Day #22 - Fear of getting too high

I never used to be afraid of heights. I used to like to climb trees, buildings, antenna masts whatever. Now I get a bit jittery with them. The thing could well be the fact that I am getting older but I would be more inclined to extrapolate that to include the awareness of my own mortality. You may have heard the expression;  "There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole". I can understand and appreciate the thinking and experience that led to such an assertion. I posted a while back that "fear is never boring" - that comes from a tune written by a chap called Rob Fetters from a band called The Bears (Adrian Belew plays with them). I can fully concur with that statement.

When I first started reading about ADD following my diagnosis, one of the things that stood out as a common behaviour amongst sufferers (can anyone think of a more gentle term? I think that ADD is pretty good) was the need to seek out high stimulus environments and situations.

I cannot start to list all of the high stimulus things that I have sought out in my life but I will say that getting close to the edge always had an appeal to me. I have always tried to ensure that I was safe though if I heard the words "don't try this at home!", well then that is what I wanted to do. It may not be unconnected to ADD and depression.

The other thing that I wanted to share was about what I refer to as "lobsters". Don't misunderstand me here - I like the fact that REAL lobsters exist but the term I use as lobster refers to those that seek to cultivate misery in others so that they can see them in pain. It is a sort of bullying but very passive - they try to get ahead by bringing others down. It is a bit sick and sad. The worst of it is that these individuals like to prey on those that are easy targets - it is just instinctive to them but at a very base level. That is illustrative of how "civilised" and "developed" these people are. Not a true warrior among them.

During my first time in the psychiatric ward of our local hospital, after my first breakdown, I met a young lady that suffered from anorexia. I was amazed to see her there I asked; "What are you doing here?" she replied that it was because of anorexia and added; "Isn't it obvious?" I was really surprised because I had never thought that anorexics were classed as folks with a psychiatric issue. During the next few days we talked more and more and then she revealed to me what had happened and how it had happened. She could trace it to the day and hour. To preserve her privacy I will not go into further detail but I will say that she became deeply hurt by a remark made about her "weight" when she was a pre-teen.

I can remember things that happened to me - the date, the place and person. I KNOW that these things were the same as the "are" things that I carry around even today. They residually gnaw at my confidence sometimes. Some lobsters that can be close to you will get to know these "weak spots" and target them. They may congratulate themselves on their hunter prowess but they are little better than fecal matter.

Then you have the blunderers - these are the folks that tend to talk without thinking first and are insensitive to others feelings. Some of the blunderers don't realise that they are being insensitive and whilst it is difficult to blame them, I think that the ones that are so self absorbed that they haven't even the time to consider the feelings of others need to be helped to be made aware. IF they are dismissive of the concept or so bigoted that they will not even consider themselves as candidates for being insensitive then they are best avoided. Some of these folks are self righteous to the point of psychopathy.

There is another technique that is used by the "passive" lobster - they will "muddy the waters" around you with hurtful stories that are distributed in a "fake" conspiratorial way. Gaining the confidence of their "agent" or "tool" in order to cast their net a little wider, so to speak. The "agent" or "tool" may be of the mistaken impression that they have a close friend in the lobster but the only thing the lobster is interested in - apart from themselves (and to be seen as a nice guy and "sound" by others, THAT is usually very important to them) - is to hurt their quarry. The "agent" or "tool" is an unwitting accomplice. A lobster by proxy if you like.

One particular chap I know claimed to have heard from another unspecified individual that I was guilty of "X" ("X" being something totally unspeakable) - total bullshit but illustrative of a shit-stirring lobster in action. When I asked who he had heard it from he claimed to not remember. He practically expectorated the utterance in a VERY reflexive manner and thus delineated his fabrication of this fantasy. He displayed a "tell". Guilty. To quote a good friend, a REAL warrior; "May God grant him a speedy exit!". It is all about the "he said, she said" bullshit to this particular chap. Just thinking of them makes me feel a sort of pity. This short description is about "muddying the waters" - unfortunately that sort of behaviour can get the victim into a lot of trouble. The innocent can be burdened with something that will stay with them for their entire lives. I know because I have seen people turn their impression of me in just a matter of hours. Shit sticks. THIS is something that is not lost on the more "skilled" lobster - I use the term loosely. I cannot see any REAL skill in being a bad person. It is FAR from virtuous.

Have a good day. It is nice to be nice. 

Day #21 - What a difference a day makes

I thought that I had managed to quit cigarettes but the urge got the better of me today and I smoked one. Just one but it was enough. After a couple of days abstinence I could really feel the physical effects that it was having on me - instant light headedness and a sort of jittery-ness that took a while to go away. I am going to try and avoid them in future but I am worried that I might end up letting my anger get the better of me. I must really look into the yoga thing.

A few years ago - quite a few years ago I was working in London at a music shop, it was hard work but it was great to connect with so many musicians and the best of it is that I made quite a few REALLY good friends. Of course, there were a few people that made things a bit taxing but in general I enjoyed my time there. One evening I was invited by some friends to come and jam with their band and the singer during their rehearsal. I explained that I was having a yoga class that evening and l might be a bit late We arranged a time for them to meet me because I did not know how to find the rehearsal studio and in spite of my reassurances the two guys that invited me said that they would meet me after my yoga class at the community centre where it was being held and we would walk over there. I brought my guitar and small amplifier with me to be ready for the off when the time came.

I remember how much I enjoyed the yoga class and how alive I felt when I walked out of the centre. The one thing that I do remember is one of the guys saying to me; "F*ck*ng hell Trigger*, you look incredible!!!" I didn't understand but I realised later that I had undergone some kind of temporary physical transformation within the space of just over an hour. Later at the studio I was totally on my game - playing without thinking almost. I couldn't believe it.

I am pretty sure that we can enter a zone where the mental blocks that occur when doing seemingly difficult things are rendered to an unconscious level. I am sure that one could relate to that. It is something that most of us should have experienced. The idea of doing yoga again is very appealing for the reasons I have explained already.

I don't know if it will be so easy as it was about 15 years since that time but if I can get around to it I WILL. I just need to get my van sorted first.

Today was a bit tiresome - I had to leave the house very early to attend to some business and didn't get back until late lunchtime. Owing to the rain that was in full effect I was compelled to sit in out of the weather and enjoy a light cool soda whilst waiting it out. It was pouring straight down in buckets - brutal weather altogether. I remarked to a friend that it was the kind of weather that could best be appreciated from inside a tent. I do hope that it improves. I also hope that Monsanto self destructs without taking the planet with it. It was St.Paul of Tarsus that said; "It is the LOVE of money that is the root of all evil!" and we all know that money isn't that nutritious. Why are so many people hungry for it then?

I'd best sleep now dear reader. I am so tired. G'nite.

* a nickname that was bestowed upon me by the local kids when I was about 9 years old.

Day # 20 - The Power to Believe

I remember once I was out camping with some friends and I was preparing some firewood for the evening cookout. I had an entrenching tool and was with an ex-friend doing the work on the timber - it was an old pallet for transporting stuff. My ex-friend was holding the pallet and I drew back the tool to strike a crack in the wood that would facilitate the splitting of the timber. As I drew back and was about to strike the ex-friend said; "You'll never hit that!" - I didn't. What was it that made him right? Was his "input" subconsciously obliging me to not to "make a liar" of him? Did that same input undermine my confidence? One can really get into tail chasing when it comes to things like this. That is what philosophy can do to your mind. It isn't, as many of moderately low intellect assert, intellectualising things. It is different to that. It is the power of enquiry in action. Possibly the same sort of thing that drives scientific investigation. I cannot be certain but it IS a far cry from simple "mental masturbation".

