Day #175 - Too long off the bridge...

 
I cannot believe that it is almost three weeks since I posted. I suppose it could have been called a funk or something. For many days I arrived at some fertile post title and was immediately flooded by ideas but then, as is so often the case; POOF!  Gone. Smashed like a billiard ball out of the path of the "right thing" by a bombardment of "new" information. The first book about ADD that I looked at following my diagnosis was called "Driven To Distraction" by Hallowell and Ratey...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Driven_to_Distraction_%28ADHD%29

"New" information is the term I use to refer to any stimulus that distracts from the desired object of focus. When I first started reading about some of those with ADD it was like reading a biography of myself in some cases. The desire to seek out high-stimulation situations and environments as well as the total willingness to "throw caution to the wind" whilst simultaneously KNOWING that this wasn't really quite right. It always seemed to me that I knew but only afterwards or long before, never at the time in question. That often lead to what can only be described as stupid behaviour. One of the things that I recognise in the condition is the whole being guided as it were, by the constant bombardment of new and interesting "things". Whilst ADD has to a great extent enabled me to learn about many different things it has been a curse when it comes to staying focused. There are times though during which it is possible to hyperfocus. You can get completely immersed in whatever it is you are doing and usually make a great job of it. IF one can keep that momentum going then  it can be great. There is then of course, the looming difficulty in the whole "getting too high" thing that I have covered previously Once mania steps in the inevitable crash makes it tedious. One can also become very laissez faire about whatever it is they become in engaged in too, confident that all will be well but in actual fact the waters are rising around you quietly. Sometimes it is good to know when stupidity is getting an upper hand.

I chose the title of this post to describe a Master or Commander of a vessel, absent from the bridge and thus their true responsibilities. I don't want to lend too much gravity to it but even writing a blog like this is a responsibility to myself and I ought be doing more. I chose the title to describe the laxness on that front but also the "fog" that one can find themselves in difficult waters. It can help to be able to see better.

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For the past couple of weeks (months?) I have been trying to get my van sorted out with all of the necessary documents for roadworthiness. The cost of the mandatory test is €111.16 with a retest fee of €43.58 - the retest to be taken within 21 days. I have spent a bunch of money on this van and it is just gobbling it up. The thing failed the test last week after I had new tyres fitted and had some brake hoses replaced. There are a few things that will cost more money to put right after the test revealed the need for a number of pretty expensive parts that will be time consuming to fit. There is no doubt that having the van is great and being able to move around is VERY useful but the expense so far has been punishing in terms of the "hidden extras".

I don't really have that much more to report for now only to apologise for the protracted absence to those that read regularly. Welcome too to all of those reading in new parts of the world. Like I have written more than a few times, I will try harder to write more often. It just gets a bit foggy sometimes when there is so much that needs to be done.

Day #156 - And furthermore...

After I awoke this morning and cleared the end of the dreams from my mind I waited for just a moment to get my bearings before I went to wash and get the breakfast ready. Whilst I sat and was getting ready to get started. I was reminded of my previous post from yesterday "Day #155". I thought about what I really wanted to describe but being tired and not being able to find the correct words to help an idea develop I decided to think some more.

We are all instinctively equipped to know when something is a little out of the ordinary. This skill is something that we developed many thousands of years ago and was something that as a human race we all became dependent upon in order to ensure our own survival. I am sure that anyone reading this has experienced a feeling of something that "wasn't quite right" or a feeling of apprehension that was based on something that they "felt". I am not suggesting that this is some kind of "sixth sense" - though I do hold that we "experience" a lot that cannot attributed directly to sight, sound etc.

This feeling and the way it guides us can be described as "intuition", "instinct", "experience" or even "luck" and frequently is described as such. Further to this as a person moves through life and they "develop" this feeling or skill they may be able to enjoy greater success in life and also possibly in society (if that is what they are after). We have all experienced that feeling of intense confidence that can come with being equipped with the knowledge, a priori, that we ARE going to win and that there is no other outcome. To be sage enough to be able to accept defeat should it arrive or not may well determine the outcome of further "development" of our success.

So, to return briefly to mental illness. I genuinely believe that if someone that doesn't know you is presented with the information that you have "mental problems", you are more than likely to be treated differently than you would were you presented as having just won a literary award or medal for some achievement. Beyond that you have "famous" people. I have met plenty of them and I can guarantee that they are just human and in many cases a bit odd, like ANY human I suppose. I have seen (especially young women) completely lose control in the presence of their idol. This idol is just an ordinary bag of flesh and bones but the key difference in popular perception between the idol and the ordinary "man on the street" is the manner and way in which they have been presented to the public and the media. The "wrapper" in which they find themselves.

We are often given "wrappers" by other people. Someone that has achieved something in life may wish to keep it private ("leaving it in the box"?) Or, they may decide to present this new "information" or "intelligence" in a certain way; to many or few, with grandiosity or humility, with self-effacement or arrogance. Regardless of whichever "wrapper" that they decide to put the information into it must be remembered that the way a person reacts to the other all depends on the "wrapper" and also the way in which the "wrapper" is "sold" to you. For example...

Imagine that you are at a party and you are being introduced to a number of "new" people by some friend. At a distance your "friend" gives you some bio information about the person you are about to be introduced to. The way that you will view this new person is entirely dependent on the information you have been given (in the form of the bio) and the way that it is presented to you. This is what I call the "wrapper".  You are much more likely to be amenable to a prize-winning author than a violent and deceptive deviant. This is nothing more than common sense. Of course it would be the acme of foolishness to get too cosy with a proven criminal. What if however that the inverse were true. That your friend doing the introductions "got their wires crossed" and mixed the people up - this all being based on how that person was "sold" to them at some earlier point. This might go some way to explaining the phrase, "Mud sticks!"

