Day #7 A cup of coffee and a slice of Pi

The title of this post comes from a line in a song called "1967" by Adrian Belew. It is a beautiful and very optimistic piece of music from one of the most talented guitarists and composers of our age.

Well folks, no lay-in for me this morning. I sprang to life at 6am and found myself totally manic. I was on the verge of panic when I decided to try and relax and make an account of what needed doing during the day. This didn't go too well and I just sat for a while until my mania subsided a little. Sometimes dreams can provoke mania during sleep. I can see by the clock that I am actually into Day #8 at this point but that will be "tomorrow" - as in, after sleeping time.

When the mania kicks in it exacerbates the ADD to a great extent. I do NOT have ADHD, I'm normally quite chilled out but when my mood elevates it is like some kind of turbo boost in the brain. Thoughts zip by at Mach 20 and so many ideas jostle eachother for space in my mind. I can't imagine what it will be like when I get older but right now it is pretty hard work when it kicks in. The other thing about ADD too is that it is a form of "mental incontinence" - as soon as a neuron fires it just shoots straight to my mouth. It can make some folks uncomfortable in conversation I think and probably explains why I don't have much success in relationships. I have plenty of friends but I don't think that they could tolerate me 24/7 - I can barely tolerate myself sometimes but then that is just the low self esteem that comes with the depression. Bipolarity is a funny creature. Never a dull moment - it can be gut wrenchingly hard but it is NEVER dull.

Once I had my breakfast inside me and a decent cup of tea I started on the work for the day. Today it was gathering up the necessary hardware to fix the shower. That went surprisingly well. I had imagined that it was going to take me hours to figure out where the stuff was but once I had eaten the memory returned, unimpeded, and I just went and reached for what I needed. Two minutes. After that I set about making other plans for the day.

One of the things that I find about the internet is that it can be very compelling, especially when ones' mood is up. One can always find something of paramount importance to look for instead of concentrating on the task at hand. One of the first books that I read about ADD when I was diagnosed was called "Driven to Distraction". Here is a link to the wiki entry on the book...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Driven_to_Distraction_%28ADHD%29

I remember when I first started reading it, it was like reading my biography. The enormous upshot of this all was that at last I KNEW that I wasn't stupid or mental - I had a genuine condition that accounted for so much. At school as a teenager we all did IQ tests in my year. I came fourth in the year and yet failed my final exams and had to repeat them. The chap that I mentioned in yesterday's entry came first and numbers #2 and #3 both went on to university. I knew nothing about ADD in those days. My situation was put down to a shoddy upbringing and a bad attitude.

In a way I am glad because now I would most likely have been put on medication or in a "special" school and I am not keen on that idea - back then there would have been no choice in the matter. I am not shy about telling people that I am bipolar or have ADD - I consider them strengths. These things have given me a greater sensitivity as well as a very broad range of interests and I cannot see anything wrong with that. Sometimes it can be inconvenient bursting into tears over some seemingly trivial matter but in general I like things the way they are. If I could change anything it would be the obsessive compulsive aspects of it and the occasional shortness of my temper. There is also the propensity towards self-harm but that is usually when I am VERY stressed, tired and self-medicated (on alcohol - mostly hard liquor)

Last night a friend messaged me and asked if I knew anyone that had a cheap but good electric guitar for sale. As it happens I did. I had advertised it at the college where I am a student for a few weeks a couple of years back but it was exam time and I had no takers so I just put it to one side and forgot about it. Well, fate can bring good things to those that have patience and this old guitar fitted the bill for my friend perfectly. I dropped it off to him this afternoon. It was a bargain price for what it was and he seemed very happy with it. It is for a girl in his band - she is diminutive in stature so the guitar with what is known as a "dinky" body was just what she needed. I am glad that it has gone to a good home. The idea of it being neglected by some cheeto munching dweeb that never washes his hands made me shudder. I look forward to seeing her play it on stage sometime. After the "plan" of course. Just before I left the house there was a knock at the door. It was a UPS man with the Raspberry Pi that I ordered. Three days wait only! Way to go Farnell!!!

Another cool thing that happened today was that I was greeted this morning by an email from a gentleman whose acquaintance I have only recently made. We have exchanged emails most days for the past week and I am really enjoying the correspondence. He is an "old school" radio ham who is only too pleased to share his knowledge and experience with me. This to me is what ham radio should really be about - mutual assistance and enjoyment. This gentleman has that in spades. I look forward to meeting him in person one day.

I went to town to get a bit of shopping and had a cup of tea, met with my friend XL for a chat and progress report on "the plan" and then home for dinner, which I hoovered down. The day flew by. My Mother seems to be doing well and we had had a good chat earlier in the day. I made her laugh and gave her a progress report on the work. She means everything to me. As if that wasn't enough - I got an email from an academic that will play a significant role in helping me with my final year project for college. I hope that I can keep in mind that even when things seem a bit gloomy, I should stay positive because even the greyest clouds blow away at some point and there is a lot of good in the world if we care just enough to look for it.

I write this as I am about to retire for the evening and in spite of the ridiculous non-summer that we are having in Ireland at the moment I feel pretty good and look forward to tomorrow, when I can do more productive work - steadily approaching my goal. Thank you dear reader for taking the time to let me share this with you. I consider it a pleasure. Like writing to a good friend that I may not get to see for a while. Sweet dreams and G'nite :-)