A Question of tolerance

 

Hello all,

I am currently intolerant of an individual that is now that has, thankfully, just left my surroundings. We are, all of us - well, at least some are compelled to speak or offer some kind of sensory feedback but an individual that feels a need to vocalise every thought that enters their head can give someone a headache. No wonder there appears to be a shortage of aspirin in some Irish chemists. That is all I have to say whilst I contemplate the next 24 hours. Hopefully we will have a good summer.

A Desire to resume positive action.

 

It is time to resume a regular blog. I shall make it so. Es muss sein!

The Persistence of Time and D'interwebz

 How ye, if there is a ye. This is more of a test than anything else. Have a good day.

Is there time?

Hello, the title of this post is one that I will have to revisit. Lots has happened and I hope to write about it - at least some for my next entry which I hope to do over the weekend. IF you are someone that has followed this in the past I am grateful that you are reading this now. I do want to write regularly again but time has been the enemy for the last few months and I cannot believe that it is August and late August at that. Hopefully I will be on it again very soon with some adventures and derring-do to relate. My computer life has been odd too so that is a partial explanation for my tardiness with the blog. With any luck I am getting 'back on the horse', so to speak. Be well, excellent to all and have a great day. L8R's chums!

Tempus Fugit

Hello,

If you have read this blog in the past I am glad to be able to post again. THREE AND A HALF YEARS!!!! I stopped posting back in 2014 owing to a few personal problems and a greater level of responsibilities at home. I also was "warned" by an individual in a quite colourful way to halt the blog (in a roundabout sort of way). I have no desire to interact with this person and to be honest I felt a bit intimidated by them. What can I say, I'm a sensitive kind of guy.

I felt like I was being hassled or bullied to some extent. Backing off on the blog was a bad idea really but what really came home to me is that fear and apprehension are just the things a true bully thrives on. I am not backing off on something as ordinary as a personal blog just because of intimidating behaviour. Life is far too short to curtail an enjoyable pastime that has, in the past, been a great help for me. I have never set out to offend anyone whilst writing my blog and if someone gets offended then all I can put it down to is cognitive dissonance.

During the past three and a half years so much stuff has happened. My own health isn't what it was and my dear Mother has had more than her fair share of health problems. She is steering through it all though and I am pleased to say that she is in good spirits. We have had a few other difficulties from external sources but hopefully all of that is coming good.

This is just a quick post to say Hi! and that I intend to post with a greater frequency than has been the case for the past while. It is good to be back to share with folks, some of them may well be friends that I haven't met yet. Be well and happy and I will be back again soon.

Keep it Country! :-)

Friends

During the past few years, in fact, I would say, heading towards 15 years I have suffered a rise in my depression (if that isn't a contradiction in terms!) The severity of it all is enhanced to a great extent by violence. I am not a violent person but I am sensitive to it inasmuch as I don't like to see it, hear it, feel it, hear about it, anything really. Almost 15 years ago I was attacked and beaten by two people that were just up for a ruck and they gave me a pretty good hiding. It was a completely unprovoked random attack but it left me feeling pretty awful. It was subsequent to that that I had a nervous breakdown of sorts. Since then I have been treated for depression and other nervous illness that may have been related to events from much earlier in my life but also including adulthood.

The old saying "Friends come and friends go" is true of course but you live and learn about people, as well as yourself, and times and places change. Since the rise of "social networking" websites there have been many opportunities to rekindle old friendships and also make new ones. Some sites make it possible to become a "friend" of a total stranger. I am no exception - we are living in a digital age and I have what I would call genuine friends that I have never met. We came into contact owing to shared interests. We have exchanged numerous messages via email and other kings of messaging and even made gifts of things to eachother. I enjoy communicating with them.

In the days before "social networking" sites became popular there were BBS's, these were interesting owing to the fact that much of the activity took place locally and it was not uncommon for BBS users to meet up face to face. Once the internet became as ubiquitous as the telephone (for many) evolved various things such as "chat rooms", "fan forums" (of all kinds) became commonplace. These have to a large extent been superceded by what is commonly referred to today as "social networking" websites. I have already pointed out some advantages and useful features to such sites, there are of course downsides.

