guy but there would have been little point. The thing that I found interesting was that when I said that the 'scope was worth a few hundred the guy REALLY changed his tune. Maybe I have opened up a new avenue in the electronics hobby for the guy though I doubt it. I resigned myself to not getting to hack the 'scope and tried to think about something else. I did though, take a photograph of it just so I could post the picture. It is sort of sad that those cool retro knobs will never find their way onto one of my homebrew projects. The thing seems WAAAY more desirable when it is just out of reach - hey, I'm only human. Here's the picture...

I need to get friendly with that truck driver I think.

The physio appointment that I mentioned earlier went quite well too. The physiotherapist was very encouraged by my progress and to be honest so was I. I have managed a 50% increase in my flexibility and improved strength too. I have a new regimen of exercises to do too so hopefully in a few weeks I will be even closer to being back to normal. I took another picture while I was in the hospital. It was of someone that spends a lot of their time in the physio department...

I've tried to format the image so that it appears the correct way up but my efforts so far have not worked. Sometime I'll get around to learning how to do it properly. Anyway dear readers, I will close for now owing to the fact that I am VERY tired. I will try to get some more writing posted soon but I have a couple of essays that need doing and IF I am ever going to submit them then they are going to have to be written first. I hope it goes ok. G'nite.

Day #71 - Sorry to bother you...(while you're at work)

A couple of days ago I went to a local DIY and hardware centre to try and buy a plastic garden chair. You've seen them, they are rounded at the back and injection moulded, usually found in white or green. There must be one in every home in the country. I walked up to an employee of this hardware shop and asked very politely; "Do you have any plastic chairs, the sort of garden furniture variety, like you might see on a patio?" - response; "I don't know. If you ask that guy over there or even try the customer services desk they should be able to help you." Well, I must be getting quite ornery in my old age because I thought that the whole purpose of having staff moving around a shop floor included looking after the people who are the very reason that the shop exists. Not so it seems. I know that jobs like the one that this chap is in are badly paid and tedious but that isn't really my fault. I've worked in some very badly paid jobs but of all of them one in particular stands out a mile. For legal reasons I cannot name the job or the chap that owned the company but I'd love to. When Michael Douglas' character in the movie "Wall Street", Gordon Gekko, declared that "Greed is Good!" I reckon more than just a few budding entrepreneurs took on this phrase as a mantra of commercial live-saving nous. They came to believe that by being greedy you were doing the right thing - you were living according to the zeitgeist that emerged in the late 1980's and continued unabated right up until the early part of this millenium. The interesting thing is that even now there are many businesses that follow the Gekko trajectory feeling that the characteristic of being greedy will grease the wheels on any commercial enterprise. I don't understand it.

Being driven is a good thing as is having ambition and a desire to succeed but letting greed be the governor of everything that you do erodes morality and undermines any true human virtue. It may be a profitable thing but it is not something honourable.

Day #67 - Road Rage

It may well be a primal thing, stemming perhaps from that old saying "A man's home is his castle!" or some such but I think that in a car people can get very territorial about space and time. They may also feel a certain right to foist their way upon another. I've had it a few times in recent weeks and it really has made me wonder. Now I'll be the first to admit that I am a bit of an elitist motorist - I learned to drive when I was VERY young - about 11 years old or so and was getting advanced instruction at the age of 14. I developed a few bad habits but these were owing to the fact that I hadn't had any tuition in about five years. I was lucky enough to be trained in advanced driving as an adult by a gentleman who had spent years working for the Metropolitain Police as an advanced instructor. I was under his tutelage for almost 6 months. I made my excuses in order to spend time with the guy - he was great. I have thankfully driven free from accident or incident for over twenty years. OK, I did prang my old Mini in London but that was owing to a brake failure and I did limit the damage by engaging first gear and almost pulling the handbrake out of the floor. Anyway, I'm digressing here.

My driving is always measured and meticulous though I have made some passengers nervous at what they think is a reckless approach. It is not like that really. I think that the only thing that makes me drive a bit "assertively" is other drivers that cannot drive. I cannot bear to see folks using their phones, not using their turn signals, disobeying fundamental rules of the road; stopping at green lights, being unaware of their right of way, running red lights, STILL using their phone (THAT makes my blood boil) I could go on (and ON) but I won't.