When I was a kid I remember caddying for some players at the local golf club. I learned a lot about golf that short time that I caddy'd. Never stand behind a player when he is about to play. The same goes for anyone that is engaged in something that requires total concentration. One of the massive advantages of ADD is that in a high pressure situation it is possible to do what I call "hyper-focus". One can get into that zone when the pressure is high. Like the song goes; "Fear is Never Boring". The results of hyperfocus can be remarkable but it isn't always possible to turn it on, on command. I wish it was but it isn't. It is also possible too, to "drop the ball" when you let your inner voice take the side of that which distracts - fear of screwing up can make you screw up. With Morse code practice I am usually fine until I start thinking about what it is that I am doing. Sometimes the knowledge that someone is there waiting for you to screw up is the worst of all. BUT, is it subconscious obligation? Submissiveness? Involuntary obsequiousness? I don't know but I do know that it is a topic that I would like to think about further.

Today was an interesting one - upon rising I started up my computer and got straight stuck into a Morse practice session. I was appalled to score <20% accuracy. It was only after a few hours that I could get my score back up to 90%+ accuracy. I guess that could be something that I should be mindful of. I think that my mind is usually racing first thing in the morning and owing to the floods of thoughts permeating my awareness, I tend to get very easily distracted.

Last night I was thinking about a friend that I hadn't seen in a while - about half an hour later, he sends me an email. Earlier today I was thinking about a plastic backed notebook for a portable ops logbook for radio. I visited my friend XL and he had one which he gave me as a gift. I am becoming quite firm in the belief that if you want something and you are clear in your mind that it is necessary then it will come. I am equally convinced that the same can be said for malintent but the interesting thing is that with being malintentional one can end up getting some kind of karmic feedback and usually not always that pleasant. It does happen.

I brought my Mother into town today for her first trip out since her discharge from respite care. We had a great day. I was astonished by how many people that she knew. It seemed that everywhere we went we were stopping to say hello to someone - I enjoyed it. The upside for me was that I got to spend some fun and quality time with my Mother. We went to our favourite restaurant in town for lunch but there was no way that she could climb the stairs - that was ok by me. My Mother is a lover of the venerable BLT (bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich) and always gets the chef at our preferred eatery to do it exactly as she wants it. Upon learning that we would not be eating at our fave place I resolved to gather the necessary ingredients to make the "Ninja BLT" - my Mother was not disappointed with the results. That made me quite happy.

Yesterday I quit smoking. I was going to wait until June 6th but as the saying goes there's no time like the present. I think that it was getting to the point that at a pack a day I was asking for it health wise - I have decided to use the saved cash to put towards the radio of my dreams. I have tried to quit before several times but I inevitably ended up back on them. I am more determined now. Perhaps within a few months I will have enough saved to buy such a thing. I had one before and loved it but during a manic episode I sold it for literally pennies and then staggered off drunk to spend the night in a luxury hotel. I felt pretty stupid when I woke up. You can do some really dumb stuff when elevated. I don't even want to think of all the dumb stuff that I did whilst high as a younger man. I will write it all down one day if I live long enough and can remember all of the details I could write but maybe I can save it all as a movie to be re-run over many evenings in my dotage. "Once a man - twice a child" it has been said, well, to paraphrase Pete Townshend: "I hope I get old before I go young !"

I think that the knowledge that there are those that would like nothing more than to see me screw up is what is fuelling me to keep going with my efforts. I've even had those that try to offer a false kind of encouragement that borders on the obsequious - though far more sinister - mildly reminiscent of some milquetoast attempting to ingratiate themselves towards you but with a knife in their back pocket. They give me even greater strength. In fact I feel a sort of moral obligation to "polish the mirror" for such individuals - maybe give them a glimpse of the kind of character they really are. As guitarist Robert Fripp has said; "life is too short to take on the unnecessary." I am not interested in the unnecessary.

Day #19 Part 2 - It's Still Day #19!!!

I had to go out earlier to get a small bit of shopping. I will be doing more of that in the coming weeks I expect, because of the van situation. While I was walking along a good friend popped into my head. I think of him from time to time but it was unexpected that he arrived in my mind when he did. I was thinking about a favour that I owe him and how I would go about doing it. Anyway, I get home and then within about twenty minutes he sends me a message via the web. I hadn't heard from him in ages.

I have a couple of kits for Software Defined Radios and I think that I'll make an attempt to build him a receiver. This chap has mobility issues and I think that radio could be good for him but then I think that radio would be good for everyone.

When I started typing I thought that I had the energy for a long post but at this stage I think that I'll get a hot chocolate into me and get myself off to bed. Sleeping time now.

G'nite.

Day #19 - I thought you said that...

...normal service has resumed...

Again, I must apologise. I would liked to have posted yesterday but again stuff got so full-on that I wasn't at home and finished until nearly 22:00 and didn't get to eat properly until nearly midnight. I was looking at a shed yesterday and imagined having it myself. It would be good to do the work I need to on my van by myself. I love welding - I'm quite good at it though a bit old school. It is impossible to weld without good preparation and the correct materials and I suppose that that goes for all elemental and craft things. It was the scientist, philosopher, printer and polymath Benjamin Franklin that said; "He who fails to prepare must prepare to fail" or something close to it. I brought that quote to the fore to provide some insight into welding - or, making a roast dinner for example, but the importance of it pervades many, many areas of human activity - virtually all. One couldn't expect positive results turning up for work unshaven and just wearing a tshirt and shorts - assuming that you didn't work in a surf shop. Just as important is the preparation for exams.

I have decided to try and get one of my essays out of the way next week. It is on the theme of forgiveness. I have plenty to say about it but the thing about academia is that they want you to say it in a certain way. I hope that I can get it done. There was a time I wanted a first class degree but at this stage I would be happy to accept anything that passed - although ANY kind of honours would be nice.

Tomorrow, Monday, is Memorial Day in the United States. I wanted to offer my dedications to all that have served and have known those that have. Most of all to the families of the fallen. There are many families out there that have lost members of the armed forces - most recently Drummer Rigby in London. Out of his element and on the streets in London this was clearly a planned attack. I hope that the perpetraitors [sic] get sent to the maddest shithole of a prison available. It is at times like this that I wonder about the appeal of capital punishment. That said, though justice might be served it could be misdirected. THEN you have the enormous cost to the taxpayer of keeping the killers in captivity. This may seem pretty extreme but how about just keeping the killers drugged up for the duration of their sentence. No TV, phone calls, pump in the food via tubes, reverse the process for waste. Hose them down every few days. Is THAT worse than killing? Maybe, but then I suppose that is the philosophy hatted guy talking. "What if..." can be a great starting point in philosophy and especially ethics.

Petty crime can still be very hurtful to the victims. The sense of violation can cause lasting damage. It is here that I fully support the use of public humiliation. In the past the "stocks" or pillory was an effective way of dealing with criminals and given that people seem obsessed by all of these competitive shows on TV, "Idol" etc... along with the Gerry Springer style shows of all kinds then our collective voyeurism could be catered for. The internet would be a good place to watch such stuff.

I am a bit angry that someone who was never a real friend (though would go to great lengths to "prove" that he was) and yet may still claim to be - unless he's the other guy I suspect and he's just a sad-ass prick, decided to hack my facebook page. It was grim what was stuck on my profile but the trouble is that the guy I think did it does not possess the courage to man up and present himself and his OBVIOUS problem. A pathological desire to be liked and admired combined with an insecurity that seems to force him to ingratiate himself to others. I do not really think it is guy #2. The rhetoric and techniques used by the prime suspect are consistent with behaviour patterns that I have witnessed over a number of years. It strikes me as quite odd that this individual seeks to cultivate this nonsense but then he is a bit of an odd chap. A pretender that is just sad and, sadly, quite lonely. A think that the term 'cognitive dissonance' would explain quite a bit about his world view.


Like you reader, I have not been unaware that my blog rhetoric has been a lot about folks being assholes and that, may in turn, imply paranoia. There is no paranoia here, I can guarantee it. The quote that springs to mind is from William S. Burroughs; "A paranoid is he who is in possession of all of the facts". I am not in possession of all of the facts, at least not quite but I am in possession of logical indicators and profiling 'flags'. I may ultimately be wrong or mistaken but I will continue to try to divine the truth and when I have what I need then I will decide upon my next move.

