Day #22 - Fear of getting too high

I never used to be afraid of heights. I used to like to climb trees, buildings, antenna masts whatever. Now I get a bit jittery with them. The thing could well be the fact that I am getting older but I would be more inclined to extrapolate that to include the awareness of my own mortality. You may have heard the expression;  "There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole". I can understand and appreciate the thinking and experience that led to such an assertion. I posted a while back that "fear is never boring" - that comes from a tune written by a chap called Rob Fetters from a band called The Bears (Adrian Belew plays with them). I can fully concur with that statement.

When I first started reading about ADD following my diagnosis, one of the things that stood out as a common behaviour amongst sufferers (can anyone think of a more gentle term? I think that ADD is pretty good) was the need to seek out high stimulus environments and situations.

I cannot start to list all of the high stimulus things that I have sought out in my life but I will say that getting close to the edge always had an appeal to me. I have always tried to ensure that I was safe though if I heard the words "don't try this at home!", well then that is what I wanted to do. It may not be unconnected to ADD and depression.

The other thing that I wanted to share was about what I refer to as "lobsters". Don't misunderstand me here - I like the fact that REAL lobsters exist but the term I use as lobster refers to those that seek to cultivate misery in others so that they can see them in pain. It is a sort of bullying but very passive - they try to get ahead by bringing others down. It is a bit sick and sad. The worst of it is that these individuals like to prey on those that are easy targets - it is just instinctive to them but at a very base level. That is illustrative of how "civilised" and "developed" these people are. Not a true warrior among them.

During my first time in the psychiatric ward of our local hospital, after my first breakdown, I met a young lady that suffered from anorexia. I was amazed to see her there I asked; "What are you doing here?" she replied that it was because of anorexia and added; "Isn't it obvious?" I was really surprised because I had never thought that anorexics were classed as folks with a psychiatric issue. During the next few days we talked more and more and then she revealed to me what had happened and how it had happened. She could trace it to the day and hour. To preserve her privacy I will not go into further detail but I will say that she became deeply hurt by a remark made about her "weight" when she was a pre-teen.

I can remember things that happened to me - the date, the place and person. I KNOW that these things were the same as the "are" things that I carry around even today. They residually gnaw at my confidence sometimes. Some lobsters that can be close to you will get to know these "weak spots" and target them. They may congratulate themselves on their hunter prowess but they are little better than fecal matter.

Then you have the blunderers - these are the folks that tend to talk without thinking first and are insensitive to others feelings. Some of the blunderers don't realise that they are being insensitive and whilst it is difficult to blame them, I think that the ones that are so self absorbed that they haven't even the time to consider the feelings of others need to be helped to be made aware. IF they are dismissive of the concept or so bigoted that they will not even consider themselves as candidates for being insensitive then they are best avoided. Some of these folks are self righteous to the point of psychopathy.

There is another technique that is used by the "passive" lobster - they will "muddy the waters" around you with hurtful stories that are distributed in a "fake" conspiratorial way. Gaining the confidence of their "agent" or "tool" in order to cast their net a little wider, so to speak. The "agent" or "tool" may be of the mistaken impression that they have a close friend in the lobster but the only thing the lobster is interested in - apart from themselves (and to be seen as a nice guy and "sound" by others, THAT is usually very important to them) - is to hurt their quarry. The "agent" or "tool" is an unwitting accomplice. A lobster by proxy if you like.

One particular chap I know claimed to have heard from another unspecified individual that I was guilty of "X" ("X" being something totally unspeakable) - total bullshit but illustrative of a shit-stirring lobster in action. When I asked who he had heard it from he claimed to not remember. He practically expectorated the utterance in a VERY reflexive manner and thus delineated his fabrication of this fantasy. He displayed a "tell". Guilty. To quote a good friend, a REAL warrior; "May God grant him a speedy exit!". It is all about the "he said, she said" bullshit to this particular chap. Just thinking of them makes me feel a sort of pity. This short description is about "muddying the waters" - unfortunately that sort of behaviour can get the victim into a lot of trouble. The innocent can be burdened with something that will stay with them for their entire lives. I know because I have seen people turn their impression of me in just a matter of hours. Shit sticks. THIS is something that is not lost on the more "skilled" lobster - I use the term loosely. I cannot see any REAL skill in being a bad person. It is FAR from virtuous.

Have a good day. It is nice to be nice.