In the insulated security (such as it is) of one's computer world online we reveal much about ourselves unintentionally. Phone technology has developed to the point where our movements are recorded. Online we display our likes, dislikes, opinions, views - a complete profile really. This data is then used in turn to custom build advertisements for us. It is also used in other ways, notably for security reasons. It all goes with the territory. Terms and conditions apply, as they say.

The title of this post is about "friends", real and online. Many of us feel that everything is fine and that all is well but it has been my experience that some "friends" are not that. I have had "friend" requests on a popular social networking site  from some folks that I don't even know. Other times some folks that I DO know have requested me but these are people that cannot even say hello on the street. A**holes! Their motivation is far from friendly. I can do without them. If you can do without similarly inclined folks then get out the pruning shears!!!

(I started this post quite a while back but I just wrapped it up for now. My rant on that front is over, for now).

Only Fools Rush In

The post title is thematic but also to serve as a caution or warning to anyone that moves in haste without weighing up a situation and thus, having evaluated the variables and potential outcome(s), can be more confident of a satisfactory outcome. I have said before that "many a foolish move was made in haste" - I think it is attributed to Shakespeare, but I cannot be sure. To quote B.B. King though; "Never make your move too soon". There are many proverbs that offer similar advice; "Don't be so quick to judge", "marry in haste, repent at leisure" etc. etc. Another proverb that springs to mind is the one that says; "A foolish man speaks all his mind". I believe this to be true. Very true. This blog will say something or other but not all of my mind. I don't wish to be foolish. There is an old Chinese saying that states; "Drops of water will in time wear away a stone, but a rainstorm will leave it unchanged". To anyone with common sense, this is obvious.

Throughout history there have been predictions that "the end is nigh". This has never been so true as today though, somewhat paradoxically, one could have made the same utterance a century ago or less and it would have sounded just as relevant. Since the rise of the internet during the past twenty or so years there is more information available about many different things. The variety of subjects is as diverse as human knowledge itself and the internet - as a means of disseminating knowledge - has turned many people into "experts" (I use the term very loosely). There is no doubt that it has helped educate people and hopefully it will continue to do so but INFORMATION, be it accurate or not, can cause problems. In the first instance it can enable a person or persons of a certain mindset to "do" things. There are two sides to the coin; are these good or bad things? Then, in the second instance, will that information (the inaccurate kind) help or hinder a person? Returning to the coin metaphor; will a life be saved or not owing to the use of the information? This is another big question in the field of ethics and moral philosophy - look up "The Trolley Problem"...

Worldwide, security agencies and others in social sciences have - in my mind - perfectly legitimate concerns about the availability of information, both the accurate or inaccurate kind. Some have questioned the liberty of the internet with plausible arguments regarding the restriction of various kinds of information. A radical individual could use certain information to do terrible things. Now, terrible things are being done and have been since the dawn of history but the growing world population, the radicalisation of certain groups of people, nutters acting "in the name of God", perfectly intelligent people also acting "in the name of God" and others have an almost inexhaustible supply of information available. This information is not just the recipe for a good curry or how to knit socks but also how to build machine tools, or mix up various chemicals and... well, you get the idea.

The question of whether it is right to withhold information is a subject of hot debate amongst philosophers, social scientists, peace activists, warmongers et al. I believe that it is important to allow "most" information to be available as it can help humanity as a whole. It is those that seek to manipulate humanity with information - "good" and "bad" - and create an "uber class" (regardless of the political ideology behind them) that have earned my suspicion. In Nazi Germany, book burning happened a great deal in the early years of the regime. Those scientists that did not manage to escape were forced to work against their own personal principals. In Soviet Russia, Lenin expelled or ordered the execution of intellectuals, others that "may" or "may not" have shared his ideals, those considered a threat. There were also the Romanov's. The control of information has been historically a "tool" to further a particular aim. Stalin (along with sending perhaps millions to their death in "social experiments" and the notorious gulags) was said to have kept a copy of Machiavelli's "The Prince" at his bedside.