I am pleased to say that my Mother has arrived home after spending a couple of weeks in a nursing home for respite care following a stroke. I think that the "luxury" of the nursing home spoilt her a little but then I think that to be pampered is a good thing. For many decades my Mother had to put up with a lot of crap - mainly from "other people", I think that it is good that she is finally getting some quality R+R. Hopefully when we are back on the road I can bring her to some nice places and watch her enjoy herself. I cannot add years to her life but I can try to add life to her years. Hopefully we are going to watch a movie later after "Sunday Dinner" prepared by yours truly.

Day #17 - What happened?

Well, I should have written this every day this week but, like it has been for a while, I have been getting very sidetracked. I have been lucky enough to have a loan of a van for a week and it has been great. There isn't really a downside apart from having had so much to do I have been looking at the blogger dashboard and saying to myself; "Ah sure, I'll tackle it in the morning..." etc. etc...

Life is quick and when you are busy it seems to go faster. I feel a bit miffed though as I have managed to get very little done in the overall scheme of things. Unanswered emails, places to go and stuff to do. It all piles up. I have been aware that I have been a bit tardy with the blog but I will try and manage my time better and not be up looking at datasheets for some electronic thing until after 3:00am. Better to stick to the plan.

With an elevated mood, one can get very hyper about getting so much done. The fact of the matter is that with that "artificial cliff face" it can cultivate despondency. It doesn't help that the keyboard on my old computer is getting a bit tired.

Tomorrow, I am pleased to say that my Mother will be coming home after a couple of weeks of respite care. I still haven't transformed the house to the extent that I wanted but I am getting there slowly.

I think that the importance of blogging is good for the plan as it helps establish a routine and can then, as a result, motivate to a greater extent to get stuff done.

I met two "friends" last night - let's call them Dick and Ratso - their veneer of sincerity was so thin that you could read a book through it. It is something that many years of person - to - person interaction can help you with. I have a grade "A" bullshit detector and man, these guys had the needle going into the red. I tought about it a lot and I realised that  THEY are the idiots with the problem. John Lennon wrote; "They hate you if you're clever, and they despise a fool!" - I'm inclined to agree.

I was slightly pissed off by the amount of energy that they seemed to invest in "being nice" it was only this afternoon that I was given some sound advice by someone that I didn't expect it from. This particular man used to be a pretty wild chap. He was actually totally bonkers and had a superb track record in that area. He knocked the booze on the head about five years back and he told me that after five years his life is utterly transformed. He reassured me about begrudgery and explained that the reason that so few people that are not living to their full potential take out their feelings of inadequacy and resentment on those that are making an effort is that is what THEY would like to be able to do. Instead of climbing they pull others down to create some kind of perverse equilibrium. Their own insecurities fuel this. It may sound obvious but it is also quite sad. I feel sorry for Ratso and how he depends upon Dick for props but the saddest of them all is Dick because he truly lives up to his name in spite of himself.

There are also those that play games - and I have mentioned this before - to cultivate trust and then piss all over your back when it is turned. The desire to be "seen" to be good natured and friendly by others whilst persuing their own hateful agenda is a bit evil.

Simple analysis of language can offer many insights, like as Orwell described; "...the overelaborate embellishments of the unskilled liar". Whether we choose to embrace or ignore the assholes of the world is up to us. The sure thing is that if you acquiesce to their nonsense through the uninformed benevolence of your own better nature you are essentially, playing into their hands. To quote a great teacher - "Life is too short to take on the unnecessary!" , again I am inclined to agree.

I have done some shopping and have a few other small jobs to do but after that I am going to do an audit on "the plan" and see if I can sharpen things up a bit. Time is ticking and I must make the most of it. Please excuse me dear reader if this hasn't been the most electrifying of posts, but the condensed explanation that I have offered and perhaps, the readers' willingness to sit through the "boring" part  of the movie will make the next bits a bit juicier. Goodness knows I don't want to become that walking contradiction in terms by spending months writing about idiots and how much they can bother someone.  I want to write stuff that makes people smile - myself included. Happy Friday!!!

Day #12 - Easy does it!

Just too tired to blog anything today. I hope to have become more animated after a decent nights' sleep. Sad to hear about Ray Manzarek. He was a unique musical voice that was as much a part of The Doors as any part of The Doors. Possibly one of the most important composers in the contemporary western music canon. Just think of the keyboard intro to "Light Mt Fire" and you can hear it, feel it, and be moved by it. RIP Ray. Sleeping time now - I have to convert food and good thoughts into a positive nights sleep, whilst simultaneously avoiding lying on my left side. G'nite all.

Oh, BTW, Russian dudes - I only know two people in Russia and they may not even be there anymore. I appreciate all the blog views but WTF? Can someone explain to me why there are more hits by a factor of at least 2:1 compared to the next most popular audience for the blog - The United States. I know that I cannot be that popular in Russia or even what it is that I am saying is all that important to anyone. It's not exactly Checkov. Cam someone clue me in? Once again, g'nite all!

Day #11 (slightly late) - Does my bum look big in this?

I was so tried yesterday after all that I did, I just couldn't face the idea of posting anything. Readers may have noticed that there are the odd few typo's here and there along with spaces and other things all being in the equation. I like to get things right so it is annoying when I have to spend a lot of time editing and trying to get the text presentable for the general readership. I blame the keyboard.

Anyway, whatever. Yesterday I was lucky enough to be able to get a loan of a van from a good friend to help me continue work here whilst waiting for my own one to get fixed up. There was a time when I would be happy to crawl under a vehicle to do repairs in any weather but at my age now as well with the gyp shoulder I just cannot. This van is already a great help and stuff isn't taking anywhere near as long as it used to in the past. To put it mildly.

One thing that I have noticed - and again - I MUST insist that there is no misogyny in this - but what is it about the ladies that make them such "unique" drivers? The best woman driver I ever encountered was a Japanese lady living in London - she was the girlfriend of a good friend at the time. She drove a BMW - nothing special - quite an old 5 series. She was able to obey all the rules and worked using the "common sense and good manners" technique that I have described in the past. I remember one night when we had to drive from Notting Hill to Brixton one rainy night, she was so confident and capable that I was blown away by her skill. A long time back I had advanced driver training and she struck me as better than my instructor on that course - this was a guy that had taught at the highest levels - Metropolitain Police included. Here in Ireland it is a different story.

Years ago there was a backlog in applications for the driving test - it numbered almost 15,000!!! In a style typical of Ireland at the time, all of those applicants - and this is only in my town and county - were automatically granted full licences without having to do the test. This was the way that the backlog was cleared. Many of these motorists had never even driven before. The knock on effect was that insurance premiums soared and so did accidents. A great deal of these people are still on the road.

One of the tests in the G.A.T.B. (General Aptitude Test Battery) - a sort of occupational IQ test of Canadian origin but used worldwide - is Spatial Awareness and Reasoning. Have you ever noticed how the Spanish and - to an extent, Italian people - have what might be described in Northwest Europe as poor spatial awareness. Anyone that has tried to negotiate their way through a crowd of tourists from these countries will understand what I mean. They folks just seem to be blissfully unaware of the presence of others. It is just a friendly observation and may well be based on cultural orientation than anything else. I heard a diplomat once describe how French people are disposed towards the habit of being closer to another person when speaking with them. This same character said that at diplomatic meetings that involved the French, folks from the UK, Ireland and especially Scandanavia found themselves being inadvertently "herded" into dense packets because of this behavioural phenomena. The spatial awareness ratio differed from culture to culture according to this chap.

Yesterday when I was driving I took a U-Turn and had to reverse. There was a lady in her car behind me - I had seen her but she thought that I had not. As I was reversing I was shocked at the fact that she sounded her horn more than just for a moment of warning - this was an angry burst of sound to communicate her worry/fear that I hadn't seen her. I can understand though - it has happened to us all. What I found surprising was that she then followed me very closely for about another two miles and when I "moved out of her way" on a dual carriageway she then sat with her hand firmly on the horn of her car for at least ten seconds before speeding off. I then watched her drive on, I witnessed her break the rules of the road at least three times before she disappeared out of sight. Speeding, changing lanes without indicating, using the wrong lane to negotiate her exit to another road via a roundabout. She was still right though - she had to be - it was her driving after all. 