For years I knew a woman who just sneeered at me and gave me dirty looks every time I saw her. I was a bit non-plussed by this AND confused because I hadn't the faintest idea in the world who she was. EVERY single time that I saw her there would just be this obvious frowning scowl. One day, I guess it was really just curiosity but I walked up to her and asked straight out. She immediately "went into one" and started cursing and berating me. I noticed though that she was accusing me of stuff that happened whilst I wasn't even in the country . It turns out that she thought that I was another person entirely, someone that had a slightly similar name to mine. This simple case of mistaken identity (probably based on jumping to conclusions more than anything else) lead to months of pure hatred from this woman towards me. It also meant that were I to have been described by the woman to anyone that didn't know me THEIR impression would have been completely coloured by the way in which I was presented to them and the ideas that they developed subsequently.

This is an area in which a lobster can excel at dragging down another. The more experienced lobster can just present a small bit of false information - delivered with "sincerity" and also mild ambiguity - and THEN let the "story" take on a life of its' own. Sparsely distributed disinformation may take a little time to gather momentum but momentum it shall gather and a great deal. With this then one might be able to end up occupying a whole new position in the hearts and minds of others all because of either a case of mistaken identity but as is often the matter these days - lobsterism.

I would advise anyone reading this to look up "Kim's Game" (Game of the Jewels) on wikipedia or some such and learn about something that would be of great assistance in helping to develop a sharp memory and efficient recall (especially in the young).

Thank you dear reader, have a good day and productive week. be happy and remember that ultimately we can determine what "wrapper" we are put into.

 

Day #155 - Four Non Blogs

I tried recently to really get a grip on more consistent posting and on four occasions I wrote and ranted and then just abandoned the posts. Although the most popular blog entries are the ones that are in some way "sensational" I don't really want to get too bombastic with the "adventure stories" just yet. There is quite a bit that I want to write but I guess that you must be "in the form" for it. I am not currently "in the form". One thing that I do want to write about though is mental illness. I want to describe it in VERY broad terms as it would be wrong and slightly irresponsible to start proffering opinions in a focused way. I have no idea what it is like to be a cat or a teapot so I cannot venture to say. I will recommend a good essay on such matters and that is one called "What is it Like to be a Bat?" by Thomas Nagel. The full essay can be found at the link below...

http://rintintin.colorado.edu/~vancecd/phil1000/Nagel.pdf

It is a good read and can possibly be of use in developing perspectives on consciousness. 

It was Frank Zappa (I think) that said..."if you meet someone that has a cold or a sneeze or a broken leg you feel sorry for them but if they are developing a mental health condition then; THEY'RE CRAZY!!!" 

If I meet someone before they get any idea that there are some mental health issues they seem fine when they don't know. But when I may meet with them AFTER they know there is usually a marked difference in their behaviour between the "before" person and the "after" person. The "overcompensation" that one collides with at times is truly palpable in most cases. In their efforts to appear more relaxed and at ease it is easy to see that some folks are really just not at ALL comfortable. I have become very candid about describing my health issues as I find it better that folks get to know early on if they are likely to be spending any time around you. There are degrees of severity with any condition but I am pleased to say that I am pretty sure that there are no microphones hidden in the wall, under the beds, cameras in the library, I really AM Lady Gaga etc. MY difficulty is that I may drop into a deep depression at anytime or other times I may be euphoric and full of enthusiasm. I find it helps for others that IF they are aware you may burst into tears at any moment then you yourself are much less likely to so if not burdened by the anxiety that goes with being afraid of doing so. Many years ago being Bipolar was all about getting sedated but these days treatments such as cognitive behavioural therapy, counselling, a good diet and plenty of exercise are widely considered to be very beneficial. Some medicines too have transformed the life of the person with the condition. There are "before" and "after" scenarios in there too.

Stress can be the big problem. It can "grease the wheels" for the onset of a down. Anxiety leads to a poor appetite and desire to punish oneself. This thinking will exacerbate any looming depression and thus the cycle commences. It is the ability to identify this situation early on in the scheme of things that can be of real help in staying in good form. Sometimes though it just arrives and there is very little that one can do to avoid it, so, it is as well to steer through. I would also urge anyone that there is no shame in trying to talk to someone either. Last week I was very glad that I had a couple of people to talk to. Anyone that suffers from bipolar KNOWS that it can be hard to stretch out a bit and try to interact but if we can try, at least then we are on the way to getting out of the funk. It is also true that most bipolar people know that when you are in it - you're in it.

There are sometimes more difficult obstacles to be overcome. Imagine, for example, that your own self-esteem had been eroded to the point that you felt the situation is hopeless. This is obviously not a nice place to be in and the best thing to do at that point is to try to remember that you have been there before and that it DOES get better. Easy to say, hard to hear, but well worth listening to.

To all that consider themselves "apart" from those with the mental equivalent of a light sneeze (or a broken leg) I would ask them to carefully reconsider that not all people are "nuts" - they just need some sincerity and hopefully respect. I have seen it and it can bring out the best in people of all kinds and on either end too. If your new acquaintance upon receiving such good manners still considers themselves Batman or Captain Nemo well then probably best to give them a little space.

Sometimes a person may shout out to themselves seemingly. Sometimes someone will think that they are twenty times their own weight and terribly ugly. Sometimes someone may seem to have just too much energy or does not appear to be able to listen. Sometimes someone might just cry for no apparent reason. Nobody sets out to be like that but sometimes it just cannot be avoided.