There are numerous other examples throughout history. In particular, I am also brought to the thought of the destruction (there were several attempts) of the Great Library of Alexandria.

There are perhaps forces at work in the world that see these things as being of good but I believe that they may be misguided in their motivation. It is of the greatest importance to humanity and all else that dwell on the only habitable planet we (as ordinary folk) can be sure of. The desire to "be the rulers", "to act in the name of God", to "make the world a better place" is what may be the main difficulty facing us and our fellow beings. Radical activism can draw its' own share of nutters (regardless of their "good intentions"). Political radicalism can disenfranchise huge numbers of perfectly good, reasonable and morally sound people. In fact the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", springs to mind. The things I describe happen all of the time. One only has to watch/listen to the news and see that not is all as it should be. The REAL issues are conspicuous by their absence. To quote Orwell;

"Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power." (Nineteen Eighty-Four, 1949)

In recent times many have railed against certain large corporations owing to their activities. This is legitimate in many cases but without LED technology, Rocketry, Cavity Magnetrons (in your microwave oven and also the basis of certain types of radar), Optics, all manner of radio technology and electronics etc. etc. Jimi Hendrix might have played a great acoustic guitar but without amplification and electronics he would not have sounded the same at all nor have been able to perform to the large numers of people he ultimately reached - be it via radio or recording technology or playing live. I could add many other players to that list. The entertainment industry today relies almost entirely on technology as well as, obviously, human effort.

To add to that, there would be no hook and loop fasteners, cinema, paint, frozen concentrated orange juice, television, the internet itself, hybridised high strength cannabinoids (with clinically proven medical benefits), certain life sustaining biochemical technologies and millions of other things. All of these things had their origins in nature (obviously) but were developed by the intellectual power of human effort, with persistence, experiment and success (after much failure usually) EVENTUALLY.

The difficulty with the huge corporations is that the powers that control them are motivated by the desire to profit monetarily, and as has been said; "It is the love of money that is the root of all evil". The management of the power of intellectual activity by those that seek profit may well be a big problem as if we all grow poorer (monetarily), AND we will all grow poorer in spirit, and, in turn,  those that seek profit will not profit monetarily UNLESS there is a far more sinister goal; to return huge swathes of humanity to slavery. Slavery was, after all, what built the Great Pyramids of Gizeh (along with some great intellectual power and engineering prowess - at least as far as I know). One must ask oneself; How was this power managed, and to what end or goal? Do those that seek to enslave see their role as a form of destiny? Sanctioned by God? What does this make you think of?

--

Paradoxically in writing what I have above, I may have classified myself as something of a radical but I am not (except perhaps on guitar ;-)). I may even be considered naive or idealistic but I would prefer to consider myself pragmatic and hopefully practical. I aspire to tenacity but also being "real" and by that term I mean more genuine as a human being and certainly more realistic. I also aspire to cultivating a greater quality of what might be referred to as common sense. I would like there to be an end to human suffering, hunger, poverty, deprivation, warfare motivated by profit - I have zero problems with engaging with some "radical" marching towards me with the express intention of killing me. BUT it is INFORMATION that informs my descision making process. AND who or what controls the information as well as the sources from which it is obtained.  The privatisation of news services is a chilling threat to human "development".

In the main though a nice cup of tea, a decent meal, some good art, the sharing of respect and love for each other - the GOOD stuff basically, is what I like. I don't need a €5,000 suit, a €200,000 car, a mansion on the hill (or two or three) or any of that stuff. It is not about being in a competition (in a truly "crush the opposition" approach), it is about doing our best to be better human beings. Love thy neighbour etc. Unfortunately MONEY and the love of it will motivate all but the most stoic individual to do ANYTHING. And I mean ANYTHING. Possibly driven by fear of poverty, vanity to be a "have" rather than a "have not", or vanity to look "good" in front of others. One only has to look at the desire of many of the young to become "rich and famous" rather than a scientist, engineer or artist. A self delusional smokescreen to blind ourselves to our truly inherent and hardwired human nature. A sad and regrettable return to primitive behaviour. A behaviour that still exists amongst the uneducated and those that are deprived of REAL information that potentially could enrich the existence of all living things.