If one wants to experience something surprising about spatial awareness then they should try the following experiment whilst driving alone - preferably on a narrow road. It doesn't matter if your vehicle is left or right hand drive. All you have to do is extend your free hand across the length of the passenger seat. toward the window. You will instantly become unsettled as if your hand was about to come into contact with the wall or hedge or other vehicles parked. This is impossible of course as you are INSIDE the vehicle but it can create the impression that you are going to touch the wall/hedge/cars outside.

To see a spatial awareness deficit in action try and watch any driver that will swing out to the opposite side of the 90 degree turn that they are going to make. It is usually about a metre or yard but I believe that this sort of behaviour is an ingrained habit that began early on in the drivers' time on the road. My observations of this are usually of women drivers doing it. It could be a false belief that they think that their car is bigger than it actually is. By extension I think that this is where the whole "Does my bum look big in this?" comes from. Ask any driving instructor about what I have described and it is more than likely that they will agree. There's a right way to drive and I really do wish that more folks did it.

On a final note - I went to the hospital today for my x-rays - no permanent damage or breakage thank goodness. I also saw a physiotherapist and she gave me some therapeutic exercises to do. I'm going to do them and hopefully I will be in better condition physically soon. I am happy about this because there is still a lot to get done here at home. Onward and upward!!! Our often maligned health service performed excellently today. More power to them. They are far more underrated than they should be. That's it for now but have a good day folks and to use that quote from the old TV show "Hill Street Blues" - "Let's be careful out there!".

Day #10 - The quality of human nature

It is a funny thing really - people can actually be nice if you are nice to them. I haven't been "forcing" niceness upon people but I think you get out of life what you put in. Now, to some folks that may seem obvious but in the fog of the past few years it is something that I have only occasionally noticed.

I was supposed to be going to the hospital today for an X-Ray on my shoulder, which has been pretty sore nearly all the time after a fall that I had about a month or so ago. I knew that I had done damage but I toughed it out because were I to have been strapped up or put in a cast I would not have been able to have looked after the stuff that I normally do at home. I love being able to take care of stuff for my Mother - she did it for me so it is just natural that I do it for her. The idea of meeting a radiographer that was at the end of their shift and especially after a Friday night here in town, well, it might have been a poor judgement. I have been like this for a month so it might not make too much difference to go on Monday morning. I will. Anyway, I wanted to talk about human nature.

I made my shopping list and set out to town after I fixed a bass guitar. I was handed it with the information that it was "not working". I was expecting to have a fairly big job on. It was an "active" bass - which means that it has battery powered tone circuitry inside the instrument. I set it down and opened it up. The first thing I checked was the internal battery. It was as dead as a dead thing. I replaced the battery and BAM! It worked. While I was inside it I cleaned the pots (controls) and gave it a scrub. The whole thing took less than half an hour. I couldn't really charge for it so I just asked for lunch money from my client and went about my business.

Then I went to the local market to get my constitutional Mattar Paneer from the Hare Krishna guy. There is normally quite a queue but today I just walked right up to the trailer and was served instantly. It was delicious as usual. I then marched off to get the rest of the shopping. Not a queue to be tackled. It was amazing, especially on a Saturday. Not too many rudderless people either. The biggest surprise was when I went to a computer shop to ask about a second hand MacMini. The guy told me that they were a bit thin on the ground as people tended to hang onto them. I also asked if he had a USB extension cable - the guy in the shop just turned and picked one straight out of a pile of cables and as I was reaching into my pocket he said - "That's a gift!"  - I felt so happy I nearly burst into tears at this simple act of generosity. After the disparaging nonsense of earlier in the week - as well as my van failing its' DOE (vehicle roadworthiness test) - this was like some kind of karmic payback. I felt instantly elevated.

The Ladies at the checkouts in the various shops and supermarkets that I visited all seemed to give me genuine smiles. I just kept feeling better and better. I don't know if this is an upshot of the positive vibes that I've been getting but it has to be something along those lines. I am going to make an effort to be nicer to others because it really IS worth it. NOT in a mercenary sense.

I know of an individual that seems to work hard at that and it doesn't require phenomenal powers of observation to tell that they are doing it in a self righteous and self serving way. It amazes me that others are taken in by it but I have seen the reality and even experienced it from time to time and I can only wonder what it is/was that has made this person that way. This same character plays people off against eachother but in a very subtle and passive way - perhaps to cultivate the impression that they are sincere. They are actually only lying to themselves - as well as others. It must be sort of lonely. It certainly is sad and largely unpleasant.

I was married once upon a time and my ex-wife (Japanese) used to have unique approach to speaking English. She used to have a saying "What is wrong be nice" - I used to translate this in my head as "What is wrong? Be nice!" but it is only in the years that have passed since we parted that I finally understood that what she was really saying was "What is wrong with being nice?". I felt so ashamed and pissed off with myself when I came to that realisation but it is only in the wake of it, and today more than ever, that I realise what a beautiful heart and soul that she had. My self absorbed nature and mania completely pushed that off my radar. I regret my ignorance so very much now. I hope that can one day I could meet her again and explain how sorry I am. I don't want to re-establish the relationship but I wouldn't mind letting her know that now I am a bit closer to understanding what she meant. I wish I was fluent in Japanese so I could get my point across with accuracy and attendant good nature. I have get my French back up to scratch first before learning another language and before THAT, I have a mission to complete.

My thoughts today are that I have wasted a lot of time being ignorant to the feelings of those that were genuine and invested FAR too much time in attending to the whims and fancies of the ignorant themselves. I think that everybody knows some ignorant asswipes and I don't think that many or even any will change. It is the greed for the endorsement of others and to be seen as "someone special" that has blinded them to the fact that by actually forgetting the "self" the could - inadvertently perhaps - end up becoming better people. None of us though are immune to human failings.  I think that the recent rise of the importance of mindfulness is indicative of this. Folks - some at least - are cottoning on to the fact that being an asshole is no way to live a life. That said they will shield themselves in the armour of self-righteousness and carry on without any REAL care for others whilst maintaining the self delusional fantasy that they are "good people". They may carry all the "hallmarks" of good but under it all there is a self serving agenda at work. That is sad I think and perhaps these people should be given a wide berth, if only to give them the breathing space to sort themselves out - should they ever come to the realisation that maybe the fake shit is just that - fake.

Perhaps that is what Jean Paul Sartre was driving at when he described the existentialist dilemma; "Hell is other people". I've been to a few weddings in my life and I have heard, more than once, an individual or group of folks dissing others only to offer them pleasantries or a drink in the next breath they make after meeting them - however accidently or by design. They are trying to keep their guard up - be in two (or more) moral positions at the same time. That is self delusional in my book. Orwell might have been hinting at it in the concept of "Doublethink" that he describes in his magnum opus "Nineteen eighty four" or is it "1984" - what matter. I hope you can understand what I am on about.

I will close for now dear reader but I will post a link to a tune that made a big impression on me when I was just a child. I can still turn it on, on my "mental jukebox" at will. It was whilst writing this post that I thought of it again. It never fails to move me - there may be pathos or sentimentality in there but it has always struck a chord with me. Just to finish I will quote Neil Peart from Canadian band Rush - "...and the things that we fear are weapons to be used against us...". Well, fear not, because it is quite possible Franklin D. Roosevelt may well have hit the nail on the head when he asserted "The only thing we have to fear - is fear itself!"

Day #9 - Business as usual...

I wanted to post earlier but the day ran away with itself. Again, I let it or did I? Do I know? Not really. I cannot even get started to post tonight. It isn't that things are so grim, it's just that I am SO tired. So this is a condensed version of my blog.

I have to get some sleep. G'nite all. It's bound to be what it all is I suppose.

Day # 8 - Let us offer eachother the sign of peace - yeah right!