So here in Ireland we have some of the most unskilled drivers in the world. Many of them never actually sat a driving test but were granted full licences as part of an "amnesty" to clear the huge waiting list of people that had applied for their test and were waiting to do it. Some years back roundabouts were introduced to alleviate congestion and speed up the traffic flow. It was like introducing a time machine or Nintendo Wii at the Spanish Inquisition - total chaos. Many roundabouts are being replaced now with traffic lights. Traffic lights bring with them their own problems. Most drivers will run an amber signal and even a "just turned red" signal in order that they don't miss out on getting their space. There is one junction near where I live and if I were a traffic cop I'd be able to fill my month's quota in an afternoon. Drivers just skip the red and enter the clearway THEN they stare ahead forcefully ignoring the motorists that wish to travel onward through a green light to their respective destinations. The whole "logic" behind obeying traffic signals seems to be lost on a broad swathe of the driving public.

Then you get the "sleepers", these are folks that are barely awake at the wheel - they're so chilled out they are practically flatlining. Last week I spent several minutes behind a lady that must have been "on the tablets". I got a bit worried and at one point pulled along side to check if she was drunk or something. She turned and flashed an evil stare and then "invited" me to pass. I declined - much to her chagrin - deciding to stay where I was. This annoyed her no end and then, obviously on purpose, she carried on but at a snails pace to passively demonstrate her position. In then end I manoeuvred past her and carried on home.

Today I was unfortunate enough to be stuck behind a chap that was "relaxing" during his drive. He stopped at a pedestrian crossing and after the flashing amber light* commenced he just sat there with an open road ahead of him. I waited for a bit but there was no movement. I went around him and carried on. THIS was a mistake because he then raced right up behind me and sat on my tail for another quarter of a mile. Eventually I pulled in to let him pass but he stopped beside me to deliver a sermon on my driving. I just let him bawl and then moved on after he pulled away. It was then that he braked sharply to cause a collision - thankfully I stopped in time. I was quite angry afterwards mainly because of the hypocritical act of pulling up suddenly in order to cause me to hit him. Sadly it is most likely that he is totally unaware of his own dangerous driving. He just got pissed off that someone passed him and the giant ego that almost always accompanies insecurity suffered some kind of affront. I think that he needs to think about it all because that kind of behaviour CAN cause accidents.

Afterwards my mind rested on some of the best advice that I ever got from my advanced instructor so many years ago, he said; "It takes two things to be a good driver and a safe driver - common sense and good manners!" Sadly it is precisely these two qualities that this particular individual was lacking. Next time I might get out of my car and offer him a pillow - he needs a bit of a lie down I'd say.

I think that it might be an idea to test every driver that was given a full licence as part of that amnesty so many years ago. Then I might feel a lot better about shelling out hundreds for my insurance premium.

* Flashing amber light = proceed with caution provided the way is clear.

Day #61 - Helpful people are a nuisance

I expect that it is possible that upon first reading (or in some cases second or more) the phrase "helpful people are a nuisance" might elicit a quite negative response to the premise. How could it be that helpful people are a nuisance? Surely such people are good and kind. I do not believe this but it was not always the case. When I first encountered this maxim I was in my early twenties. I was of the firm belief that helpful people were great and it was a good thing to have them around. It was when I reflected on the thing and thought about it I realised that it was not the case. The premise was reinforced when it was presented to me with the additional clause; "better to be available than helpful". This statement has stayed with me for over twenty years and I hold a strong belief in it. If one were to consider it then it is easy to see how helpful people or a helpful person could be a nuisance. A helpful person can be as much of a hindrance than anything else whereas if someone is available then you can rest assured in the knowledge that should you require help then it will not be too far way hopefully. Some folks can actually delude themselves into thinking that by performing action "X" they are being of assistance in some way. When I was a kid I remember being surprised by the way that some of the other kids just littered their rubbish about as a matter of course. When they were finished with a crisp packet of a sweet wrapper they would just casually discard it and carry on without skipping a beat. After a while I felt comfortable enough to ask why they did that and the reply was; "sure, aren't I keeping someone in a job!" This to me was an admission of a most severe kind of ignorance. The rationale behind the totally uncivilised act of littering was justified with an explanation alluding to some kind of strange yet virtuous act of civic duty. I was really amazed by it. The "fact" that here, by littering they were creating employment. The  argument was almost universal and largely unanswerable in practical terms. It was something that I just could not understand.

Of course there are situations where helpful people are most welcome. In an emergency situation, rescuers are most welcome. Even when a child or someone elderly or infirm needs help then one should not hesitate if it is pretty obvious that the help is needed. Sometimes there are situations where the person that needs help may not be in a position to request it. It is then that we must present ourselves declaring our availability and willingness to assist and, if necessary, get in there and help. The phrase about the nuisance is when the helpful person just blunders in, foisting their "help" upon another. There is a phrase that can be found in many areas of human activity but is quite common in some branches of the services and that is that "assumptions get people killed". THAT is a very true statement indeed. There are cases  of people "greasing the wheels" to "help" a job along only to be surprised that things didn't work out according to plan. This is when the "plan" is based largely on assumptions.