Regrettably we may have been conditioned throughout the ages, to keep the other guy down, win at all costs, look good etc. Have we unwittingly been subject to the distortion of messages of peace by those that seek to control? It is VERY possible. From the deserts of the Persian Gulf to the football fields of the kiddies league this may be happening. Our moral laziness prevents us from being the potentially super beings we KNOW we can be. No matter how much we try to distance ourselves from that knowledge.

This post has been a bit of a rant but I hope it has some clear meaning. I will offer with the words of Mohandas. K. Ghandi...

"The world has enough for every man's need but not every man's greed"

I wish you all of the best dear reader. I hope that my post has not offended. I do not seek to motivate ANYONE to do anything more radical than to ask themselves a few simple questions and be honest with themselves. This post has been a bit of a mish mash but it was done in "one take", it could have done with better structure and editing perhaps but I have tried to express myself clearly. To end with a previous pair of quotations I have posted...

"Love all, trust a few, hurt no one" - William Shakespeare

"It ain't braggin' if you can back it up" - Jaco Pastorius

To end, for now, be careful what you wish for.

California Dreaming

I realise that I haven't posted in a while but I have had a lot of stuff on and I guess I've been letting the depression get the better of me. I had an important job on a few weeks back and I was commended for my work by the principal. I felt very proud but after any high comes a low and I hit it in a big way. During the past few weeks I have experienced levels of depression that would normally only come during a bereavement or loss of a good friend, even a pet. It has been pretty horrible. My memory was shot, I kept making simple mistakes that in critical situations would have been disastrous. This depressed me even more. I guess a lot of men my age begin to get like that and even though I finished work blemish free (almost ;-) I began to succumb to feelings of redundancy and uselessness. 

I like to play guitar and have nearly always played without a pick/plectrum - these days my nails keep breaking but I am going to try and remedy that and get better at restoring my repertoire. Many years ago a VERY accomplished guitarist and great friend I know played me a classical piece called "Leanda" - it is technically very challenging but it was no bother to him. Once he reached the coda (the bit where you "go around again") he launched into "California Dreaming" by the '60's band "The Mamas and the Papas". The contrast made my heart leap and it was without doubt one of the most musically dramatic experiences of my life. I was very inspired but it would be a few years before I started to play myself.

For the past few weeks I have, like I said been feeling very down, worried about the planet and GMO's, the whole militarisation of police forces, "dark science", health for the elderly, mentally ill, disabled etc. This wasn't helped by all of the usual feelings of inadequacy. In turn THIS isn't helped by certain folks that like to spread rumours, "talk" (I have covered this countless times in previous blogs) and spread hatred. By trying to bring you down they artificially make themselves feel better. I know that I was beginning to show cracks in the armour and that was (and still is) to some extent being exploited. Screw 'em - they are just petty assholes. TWO in particular. What is worse is the malignancy of their bullshit and how it has influenced others. During the past year I have lost contact with quite a few old friends and some that I really trusted get visibly uncomfortable in my presence with mildly exaggerated "sincerity" and "friendliness". This is very obvious to a skilled observer.

Yesterday was one of my lowest days ever. I spent a lot of the day crying and wishing I could fix the world. I was terrified that my sleeping would be the usual "an hour here - an hour there" - waking, totally destroyed tired with my IBS going nuts. I cried as I tried to drift off to sleep and that was the last thing I remember, crying.

Then at some point during the night I had a dream. I have never been to California but that is where I think it was. I was with my family including my Grandparents and Great Grandfather (who I never knew). We were staying at a beach lodge where it was full of really nice people including a group of friends that I had never met. They were all pretty happy and healthy people. there was a cook-out and lots of fresh fruit, salads, cold beers - that kind of stuff. The weather was perfect. At some point I wanted to go for a swim but was warned about rip-tides in an area that I wanted to take a dip (even though I used to be a pretty good swimmer). At some point a man in a suit was stuck in the water in a Hummer (very large 4WD used by the military - and some others in the "entertainment" industry) and was beginning to take on water in a big way. He had a briefcase that he needed to take with him. I waded in and with the help of some surfer type random person that I didn't know we pulled the guy and his gear from the vehicle which was promptly dragged into the waves and was swallowed by the sea.