It was Michael Franti of the Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy that said "Hypocrisy is the Greatest Luxury" (I think) but that is what I am going to rant about tonight. As usual for the past few nights I am late in posting this. It was one BUSY day today and, as usual, it is beginning to seem I am getting the square root of bugger all done. I try and get stuff done but then the time just runs away with me and I am left high and dry trying to get everything "else" finished. I woke quite early and began to make preparations for the day. Thursday is when I write a small column for a local paper. It is just notes on community news - something that my Mother did for ages but since the decline in her health I have taken over. I don't know if it has got some local folks' noses out of joint but something happened tonight that really hurt me.

A neighbour of ours who has been good friends with my Mother for a while - well maybe she has just been pretending - told me that she didn't want to talk to me and was not interested in me. Now whilst I could not care less - I actually couldn't care less - what bothered me was what it is that I am supposed to have done to earn her ire and disapproval. This lady is a devout Catholic - you know; "love thy neighbour as thyself" etc. but yet will not speak with me. Now, I don't actually want to speak with her - I find her to be a gossip and has a very narrow view of the world with opinions on everything - but I did telephone out of courtesy to let her know how her (supposed) friend - MY MOTHER, was doing regarding her recovery from her latest stroke. She wouldn't hear a single word and hung up on me. After telling me that "She did not want to talk to me" and "that she was not interested in me" - I consider her lack of interest in ME to be a PLUS to be completely honest.

Maybe this little scenario can explain it - I refused to accept her son's offer of a great opportunity - AMWAY! Nah, that  just can't be it. Anyone that gets into that MLM or pyramid shit needs to be sectioned. What could it be I wonder? Well, maybe this is it. About two years back or less both my parents were recovering from strokes. There was no respite care available so I arranged - with some help from a friend - to install them in one of the most luxurious hotels in Ireland for ten days so that they could chill out and enjoy some relaxation. Being the gossip that she is, this lady kept asking where my folks were. I explained that I was keeping it on the downsie and that if my Mother wanted to tell her she would find out in due course. After all it was nobody's business except ours and I was respecting my Mother's wishes of privacy. Anyway, after my Mother got back, along with my late Father, this lady wasted no time in trying to extract the information regarding their whereabouts. Like she was entitled to know.  My Mother politely obliged and all seemed well - on the surface. I became aware after a short time that the lady was being very cool and somewhat curt towards me. I had no idea why and pretty soon my curiosity got the better of me and I elected to ask what the problem was. She said it was because I was "telling her lies". WTF? Lies? I wasn't telling her anything. This wasn't the way that she saw it. I tried to explain that I was just following orders from my boss (Mum) and that I wasn't going to disobey them. The lady (I am so tempted to put quotes on that word) took enormous exception to this.

Now, I am not going to waste too much more time on this absurdity but suffice to say that it struck me as somewhat hypocritical of her to start accusing me of lying when I was doing what any dutiful son would - respecting my parents' wishes. They hadn't been on holiday in nearly twenty years and a few days without the usual stuff - and especially that they were recovering from potentially life threatening events - would be good for them. I would have liked to have flown them to the Maldives for two weeks but the hotel was all I could manage. I also considered it expedient, in terms of the relevant distance from the hospital, that they would be proximate should either of them need to get medical attention suddenly. It made nothing but sense to me. Not to the lady - she was affronted because she felt entitled to know. and wasn't getting what she felt entitled to. That is a big problem amongst some folks these days. Now, whilst she may have felt that way, I was doing only as I was asked and to be honest - a break is a break - it's about getting away from all the regular shite that one would normally have to put up with - INCLUDING her ladyship.

I am sorry that she was so affronted but what was I to do? I am not in the business of lying and I certainly never seek to offend women yet I was "guilty" of both "crimes". I wish that the lady would be true to her faith and forgive me - love her neighbour as herself - bear not false witness against thy neighbour -  as her faith dictates. Perhaps though, something granted her leave - in her own head -  her self righteousness - in her own head, to behave as she has. She MUST be right because she "believes" that I am wrong - her faith tells her as much and consequently her argument is unanswerable. Her position, unassailable. Hypocrisy is the greatest luxury. I'm quite tempted to go to mass when she does and wait for when the priest says; "Let Us Offer Eachother The Sign of Peace" - yeah, right. I am sure that that would go down like a lead zeppelin though. Poor lady. I hope that she is ok. But then I expect she HAS to be - she believes it, so it must be so. It must be I that have to be the evil one. Sad really. I wonder if she really believes in the power of love and forgiveness but reserves hatred and resentment for the chosen ones that seek to be as individual as she does and yet objects to that same individuality when it is convenient to do so. Truly it is saddening. I'll try not to think of it too much and get a decent nights' sleep.

Day #7 A cup of coffee and a slice of Pi

The title of this post comes from a line in a song called "1967" by Adrian Belew. It is a beautiful and very optimistic piece of music from one of the most talented guitarists and composers of our age.

Well folks, no lay-in for me this morning. I sprang to life at 6am and found myself totally manic. I was on the verge of panic when I decided to try and relax and make an account of what needed doing during the day. This didn't go too well and I just sat for a while until my mania subsided a little. Sometimes dreams can provoke mania during sleep. I can see by the clock that I am actually into Day #8 at this point but that will be "tomorrow" - as in, after sleeping time.

When the mania kicks in it exacerbates the ADD to a great extent. I do NOT have ADHD, I'm normally quite chilled out but when my mood elevates it is like some kind of turbo boost in the brain. Thoughts zip by at Mach 20 and so many ideas jostle eachother for space in my mind. I can't imagine what it will be like when I get older but right now it is pretty hard work when it kicks in. The other thing about ADD too is that it is a form of "mental incontinence" - as soon as a neuron fires it just shoots straight to my mouth. It can make some folks uncomfortable in conversation I think and probably explains why I don't have much success in relationships. I have plenty of friends but I don't think that they could tolerate me 24/7 - I can barely tolerate myself sometimes but then that is just the low self esteem that comes with the depression. Bipolarity is a funny creature. Never a dull moment - it can be gut wrenchingly hard but it is NEVER dull.

Once I had my breakfast inside me and a decent cup of tea I started on the work for the day. Today it was gathering up the necessary hardware to fix the shower. That went surprisingly well. I had imagined that it was going to take me hours to figure out where the stuff was but once I had eaten the memory returned, unimpeded, and I just went and reached for what I needed. Two minutes. After that I set about making other plans for the day.

One of the things that I find about the internet is that it can be very compelling, especially when ones' mood is up. One can always find something of paramount importance to look for instead of concentrating on the task at hand. One of the first books that I read about ADD when I was diagnosed was called "Driven to Distraction". Here is a link to the wiki entry on the book...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Driven_to_Distraction_%28ADHD%29

I remember when I first started reading it, it was like reading my biography. The enormous upshot of this all was that at last I KNEW that I wasn't stupid or mental - I had a genuine condition that accounted for so much. At school as a teenager we all did IQ tests in my year. I came fourth in the year and yet failed my final exams and had to repeat them. The chap that I mentioned in yesterday's entry came first and numbers #2 and #3 both went on to university. I knew nothing about ADD in those days. My situation was put down to a shoddy upbringing and a bad attitude.

In a way I am glad because now I would most likely have been put on medication or in a "special" school and I am not keen on that idea - back then there would have been no choice in the matter. I am not shy about telling people that I am bipolar or have ADD - I consider them strengths. These things have given me a greater sensitivity as well as a very broad range of interests and I cannot see anything wrong with that. Sometimes it can be inconvenient bursting into tears over some seemingly trivial matter but in general I like things the way they are. If I could change anything it would be the obsessive compulsive aspects of it and the occasional shortness of my temper. There is also the propensity towards self-harm but that is usually when I am VERY stressed, tired and self-medicated (on alcohol - mostly hard liquor)

Last night a friend messaged me and asked if I knew anyone that had a cheap but good electric guitar for sale. As it happens I did. I had advertised it at the college where I am a student for a few weeks a couple of years back but it was exam time and I had no takers so I just put it to one side and forgot about it. Well, fate can bring good things to those that have patience and this old guitar fitted the bill for my friend perfectly. I dropped it off to him this afternoon. It was a bargain price for what it was and he seemed very happy with it. It is for a girl in his band - she is diminutive in stature so the guitar with what is known as a "dinky" body was just what she needed. I am glad that it has gone to a good home. The idea of it being neglected by some cheeto munching dweeb that never washes his hands made me shudder. I look forward to seeing her play it on stage sometime. After the "plan" of course. Just before I left the house there was a knock at the door. It was a UPS man with the Raspberry Pi that I ordered. Three days wait only! Way to go Farnell!!!

