If you're so tough etc...

The very thing that impedes me is me. The cycle runs thus; I wake and with a pretty reliably fixed set of tasks to perform upon rising I find that stuff has altered and my expectations, however reasonable, have not been met. Like an idiot I succumb to rage via infantile indignance. I rage and rant and then after deciding that I must be punished I sit. And wallow. Shortly after an hour or so of that and pure self hatred, owing to my feelings of inadequacy to deal with the situation, I become a bit more calm in my disappointment. Nonetheless, time is wasted and I was the one that frittered it away on uselessness.

The best part of the day is upon rising. If we can cultivate pure positivity AT THAT TIME we may end up getting a great day out of it. That is what yesterday was like, really good. A lot got done and it was real productive stuff. Attended to business in the morning, started a blog, had a top breakfast, studied and wrote and played a bit of guitar in the evening. It was pretty good. Today is not so fizzy. Better try and get some fizz into the rest of it early on in the game. I so want this to be done.

The awfulness of depression is that it cuts right to the stuff that brings you there. When you're in it, you're in it. I dislike being at the hands of this thing when it gets in. I so want this to be done. I love my cat too. It's just a matter of steering through it but to be honest, time is the enemy, along with an enormous propensity for distractions and all the wonder/blunder that they possess.

If you're so tough, what are you going to do about it?

OK, here it is. Come in and sit down and you can get a gist of it all and then maybe if you like it you'll read again later (tomorrow?) or if  not you can go and do something else. Well, today is Bastille Day - in France, "Fete Nationale". To me the day symbolizes a new beginning and hopefully it is one. I have chosen today to be the first day of my campaign to finish all of the outstanding work for my degree. Naturally enough during the coming weeks I will be keeping my eyes peeled for employment opportunities but also (hopefully) greasing the wheels for the next leg of the journey that will commence after this one has ended.

A huge part of the difficulties that I have experienced in college are down to a combination of Bipolar Disorder and ADD (non-hyperactive). These two conditions have been very challenging during my studies. Imagine twelve different radios all tuned to different stations each vying for that bit of your attention. None of these radios are playing anything that is of any use in the enterprise but still they play and I have to try and ignore them and focus on the job at hand. Thankfully the absence of the main student body during the summer months is an enormous help but what isn't helpful is all of the "other" life stuff that I want to be doing right now. I hope that this organised approach to overcoming my objective will make "victory" - in whatever form it takes - all the more enjoyable if I actually manage to secure it.

In about an hour or so I am going to head into my study space and try and get some stuff done. My current task is to write 2,500 words on Jacques Derrida's account of forgivness. I have been reading quite a bit on Derrida and forgiveness but if you are not familiar with him - he is a difficult geezer to get your head around. He seems to occupy both sides of the fence and as a result, and for the sake of my mental health and clarity I have elected to make his prevarications on forgiveness the target of my opening salvos. I am going to try to deconstruct the deconstructionist. Hopefully, Hannah Arendt will be of some assistance, along with my main man, Socrates - though I may leave the ancients alone on this one - they have done enough for me for now.

OK, here we go!!!