We helped the guy get himself together and bade him goodbye - he had to get back to work or something. During all of this there was a buzz going around about a big party that would be happening that night. All of my new friends were keen that I go as they heard that I liked a good party and played a "pretty cool guitar" (I don't really - I just sound a bit different). So myself and the family along with the new friends end up at another venue - a bit like the first one but this was in what seemed to be a college type neighbourhood. It was very similar, rustic bamboo counters, strong oak tables, lots of great food and plenty of people partying. At some point I was outside demonstrating the power of an engine that I had modified against a similar one that was not modded. My engine beat the ass off the other one and my Great Grandfather told me that he knew that I was right. My challenger was a chap that is currently "absentia ex patria" after doing some bad things and sadly telling a lot of untruths. I cannot be more detailed than that. After I had won our "burn-off", he slunk away, telling me that I was full of it. My Great Grandfather was just smiling at me and told me not to worry - he KNEW I was right.

I then went to look for my Brother who was said to be staying at his apartment to catch up on some sleep. I wanted to tell him about my engine victory. I entered a small mews that had about 6 or 7 small cars - all the same model. Apparently these were used by the students as transport - they were electric hybrids but I suggested that perhaps my engine could be used to replace the inefficient existing plant and optimise the drive to the electric portion of the overall power train. A really beautiful girl looked at me and just said; "Cool!" She was gorgeous. Just my type. Anyway, she told me where my Brother was (or so she thought) and she would take me there. We had to stop at her place as she had some tidying up to do. Her apartment was an amazing little place. I asked how could I get to live in a place like this? She replied that I would have to talk to the admissions officers but she knew I was a smart guy and that my college education should make it no problem (no logistics problems in this dream folks!!!)

Finally we arrived on the steps of an apartment building that had lots of "Tayto" (an Irish brand of potato crisp/chip) wrappers stuffed into a bin. I said that my Brother was real fan of these so we must have the right place. Then she told me she had to go but to stay in touch and keep up the good work on my engine. I remember her smiling as she turned to leave in denim shorts, sandals and a sports vest. Pretty brown eyes and freckles. I started knocking on the door of the apartment and I can hear "yeah, yeah, I'm coming! hang on!" It was then that I woke up.

Upon waking I felt like I had had one of the best nights of sleep of my life. I feel very motivated today. I hope you do too. I am sorry if this post was a bit rushed but I wanted to "cook it whilst it was fresh" so to speak. 

To end the post, some music. This song has been in my head for a few days but I thought it might be nice to post it here.

Thanks for reading folks. Stay cool and tuned in to the blog here. I have a feeling I'll be posting more soon. Have a great day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY0Pg2Gu5uM

Guided By Voices

The post title is not an allusion to paranoid schizophrenia or even the band of the same name but more of a description of what the spoken word can do to others and then, almost virally, even others beyond that. About a week ago I was making tea for my Mother and had just finished preparing it. My Mum likes sugar in her tea and always has whereas I cannot stand it although as a late teen I would take four or five teaspoons per cup. So there I was back in the kitchen preparing my own tea and making some toast. I finished doing that and then was walking to my chair to sit and enjoy my breakfast snack. I took a big gulp of tea and nearly threw up (got sick). What happened? I had put sugar in my own tea! I felt like a bit of an idiot but on reflection realised that I had distracted myself from a task that I have performed thousands of times. I ate my toast and then went and made another cup of tea, this time without sugar. The difference was amazing. It could have been one of the tastiest cups of tea I have ever had. I am beginning - somewhat paradoxically - to distract myself from the point I am trying to make. I theorised over this for a couple of days and apart from just dismissing it as absent mindedness I imagined the idea of auto-attention deficit disorder. This is conceptually a possibility but if anything the experience taught me to try and eat better so as to keep my concentration levels optimal.