Another cool thing that happened today was that I was greeted this morning by an email from a gentleman whose acquaintance I have only recently made. We have exchanged emails most days for the past week and I am really enjoying the correspondence. He is an "old school" radio ham who is only too pleased to share his knowledge and experience with me. This to me is what ham radio should really be about - mutual assistance and enjoyment. This gentleman has that in spades. I look forward to meeting him in person one day.

I went to town to get a bit of shopping and had a cup of tea, met with my friend XL for a chat and progress report on "the plan" and then home for dinner, which I hoovered down. The day flew by. My Mother seems to be doing well and we had had a good chat earlier in the day. I made her laugh and gave her a progress report on the work. She means everything to me. As if that wasn't enough - I got an email from an academic that will play a significant role in helping me with my final year project for college. I hope that I can keep in mind that even when things seem a bit gloomy, I should stay positive because even the greyest clouds blow away at some point and there is a lot of good in the world if we care just enough to look for it.

I write this as I am about to retire for the evening and in spite of the ridiculous non-summer that we are having in Ireland at the moment I feel pretty good and look forward to tomorrow, when I can do more productive work - steadily approaching my goal. Thank you dear reader for taking the time to let me share this with you. I consider it a pleasure. Like writing to a good friend that I may not get to see for a while. Sweet dreams and G'nite :-)

Day #6 - Mud on the wheels...

A few posts back I was lamenting my insomnia. Now, it seems to be swinging the other  way. Way back when I was on some SERIOUS meds I used to eat like a horse. I just couldn't help myself; chocolate, pizza (lots), crisps ("chips" to folks out Stateside), whatever was to hand. I have some pictures of myself from back then and whilst I wasn't exactly fat, I wasn't exactly trim either. I guess it was a hippocampul thing. Instant gratification. A bit like cigarettes. I called it "The Goldfish Effect". I would just keep munching until I got the urge for more and then just head back out to the kitchen and grab some more. For the past couple of days it's been like that. I'm not taking any meds but my appetite has gone ballistic. I need to rein that one in I think. It's just too easy to let it get out of control.

During the past few days I have been thinking more and more about radio. By that I mean Amateur or "Ham" radio. I was really into it as a kid but the whole process of getting a licence was a prolonged and arduous affair. In order to become licenced, one had to do an exam to display basic proficiency in radio theory and also to demonstrate an understanding of the regulations governing having a licence to operate. Back in those days too, if you wanted to use the frequencies that enabled worldwide communications you had to do a morse code test that would prove proficiency in morse at a speed of 12 words per minute. I didn't do that in spite of best intentions. I'm working on that one now but it is taking more effort than I imagined. In all, from applying to do the test, getting confirmation of the application, getting a date scheduled, doing the test, getting the results, applying for the licence, and then getting the licence, took almost seven years. By then I was well into motorcycles, girls and rock n'roll. I still messed with electronics but it was not radio stuff really. I had more or less lost interest by then in the whole radio thing. Something positive happened though after I applied for the test. I ended up meeting someone who has become a lifelong friend. We went to the same school, though we were not in the same class we were in the same year.

He was widely regarded as being the cleverest guy in the school. He wasn't actually snobbish but he didn't really hang out with the kids from the lower level classes in our year. In fact a lot of the guys in my class didn't have a lot of time for me either. I was a geek with ADD, rubbish at sports and lived in a  really nasty part of the town. I was sort of looked down upon. This was late 1970's Ireland and I was a "blow in" (immigrant) and worse than that I had come from the UK, which qualified me as a "Tan" (as in "Black and Tan" - the notorious British forces deployed in Ireland during the 1920's). None too popular. It took quite a few years before I began to fit in, even just a bit. Anyway, back to my friend.

He was famed for having a REAL scientific calculator and knowing how to use it. He also had, I was to later discover, a REAL computer at home - A Sharp MZ80K. I was very impressed by this. I had no such toys - just a pile of dismantled radios, electronic junk salvaged from the scrap metal company and a CB radio. This was around 1981 and CB was a big deal back then. Anyway, I had applied for my Experimenter's Licence Examination in 1979 and really could have made use of a scientific calculator come the fateful day. I watched the post for ages after I had applied and I was expecting the call for the exam any day - it took over 18 months for a response. I suppose because things radio related were strictly controlled in those days, mainly because of the "troubles" and paramilitary violence.

One day I plucked up the courage to approach him in the school yard and ask him if he could loan me the thing for an exam. I was sort of terrified of being brushed off. He asked in a sort of condescending way; "What kind of exam are YOU doing?!?" I explained that I was about to sit the State exam for a Radio Experimenters Licence (that is what they were called back in those day - they have since adopted the "Amateur" term). He seemed genuinely impressed - I think I offered him my bicycle as collateral; it was a "custom" Triumph Twenty with chopper handlebars and an "instrument panel" featuring a speedometer from a Yamaha YB50 motorcycle and two switches controlling front and rear lights. I made it myself. It had a full-on paint job and was admired by most of the lads in my school. I say most because it was vandalised in the yard a few times. I eventually got rid of the "instrument panel". He declined the "collateral" and began to ask me a lot about radio whilst maintaining a general aloofness. He said that he would be prepared to offer me the calculator on the strict proviso that if ANYTHING happened to it, I had to buy him another. At the time those things cost a weeks wages but I resolved to take EXTRA good care of it. He said I was welcome to collect it from his house. I imagined that he lived in one of the more affluent areas of the town but as it turns out we both lived on one of the grimiest estates in the town and he was approximately 2 minutes walk from my place. I had moved there from the aforementioned place but it was still pretty grim. Running the gauntlet from the kids of the travelling community that lived just over the hill.

We became friendly and have remained good friends ever since. The exam in those days was held at the local General Post Office and was invigilated by a state examiner. I looked so young and with my foreign name the invigilator thought I was a girl!!! I sternly retorted that I was male and that I had "considerable experience in radio theory" - total BS really but I was used to people being condescending toward me. This little kid with a home counties accent and acres of "front". Anyway, to cut a long story short I completed the 3 hour exam in just over an hour. It took a while for the results to come through - 2 years!!! But I did pass. The worst of it was that because of the delay in getting my results most folks didn't believe I even did the exam. I did have my appointment letter though and that was proof enough for me.

To this day I have been very close to the chap that loaned me that calculator and last year he finally decided to get into radio - I think that it was SDR (Software Defined Radio) that swung it - he is a big time computer programmer/information systems architect and I expect it was this aspect of it all that he found interesting - I don't really know. He is based in the US these days having moved there some time back.

Anyway, he studied and did the Technician class exam, within a few weeks he took his General and is now helping his local scout troop with the kids getting their radio badges. We also share a passion for motorcycles (and guitar) and as young men rode all over Ireland having fun. We stay in contact quite a lot, though only through email at the moment. Regular contact via radio is still waiting to commence. I should work on that I think.

Today wasn't such a bad one. But, as usual the day has flown by. I think it could be time to start managing my time better, provided I can prise myself off the mattress at a reasonable hour. I always get afraid of sleeping too early in case I wake too early. Maybe tonight I'll try and get an early night and hope that I don't wake at 4am unable to get back to sleep.

Just as a final note, I am pleased that this blog seems to be gathering more views. I am getting traffic from all over Europe, Russia (?), quite a lot in the US, Australia too but Ireland seems to be ahead of the pack. It is good to have friends - though there are some folks that claim to be so and yet they are not. Sad really, I would have thought that they would have better things to do. Not to worry, those are the kind of people that I don't need in my life. They are just waiting for me to screw up I think and THEN come over all sympathetic - like they actually give a shit. Twats. But to all the good folks out there; thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it. Lots.