In my life there are some really nice people that have been friends of the family for many years. Unfortunately to some of these folks, I am not part of my own family it seems. I meet some of these folks on a near daily basis and it strikes me as a bit sad that they harbour some kind of grudge and yet have to smile through gritted teeth maintaining a veneer of sincerity. They may even be indulging in "doublethink" when meeting me. I think that maybe they should get closer to their true feelings AND if there is a genuine problem then address it. Now, you may well be asking yourself; "What on earth has this got to do with helpful people and their predisposition towards being a nuisance?" Well, on the face of it, not a great deal, but there is one element that is a worthwhile connection in my estimation. That, by not being helpful when it is pretty obvious that a small amount of help would not only be useful but also be beneficial or even "counterdetrimental" to strike a bipartite neologism. That would be to heed the fact that the person that may need help is not in a position to ask for it. They could offer that help but it is more useful to them furthering their own aims to avoid doing such a thing lest they be morally obliged to assist. The act of neglecting to help is actually a positive thing to some of these people. That by not helping then the way is clear for further untoward events to occur and this suits these folks perfectly. The same kind of thinking that lies behind the obtuseness of those that "create employment by littering". Often when confronted by a moral arbiter that calls such obtuseness into question the defending utterance is; "Why should I?". Well, my response to that is "Why not?" or "Surely it is about doing the right thing". Some folks feel though that by helping another they are lessening their own chances of doing well. These folks are lobsters that hide behind their own grandiose self righteousness. I do hope that they don't ever need anyone to be of any help to them should they require it but they probably think that they never will need help from anyone, and THAT, is a truly foolish assumption. There are times when we all need help in one form or another. It is most reassuring to know that help will be available. It is depressing to even consider that it may not be. A truly hopeless - and helpless - situation.  G'nite.

Day #58 - Be nice to them, they're in charge!!! (Part 3)

Yesterday I wrote about a cultural malaise manifesting itself within an organisation. I want to turn now to those individuals that whilst - at least to themselves - they are doing their job properly, they still get a little bit "badge happy" so to speak. In the 1960's research was conducted to determine the moral flexibility of persons operating "under orders". The many conclusions that one could draw from study into the results of the research are interesting. It appears that if someone is working in a chain of command they will often become quite zealous about their "work". It is also possible that a sort of sadism can develop in individuals working under orders. They become capable, after a certain measure of self-delusion, that they are doing what they are doing under orders and consequently they absolve themselves of any true moral responsibility owing to the fact that they are acting on behalf of another. I believe that it is owing to the "convenience" of the relationship between superior and subordinate that a degradation of moral integrity occurs and an instinctive desire to exert control over another comes into play.

Often in jobs that are predominately routine and repetitive boredom becomes an unavoidable adjunct to the work being carried out. In order to alleviate boredom primal urges rise to the surface and left unchecked the consequences can be quite dire. Last year in a number of facilities in the UK there were several instances of care workers being cruel and neglectful of clients of care facilities. This is when idle hands began to work in a sinister fashion. It is a potentially very dangerous situation to have an unmanaged routine within a cloistered environment. If one turns their attention to this situation it is almost blindingly obvious - prisons, institutions, schools and other organisations all possess the potential to go wrong if not managed properly. But there is also the potential for an individual to become autonomously rogue in the absence of command and control. It happens frequently in areas of conflict and has done throughout history. Joseph Conrad wrote of just such a situation in his novel "Heart of Darkness". The thing that led me to begin writing about this was something a lot less drastic. It was a call centre operative answering my queries about a very large bill.

Sometimes in a boring job an employee can augment their role in an organisation with new duties that are not, strictly speaking, part of their remit. Sometimes the employee will grant themselves new powers to extend their own perceived responsibilities. This is often a result of boredom and their intellect remaining unchallenged by their actual work. Some folks like to overcomplicate things in order to cultivate enhanced feelings of importance or relevance in ostensibly straightforward situations. I once heard a tyre fitter bang on for nearly half an hour, more or less repeating exactly the same things, about the importance of recognising the polarity of the power supply to a car stereo. He also insisted on referring to the stereo as a "Blue Schpot" but using the definite article when referring to the object so as to accentuate it's importance and uniqueness in the world of car stereos. His job was fitting tyres but owing to the fact that he was a fairly intelligent guy doing a job that didn't really require much skill he deemed it necessary to embellish the situation with the unnecessary. This embellishment satisfied a need that the guy had, a need that wasn't being fulfilled by his actual work.