I have been thinking a lot about my strategy for the coming summer and have decided not to rush into anything suddenly. Impulsiveness is a trait of those with ADD and Bipolar Disorder. I am sure that most people reading this might have heard the expression, "Many a foolish move was made in haste!" and to be certain I don't want to be foolish in my moves. I think that the impulsiveness can result from being stuck in a low period and then deciding that the best move would be to act quickly to augment the power of the new course of action. This has, as I have often found out, lead to creating situations that create further depression and disappointment which will more often than not put me in the trough of a "low" again.

In certain kinds of personal training it is common for a coach/drill instructor/teacher to create stressful situations for a trainee to test their ability to remain focused on the actual task they are performing without succumbing to the stress stimuli itself. Some variations of this kind of training use some VERY strong stress stimuli. Drawing a parallel with my own day-to-day  life I can say with confidence that stress itself - no matter how trivial - can affect performance, but then everyone knows that right?

--

To return to the post title I wanted to speak about the whole "feathers gathering mud" thing. It is a bit like the childrens' game "Telephone".  I have written about this before but it is surprising that people that don't even know who you are can form very strong and sometimes, very influential ideas about WHO you are and WHAT you are about. Complete falsehoods but owing to the fact that they are delivered with persistence and fuelled by hatred they can become an accepted "truth". This is prevalent in all societies but I think that it is far more common amongst communities that were late to the table with communications technology or where the social divide is far greater. The worst of it is that lies themselves - when blended with just a dash of truth to add credence - can be very powerful things. This fact was not lost on some of the most evil people in history. Josef Goebbles (Hitler's Minister for Information) has been cited as having said that people will believe any lie provided you keep telling it. However my view is that the truth will always prevail.

I may have mentioned in a previous post about a scene in the 2011 film "Unknown" where Bruno Ganz' character 'Ernst Jurgen' says;

"In the Stasi, we had a basic principle: ask enough questions and a man who is lying will eventually change his story. But the man who tells the truth cannot change his, however unlikely his story sounds."

I truly believe this quotation to be quite brilliant, though one must remember that no-one is being interrogated and it does come from a movie. That is all I can write for now dear reader but thanks for 'tuning in'. It will be a little more than a week (though possibly less) before I can post again but I will. I will, because I must.

May your days be happy.

--

Coming around again...

During the past year I have experienced a fairly hectic decline in my mood. I have had a few unpleasant things happen too but I try to look past them. It isn't any help that people that I used to be friendly with now avoid me or "don't see me" which is fine really. I think the thing that pisses me off most of all is the insincerity of it. I would prefer to be on the receiving end of honest opinion or even beyond that; politeness

In the six weeks or so since I last posted I have had WAAAAY more computer problems. I am pretty sure that I am being "sniffed" but I cannot be certain and anyone clever enough to be able to do the sniffing has got enough smarts to be able to stay in the shadows. I am pretty worried about all of this as identity theft is a reality and once someone has access to your online life then they can commit crimes by proxy. I can see this becoming a serious problem in the future that might only be able to be remedied by methods that could well encroach upon our civil liberties.

So, for now I am going to stop typing and ask that you check back in a few days. I intend to start a new 101 day adventure on the first anniversary of my previous one. Wherever you are; be happy, enjoy your days and please check back. I like being able to blog but it helps a great deal to know that my regular readers are still with me.

Best wishes to you all.

Day #295 - Oh Brother!

If you are reading this then you might be wondering what happened during the past couple of months. In a nutshell, I had a couple of episodes which both ended in hospitalisation. I was unhinged by a number of things and I am usually pretty good at keeping myself steady but it was tough. On top of all of this I had to deal with a threat of violence from an individual that would have little scruples about doing as much. In addition to the threats of violence I was warned to stay out of his way. The surprising thing is that this same person has in the past been very friendly but angry at turns. The term "mercurial" springs to mind. We have parted ways but the threat lingers. The person can be quite frightening. They may not realise that they can be like that but they are and that is for me a bit unsettling. Enough of that anyway - onward into the blog.