Day #5 - There's never enough time to do it all but...

Most folks could do with managing their time better but in these early days of the plan being executed it is difficult for me to be THAT organised time wise. I am delighted to say that my sleeping has improved a great deal though, maybe improved a bit too much. I slept another 9 hours straight last night. No dreams that I can really remember but still some feint images come to mind. I can understand, at least to a degree, why Freud attached great importance to dreams but I am more concerned for now anyway, about the REAL reality of "waking life". I mentioned in an earlier post about that piece of paper that I found that had written on it; "A Waking Life". Apparently it is a film. It must have been given to me because I needed to watch it, according to someone. I may well do. The film is produced using the "rotoscope" technique, which basically involves augmenting live footage with an animated style overlay. The same thing that was used in the later production "A Scanner Darkly". I have to admit that I enjoyed that movie quite a bit. Sometimes I feel like that guy in the opening sequence; seized by the itch. That is improving but only gradually.

It was a pretty good day to a large extent but time was just running through my fingers like sand. It made me more than a little anxious as I am without transport at the moment and I have an ingrained habit of marching when I walk. I cannot really stroll, it strikes me as a waste of time. The downside of all of this frantic walking, well, not really frantic, I'd say purposefully is a better description, is that I am getting all manner of pains in my right hip. I guess it's all part of getting old. So many years spent standing up at an old job I had. My ankles are pretty gnarly too. Not to worry - when I think of it I am glad to be alive and getting stuff done.

I cannot claim that today was a very productive day BUT I did get a fair bit done. I managed to eat a decent breakfast, do a few chores around the house, take care of some small bits of business in town - including returning that camera. Redeemed a pledge at the pawn shop; one down - six to go, and then to the University where I am a student, to get myself a decent meal. It was a bit disappointing today but nonetheless - filling. I like cooking but for pure convenience it worked fine. It was after that I went to see some of the lecturers I needed to. I haven't really been on campus a lot this academic year. My Mother hasn't been too well so I am sort of the full-time carer. Not that I mind - I like being able to do her meals and take care of other stuff like taking her to the doctor or shopping or accompany her on HER business. She is, after all my Commander in Chief and I love her more than all the radios, cats, guitars and curries in the whole world.

One of the enjoyable parts of the day was meeting with my final year project supervisor. He is a good sort. I made it a priority upon return from my suspension (5 years!!! - I may well cover THAT debacle at some point in the future - subject to permissions) to communicate to all of the academic staff that I was in contact with that I had some mental health issues. This particular Gentleman is not what I would describe as sympathetic - something I care little for - he was more like; "Fine, so what? You're fine to me!" - I liked him instantly. I was a little concerned that I was interrupting his work but, as usual, he had time for me and, as usual, we ended up talking for a while and, as usual, about a whole smorgasbord of different stuff. It was good. Intelligent conversation always stimulates my mind

I came out of our impromptu meeting feeling positive and optimistic. Maybe I'll get through this college business after all. We discussed the new ideas I had for a final year project. It is possible that I may be able to get this thing "in the bag". Part of my enthusiasm to get the degree out of the way is to have my Mother present for my conferring. She has made so many sacrifices over the years for both my Brother and I that I really want to do this for her. I want to look down from the podium, in my gown, degree in hand and watch her smiling. Nothing could make me happier I reckon.

I walked off campus imagining the taste of a nice cold beer but that is some months away dear reader, there are a few other things to be taken care of first. I went into town to get some parts that I needed for a guitar repair from the local music store and then started thinking about a thing called the Raspberry Pi. If you've not heard of it, it's a small barebones computer of very modest power. Though feature laden it sells for an unbelievably low price. I've wanted one since they arrived on the market. It has all the bells and whistles that I am likely to need. When I say barebones, I MEAN barebones. To the average person it looks like some component of an electronic "machine" but it's all there. It was developed by an educational foundation in the UK. The people behind its' development saw the need for a simple computer to help young people learn about REAL computing and not just the usual fayre of spreadsheets and text editors. It was certainly needed and is a commendable enterprise. You can read about it here...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raspberry_Pi

Anyway, I went and ordered one tonight online. I can scarcely afford it but I reckon with what I've saved during the last week from staying out of the pub, self-medicating myself in a way that will only profit Diageo "the game was worth the candle" to use another archaic term. I guess I'm getting older all the time, like the rest of us. All in all, a pretty good day.

Day #4 - Seized by the itch...

Yesterday was turning out like it did, before I even realised it was happening. I heard a story once about a bipolar chap whose wife always knew he had a spell of mania coming on when he would get out of the car with a pile of "stuff" that he had bought - all not really needed but that is how it can go. Stephen Fry - himself bipolar - stated once in something that I saw on TV, that he ended up buying two or more iPads when they arrived on the market, "just in case" - or something like that. I didn't go mad but I did buy a small camera second hand thinking that it was going to be the best bargain ever. It turns out I actually paid over the odds. I'll get my money back though so it is cool. Often when one is elevated it gets like that. I used to be like that with books. Once I swapped a guitar for a wind generator to be used for a boat. I don't have a boat. It was just one of those things that you can end up doing when you are manic or elevated. I've had to re-learn my lesson.

Things got off to a late start yesterday - again - I went to town to get some shopping but the worst of it was all of the people that seemed to be either staring into a shop window or at their phones. I don't think I walked straight in any particular direction for more than a metre - that's just over a yard to non-metric folks. It was winding me up by the second. I tried to stay positive and I think that the combination of that and the density of crowds - along with the weather just wound me up. I didn't go spend crazy but the camera was symptomatic of how it can get.

The other thing is "senior moments" - we all get sidetracked and there is no better sidetracker than ADD but I was pouring cereal into my teacup, went into the next room to get "something" only to find I had forgotten what it was and when I did remember it was in a different room entirely. This sort of thing is a bit alarming but it could well be alcohol withdrawl. I am still working on making it better. Eating pretty well and trying to keep my mind occupied with productive stuff.

The other crazy thing that is happening is the crazy itching that I get on my back during the evenings. I don't know what it is but hopefully it will subside further - it has  been getting better but it is still a bit confusing.

So. Anything positive to say? I guess that I am reasonably pleased with my efforts so far. I cannot seem to get my discipline in order when it comes to Morse though - it would be great to be doing it in a class or with others - at least that way one would be able to guage ones' own progress. I'll try to get back on it later today for 15 minutes. I'll tell anyone though, it is HARD. The other good thing that happened was that I picked up a guitar to repair for a friend. It is reassuring when someone trusts you like that. I will do my best to make it as good as possible. It's only a cheap one but it IS a Strat so it will get all the love I can give it.

In spite of the crap weather here today I intend to go for a sit on the beach later - after dinner. Try and clear my head which feels as thick as a whale sandwich*.

Right ho folks, the water is hot and the dishes need washing. See ye later.

* Stolen from "Blackadder".

Day #3 - I feel a bit normal today...

With many thanks for this post title from the amazing Chris Butler, a good friend and quite an inspiration. His site is to be found here...

http://www.futurefossilmusic.com/

Anyway, there I was last night after getting back from town and sitting down to eat one of my more indulgent foods - pizza. I got a text from my friend XL and we decided to hook up for some socialising and what would have normally been, for me anyway, drinks. I was happy to see my friends but found myself strangely out of sorts with a glass of OJ in my hand. I felt hyper-aware in the club environment and slightly uncomfortable with what seemed to be a milieu of people pissed out of their minds. In the end I went home early for a marathon session of "That Mitchell and Webb Look" which thankfully has been put up on Netflix. I really do enjoy those guys' comedy, best thing since "The Fast Show" imho.

I woke late having retired late but felt good that I managed to make it home ok. The crazy thing was all the people that were drunk in my travels. I live in a college town and yes, there are a lot of students, and yes, many are finishing their exams around now but I could only imagine the puke festival that was probably already in full swing around the town.

