Day #192 - Am I taking crazy pills here?!?!??

After all of my wishing that things would improve in my mental health life stuff has still been making its' way into the gears and cogs of my "life machine". The usual thing that happens is that you swing up, get too high and then descend raucously into a pit of despair, and then, back again. The time taken moving between these two states of mind can vary.  I believe that it may not be unrelated to the passing of time and a greater awareness of ones' own mortality. I don't think that I fear death but I do fear pain and suffering and probably most of all - being alone. Not to say that there is anything wrong with solitude as we all like a bit of alone time. I think that the fear is compounded by the worry that the alone time will never end. It was Issac Newton that famously said "What goes up, must come down!". Maybe he didn't say it but he is credited with it. Now it is pretty obvious that bipolar disorder involves moving or cycling between two differing extremes. One can be happy and then sad. Sometimes one will swing very rapidly between these two states but often it can be much slower. The negative thing about this variance is that one cannot prepare adequately or know in advance of how long the transition will take. I have been rapid cycling for the past two weeks and it bothers me a great deal. This is because it is during slower cycling periods that one can be more effective at getting things done and as I have pointed out a number of times throughout the blog, practical action, productive work and worthwhile results can be of enormous benefit in maintaining equilibrium.

At the moment I am having all manner of computer problems - I am pretty sure that I have been hacked remotely. This is not paranoia but simply me, expressing a view of things based on real-time observation and experience. I have not arrived at this conclusion haphazardly. It warrants further investigation in order to gain a more rounded view of the situation. I am going to close now as the pop-ups that keep appearing, telling me that I am running low on disk space are driving me nuts. Did I hear someone say "Driving?"

Until next time dear reader. thanks for being there and I will post again soon. I have a lot to say and hopefully enough time in which to say it.