My absence has been due to the depression. One of the things that I have noticed with the bipolar thing is the way that following any kind of breakdown one can find themselves encumbered by the memories of past failures which in turn can exacerbate the condition. It would be no exaggeration to say that the thing can often feed itself. I was asked a little while back why I stopped blogging and if I planned to post again soon. Well here it is. This same person told me that they really enjoyed reading my posts. I am flattered by that although I remain at something of a loss as to what they find entertaining. Horses for courses though, so if they like it that is good enough for me. In the last entry I posted I was telling the story of a friend that had spent some time in the psychiatric ward of our local hospital during Christmas. The chap that got a screwdriver set. Remember?

He told me that there was never any effort made to part him from his screwdrivers. What he did with them I found pretty funny. At quiet times he would zoom about the ward and start unscrewing tabletops, cupboard doors, pictures etc. He also managed to gain access to an old style notice board with the letters supported on a board filled with holes to accommodate the pegs on the back of the letters. This type of display was quite common in barbershops and some cafes some years ago. Once he managed to get to the letters he set about rearranging the letters to create "new" messages. One of these read; "Welcome to the Nuthouse - we're all mad here!" He told me that whilst a few of the patients noticed the new text, the nursing staff were oblivious to it. Needless to say, those that were "in the know" got a great laugh out of it. 

I remember the very first time that I spent some time "in the unit", as they say, and I was amazed first of all, to meet a couple of people that I knew from my ordinary life. There were a number of respected business people, a policeman (retired), a professional athlete and several academics. This was something of a revelation to me as I had been of the somewhat naieve impression that the other patients would all be "nutters". This is a view that is still widely held amongst many. What changed it for me was PERSPECTIVE. I knew that I wasn't crazy but there was a genuine reason that I was in there obviously. I had a talk with one of the nursing staff and he told me that there was nothing to worry about and that the reason I was where I was, was a legitimate one and that I should use the opportunity to rest. He also told me that there was a reason why such places were formerly known as asylums. He asked me to consider the true meaning of the word asylum and it was at that point it became clear to me that I was where I was for the sake of my safety and that whilst I could leave when I wanted to it was recommended that I stay at least a week and talk to some professionals about my situation. One thing that became clear to me very quickly was that it was very much driven by the "requirement" that I started taking medication. This was the beginning of a pretty rough ride for me and I tried many different kinds during the following year. I just stayed a couple of weeks as an in-patient but for the next year or so I was meeting doctors regularly. I found that to be quite difficult. One of the things that I didn't enjoy was being "processed". I think that the majority of psychiatrists like their patients to fit into a specific category and should the patient fall outside of that classification then they may be construed as awkward or "difficult". In my own private life I have had intimate relationships with a couple of  psychiatrists - LONG before my first visit to the unit or any facility and baack when stuff was pretty "normal" - and I found their own mental health to be slightly away from the norm. In retrospect I can imagine that they may well have been affected to some extent by the things that they have encountered in their own professional lives. I don't think about that too much though as I find that it cultivates feelings of anxiety as well as being completely unnecessary. 

Medication has helped me in the past but I think that the one thing that works better than any medication is a normal and stress free existence. The threats of violence that I described above certainly didn't help me feel better at all. I am glad to be passed all that. The best things for me are good food, plenty of rest, some light exercise, or even full-on physical work and the company of genuinely good people that don't have an agenda or some kind of hidden desire to see you suffer. The lobsters that I have often spoken about are often the ones that can make my mental health deteriorate. And, like I have said in many previous posts, these lobsters take a great deal of pleasure out of that. It is a sort of moral sadism. These people are best avoided.

