Day # 20 - The Power to Believe

I remember once I was out camping with some friends and I was preparing some firewood for the evening cookout. I had an entrenching tool and was with an ex-friend doing the work on the timber - it was an old pallet for transporting stuff. My ex-friend was holding the pallet and I drew back the tool to strike a crack in the wood that would facilitate the splitting of the timber. As I drew back and was about to strike the ex-friend said; "You'll never hit that!" - I didn't. What was it that made him right? Was his "input" subconsciously obliging me to not to "make a liar" of him? Did that same input undermine my confidence? One can really get into tail chasing when it comes to things like this. That is what philosophy can do to your mind. It isn't, as many of moderately low intellect assert, intellectualising things. It is different to that. It is the power of enquiry in action. Possibly the same sort of thing that drives scientific investigation. I cannot be certain but it IS a far cry from simple "mental masturbation".

When I was a kid I remember caddying for some players at the local golf club. I learned a lot about golf that short time that I caddy'd. Never stand behind a player when he is about to play. The same goes for anyone that is engaged in something that requires total concentration. One of the massive advantages of ADD is that in a high pressure situation it is possible to do what I call "hyper-focus". One can get into that zone when the pressure is high. Like the song goes; "Fear is Never Boring". The results of hyperfocus can be remarkable but it isn't always possible to turn it on, on command. I wish it was but it isn't. It is also possible too, to "drop the ball" when you let your inner voice take the side of that which distracts - fear of screwing up can make you screw up. With Morse code practice I am usually fine until I start thinking about what it is that I am doing. Sometimes the knowledge that someone is there waiting for you to screw up is the worst of all. BUT, is it subconscious obligation? Submissiveness? Involuntary obsequiousness? I don't know but I do know that it is a topic that I would like to think about further.

Today was an interesting one - upon rising I started up my computer and got straight stuck into a Morse practice session. I was appalled to score <20% accuracy. It was only after a few hours that I could get my score back up to 90%+ accuracy. I guess that could be something that I should be mindful of. I think that my mind is usually racing first thing in the morning and owing to the floods of thoughts permeating my awareness, I tend to get very easily distracted.

Last night I was thinking about a friend that I hadn't seen in a while - about half an hour later, he sends me an email. Earlier today I was thinking about a plastic backed notebook for a portable ops logbook for radio. I visited my friend XL and he had one which he gave me as a gift. I am becoming quite firm in the belief that if you want something and you are clear in your mind that it is necessary then it will come. I am equally convinced that the same can be said for malintent but the interesting thing is that with being malintentional one can end up getting some kind of karmic feedback and usually not always that pleasant. It does happen.

I brought my Mother into town today for her first trip out since her discharge from respite care. We had a great day. I was astonished by how many people that she knew. It seemed that everywhere we went we were stopping to say hello to someone - I enjoyed it. The upside for me was that I got to spend some fun and quality time with my Mother. We went to our favourite restaurant in town for lunch but there was no way that she could climb the stairs - that was ok by me. My Mother is a lover of the venerable BLT (bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich) and always gets the chef at our preferred eatery to do it exactly as she wants it. Upon learning that we would not be eating at our fave place I resolved to gather the necessary ingredients to make the "Ninja BLT" - my Mother was not disappointed with the results. That made me quite happy.

Yesterday I quit smoking. I was going to wait until June 6th but as the saying goes there's no time like the present. I think that it was getting to the point that at a pack a day I was asking for it health wise - I have decided to use the saved cash to put towards the radio of my dreams. I have tried to quit before several times but I inevitably ended up back on them. I am more determined now. Perhaps within a few months I will have enough saved to buy such a thing. I had one before and loved it but during a manic episode I sold it for literally pennies and then staggered off drunk to spend the night in a luxury hotel. I felt pretty stupid when I woke up. You can do some really dumb stuff when elevated. I don't even want to think of all the dumb stuff that I did whilst high as a younger man. I will write it all down one day if I live long enough and can remember all of the details I could write but maybe I can save it all as a movie to be re-run over many evenings in my dotage. "Once a man - twice a child" it has been said, well, to paraphrase Pete Townshend: "I hope I get old before I go young !"

I think that the knowledge that there are those that would like nothing more than to see me screw up is what is fuelling me to keep going with my efforts. I've even had those that try to offer a false kind of encouragement that borders on the obsequious - though far more sinister - mildly reminiscent of some milquetoast attempting to ingratiate themselves towards you but with a knife in their back pocket. They give me even greater strength. In fact I feel a sort of moral obligation to "polish the mirror" for such individuals - maybe give them a glimpse of the kind of character they really are. As guitarist Robert Fripp has said; "life is too short to take on the unnecessary." I am not interested in the unnecessary.