If we factor in the displacement from the customer that the phone creates, the largely (physically) "absent" management, the mundane environment  - doing and saying the broadly the same things every day, we then have a vacuum that will be filled by the needlessly creative employee. This can lead to a proliferation of "badge happiness" in many cases and this can be to the detriment of the organisation and is potential for a lost customer. It is often the little things that make the biggest difference. So remember, be nice to them - they're in charge!!! ;-)

Day #57 - Be nice to them, they're in charge (Part 2)

Today went quite well, I went to physio and the chap that is treating me was very pleased with the progress that I've been making. He went through a few new exercises with me and hopefully my recovery will continue. After that I had a decent meal at the college and had a brief chat with an old friend about microcontrollers. I guess that I must be a little obsessed by electronics but that is geekdom for you - no half measures when it comes to something with wires.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about "gatekeepers" and descision makers that have in their power, the ability to ruin or make your day. Now I don't want to come over like some kind of snob or someone with an elitist agenda but if that is how it feels to some folks there is little that I can do about it. I know that folks that work on the phone must be interviewed and go through an evaluation process before they get their job. I realise that they have a job to do and often that job can be difficult with awkward customers contributing to the difficulty. I am also aware that a person's environment can alter their thinking and that a "commercial cultural climate" will often have the unwanted side effect of conditioning workers to behave in a certain way. This can happen regardless of the countermeasures put into place to prevent it happening. In a boring job, folks get bored. A collective attitude can develop and that can permeate all areas of an organisation. It can be very subtle and at first or even second glance not appear to exist but further scrutiny and critical examination of certain factors within an organisation can be very revealing. This can often be to the detriment of the organisation and completely undermine its' commercial viability. It can lead to a laissez faire approach to customer care in some instances but in more extreme situations it can be life threatening. Public inquiries, internal memos, news articles all bear testament to this. It is not the final result of a boring job but it can be and managers ought be aware of this lest any stagnation begins to manifest itself which, in the best case scenario creates some miffed customers or at worst, no customers.

Once upon a time a I worked in a job that had such a bad attitude amongst the staff that there was open animosity towards others in the organisation that were doing EXACTLY the same job for EXACTLY the same client. You would hear folks blowing off steam about "those stupid wank*rs" that were standing in the same spot just hours previously. Their working conditions were so poor that they really felt that they had to let off steam against someone and so it was that they did - to eachother. The crazy thing about it is that they never for one moment questioned their superiors, that would have been a way out of a job. They accepted everything that the higher echelons threw at them and willingly. The sole object of their derision was "those stupid wank*rs" on another shift. They also seemed to have a bit of a problem with people that worked in sanitation for some reason as well as those that didn't speak English as a first language.

The company was run with all of the precision and operational flow that one might expect in such a situation but the one factor that could have prevented their ultimate demise was that they felt no need to brief the folks on the ground about the nature of the work that they were doing and the importance of good human relations. All that was presented were polemics on how vitally important the work itself was. I will not go into further detail but I will say that owing to their ineptitude and absence of foresight at a management level they cultivated a situation that led to events that culminated in the collapse of their host company and as a consequence a situation that made them untouchable in the industry. Thousands of people lost their jobs within a very short space of time. The bitterest part of it was that in the job market the company name was not one that made you a desirable asset to other prospective employers.

I will return for a moment to the phone support people. On the phone it can be very easy indeed to be either intimate OR detached. One can cover that ground very quickly in the relatively short duration of a phone call. How often have you been in contact with a person on the phone that you didn't know and found yourself engaged by their voice? How frequently have you found yourself veering towards flirtatious behaviour on a phone call to a stranger? It is easy for this to happen owing to the anonymity that the phone can provide. Of course we are not completely anonymous but we are sufficiently distant to make us slightly more daring. The inverse is also true. How often have you found yourself being more aggressive or rude to a person that you didn't know on a phone call? If we are to think about this we can safely say that it is owing to the fact that a degree of separation exists between ourselves and "the other" that we can become more assertive in our interaction. The level of reciprocity in either positive or negative emotions is enhanced by the loss of proximity. This may explain why many folks can return from a holiday with slightly more that they brought with them on their outbound journey. The loss of inhibition and increase of promiscuity is enhanced by anonymity.

At this point I am going to leave this topic but hopefully I will recall some of the other points that I wanted to make. Thanks for having taken time to read this and hopefully you will return to read another entry.

G'nite.