When I got home I disarmed the alarms and organised the place a bit. I made myself a rock shandy and was walking back into the living room when I noticed a piece of paper on the ground. It must've fallen from a pocket at some point. Written on it were the words; "A Waking Life". I felt quite buoyed by this event. It is only the most recent of many.

Just over a month ago (31-3-13 to be exact) I was sitting in my chair with a glass of cider beside me. This next bit is going to be hard to believe but make of it what you will. So, I'm sitting there chilling out and then just casually looked at the time on my phone - 13:13 hrs and at the very next moment when the clock turned 13:14 the glass just exploded on the table. Cider and broken glass everywhere. The strange thing was that I didn't seem in the least bit surprised. Not at all.

A couple of days later, sitting in the same chair a small drop of cider fell to the floor as I drank. A tiny drop only. THIS is going to be even harder to believe. So then this small spider crawls out from under the heater and positions himself right in front of me just at the drop of cider. I was a bit taken aback by this but the spider stayed totally still, even when I tapped my foot. I was amazed and quickly went to get my camera which, thank goodness, was not too far beyond arms reach. You can see the results below. Schpoooky!!!

After about five minutes off went the little guy and that was the last I saw of him/her. These things or micro events are presenting themselves more and more frequently. I haven't had stuff like this happen in 20+ years. It's all a bit odd but I don't feel so freaked by it all. I don't KNOW what it means but I can feel it means something. I think that I ought to start doing yoga or something. I feel a bit normal today.

One step forward, two steps back...

Maybe it's not that bad but it IS bloody annoying. I was quite convinced that today was going to be a good one and, for all I know, it may well still turn out to be so. I practiced guitar for a bit and wrote a little but was totally unaware of what was sneaking up behind me. Yup, Le Dog. It is something that happens when you become elated or too optimistic. It sort of reminds me of the character "Billy" in the film adaptation of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" - he gets laid, feels loved, regains his confidence and then suddenly Nurse Ratchet takes him right down with a threat to tell his mother of the events that transpired during the previous few hours. If you saw or see the film you'll know what happens next.

Things aren't like that with me today but it is funny that all it takes to smash ones' confidence to bits is just a small admonition regarding a trivial matter. Lots of folks that I know believe that it is just a matter of letting it wash over you or "Don't pay them any mind!" but they don't actually realise that the whole bipolar thing is SENSITIVITY. Nothing less than that.

I left the house earlier to go and get a few bits of business taken care of and I knew that it was going to be a busy afternoon. I managed to get quite a bit done but going up town on a Friday afternoon is always going to be about avoiding rudderless pedestrians glued to the screens of their phones "living life on the go" or some such. The amount of people that just seemed to get in the way was stultifying. Nobody seemed to be going in any one direction, at least nobody that I was walking behind. There is a large bookstore in my hometown and whatever it is about the place it is nigh on impossible to actually move more than 2 metres in any given direction without obstruction. I bought my paper and got out of there.

Drivers are as bad. I am "off the road" at the moment, my main form of transport, a Honda Cub 90 motorcycle was badly vandalised a month or so ago. I used to see drivers - the majority or them women (sorry ladies) texting - perhaps it is belief in the cliche that women are better at multi-tasking that has convinced the ladies they can do this dangerous thing with total confidence and complete impartiality. The guys are as guilty though I am sure. Perhaps it's a cognitive bias on my part. It certainly isn't misogyny. You don't need to be so eagle eyed to spot it. Why else would people be staring into their crotch whilst guiding a ton of metal and plastic along a road? The technology exists to put an end to that sort of thing but I have yet to see it implemented. I nearly got ran down twice today as I travelled about on foot and each time it was by some texting motorist. Bloody annoying. I've even seen police doing it but maybe that is a security matter. It's still not right minded though.

Yes folks, I'm pissed off at this point but lunch was the answer. I went to one of the better class eateries in town for lunch and it was really good. Really good indeed. Then off to the bank - what a nightmare - nearly half an hour to lodge a cheque. The same cheque was drawn on an account in the same branch so I was assured that the funds would be in my account by close of business. They weren't. Not to worry, go to the deli and grab a sandwich for later, I should have had the foresight to realise that it would be another slog through a sea of rudderless people. My ankles are killing me, and I don't wear high heels.

Once all that was done I decided to go for a quiet walk and become calmer. Another bad idea. The best one of all was to head home, from where, dear reader, I am writing this now (OK, ok, TYPING). On the way back I was very tempted to go for a few pints but that isn't part of my plan. My plan is to stick to the plan, if that makes any sense. I think some further Morse practice might be in order. Whateverrr.

Day #2 - Onward into the blog!

I never thought that I would be able to say that I overslept again but last night, crikey. Ten hours straight, along with some interesting dreams. I used to have the radio on all night to be able to get a decent kip but stopped it a while back. I will hopefully be able to keep that up.

I am feeling pretty elated today - always a danger sign with Bipolar Disorder, the inevitable "black dog" usually follows but if I keep my momentum up I'll be ok. I started practicing Morse Code again and it actually went "ok" and not the disaster that I thought it would be. I got a few different programs for the computer and Android phone. Here are some links if anyone wants to try them.The first is for Windows...

http://www.justlearnmorsecode.com/

And this chap Wolfgang has a bundle of cool stuff for the Android...

http://www.wolphi.com/

I would encourage anyone to get into radio - it is one of my favourite things and like you may have heard; "pictures are always better on the radio!" Anyway, enough of that for now.

The good night's sleep has thoroughly energized me - I ate a massive bowl of museli and yoghurt and had a decent cup of tea. I am ready to take on anything the day throws at me but as I have said, I must be careful. "Two swallows maketh a summer not" as the old saying goes. I am going to dash now dear reader as time is marching on (too many old adages today methinks!) and I need to suck the marrow out of the bones of the day. I hope that you have a good one too. To quote Prince; "Raise your hands for positivity y'all!"

Laters.

Still Day #1...

I must have walked about ten miles today. It was good to be out and about. I feel mildly absent minded today but I DID get a fair bit done. It is still early in the opening of the game but I have a few things planned for the next few days. I certainly want to start eating better - I cannot stand subsisting on processed foods; another bad habit that I got into during the past couple of years. I got some decent food for later so hopefully I can start as I mean to go on.

The weather here today has been very odd - misty and sunny by turns with a pretty strong wind; predominately from the North. I don't know if I can do it but I'm going to try and erect a wire antenna this evening. Nothing fancy just a bit of wire to drag in some signals. I miss listening to the radio - REAL radio that is. That will be resolved in the next few days I hope. I would urge anyone that has even the mildest predilection to anything geeky to check out the wonderful world of ham radio - it's great fun.

My Mother is in hospital at the moment recovering from her FIFTH stroke. Most folks are lucky to survive just one but my Ma is a tough old stick and I think that she is doing good. I managed to make her laugh a lot which is always a great pleasure for me. I want her to enjoy a few days in the sun. Maybe this year we'll get a good summer. Goodness knows it has been a while since we had one.

Right ho! Off to put in 15 minutes Morse Code practice.

Day #1 or hour zero, whatever, as you please.

Well, here it is. Ages since I wrote anything here but I have a new mission and intend to see it through to completion. My main aims are to blog each day during the next 101 days. I picked 101 as a number mainly because of the Orwellian connection (...room 101) and all the horrors that need to be overcome. In order to grease the wheels on my somewhat rusty chariot I have resolved not to have any beer, wine or hard liquor for that period of time.

I don't know what the coming months will bring but I hope it will be positive. My aims for this period of time are to...

• Tidy the house and get as much renovation done as I can.
• Actually learn Morse Code properly and get to at least 15 wpm.
• Finish my degree course - three essays and two exams.
• Get a workshop happening again so I can set up my tools and test gear.
• Get my bikes back on the road.
• Clear my pile of unread books.
• Try and go for a decent walk every day.

I don't know if I've set the bar a bit too high but it isn't such a big deal though I guess on day #1 that is an easy thing to say. I'm going to close for now but hopefully this blog - and the fact that I am " advertising" this mission online - will cultivate an ongoing impetus to succeed. That is all I want to do. I guess now is the time to open fire!!!