--

Last Friday night I went out in the evening for the first time in nearly three months. I had a wonderful time and a good laugh. It helped that I was in the company of some people that are genuinely nice. I am very lucky to have the REAL friends that I do. I feel even happier that I enjoy regular correspondence with a fellow radio enthusiast whom I have never met in person. I consider this person to be one of my closest friends. Another thing that I have become aware of is the potential for unpleasantness that social networking websites afford those lobsters that seek to hurt and damage you. I draw a parallel to the "proximity effect" described by Heisenberg. These individuals "play to the gallery" so to speak. Their astonishingly wonderful lives - on the social network - are geared to cultivating the impression that they are wonderful people that lead an existence bordering on the fantastic and that you, as a "friend", can enjoy a part of that. A true friend will be part of the good stuff in your life but the individual that just uses social networking to let everyone know how brilliant everything in their life is going is really just displaying deep insecurity under the veneer of their supposed "fabulousness". To once again quote J.P. Sartre; "Hell is other people".

I will conclude this post with a couple of quotations that I put side by side almost twenty years back. I even printed them up on a sign and put it on the wall of a shared office I worked in briefly. They fit together pretty well.

                   "Love all, trust a few, hurt no one"  - William Shakespeare

                    "It ain't bragging if you can back it up!" - Jaco Pastorius

Until next time dear reader, I will bid you adieu but do stop by again sometime. I hope to post more regularly in future. To be honest, I have missed the enjoyment of putting down a few thoughts about what it is to be....

L8R's

Day #224 - Like a Lamped Rabbit

I don't really know where to begin with this post but I am going to write in the hope that it will be of some cathartic value. Regular readers will know that I have been going through a bit of a rough patch just recently and I am still very much in it. I have wanted to get better for so long but you can never tell when the thing will kick in. This morning after a very restless night I was slightly optimisitic that the day should be tackled head on but I had to summon all of my strength to just get out of bed. I have mentioned self-harm in previous posts but I think that staying in bed gripped with fear can be very harmful in itself. I got up and did some tidying up and made my plans for the day. They would involve more cleaning and getting more organised. I had three large bags of rubbish to be taken out and had to collect some tools from a friends house that I left there last week or maybe longer. Depression can play all manner of dirty games with the memory, simple stuff can be impossible to recall and even simple arithmetic can be hard. So, I go out to my van and get ready to take to the road but the battery is just totally dead. What then? I went back indoors and then just sat and I have been pretty much sitting here since. The title of this post refers to the technique of using a strong light to point at a rabbit or other critter to stun it into stillness before shooting. I would not want to shoot anything but the expression "Like a lamped rabbit" is one you may have heard before and when referring to a human it means that one has just stopped in their tracks. I have been like this all day. The whole purpose of this post is just to try and break the cycle.

Right now I am ok-ish at the moment but I feel very frightened and anxious. The lack of sleep isn't helping at all. I have to admit at this point that I feel terribly ashamed of my depression. It is no surprise that people have distanced themselves from me but it is hard to be cheerful when you know that some folks that pretend to be friends are stirring up the bullshit to an enormous extent. In many ways this can make things much worse. Staying productive can be a great help but when stuff just keeps going wrong it pulls you down.

Last week I had a court appearance for the non-payment of a fine. The summons was issued before I paid the fine but I was not issued with a receipt. They authorities I paid insisted that I had been but of all the mail that has arrived this one VITAL letter has not. I went to the courthouse and explained to the person at the office what had happened but they told me that I would need the receipt otherwise my case could have a bad outcome. I decided to call the authorities again and ask them to fax a copy of the receipt to the courthouse. It was about a half hour of being passed around the various workers until I was told that they could not issue any copies via fax or otherwise. I had a lot of running about to do before I could get it all sorted out. It made me feel terrible. I have been feeling very low since then.

During the past few weeks I have been trying very hard to overcome the feelings of being down but it has been hard. I have been getting very tearful at times but when I am doing something productive it is a LOT easier. The shame and guilt of the depression is the worst. I never set out to feel like this and I would prefer that I didn't. I just want to get my life back and be happy again. I worry sometimes that it might never happen but the funny thing is that even just having written this far has lifted my spirits a little and I guess that that is a good thing.

--

Last week I met with an old friend and we were exchanging stories of our respective times in the psychiatric ward. We both suffer from depression but we are good friends and have been for many years. He told me a story about one Christmas that he spent in the ward and about the party that was held for the patients. There was a raffle as part of the festivities and everyone was in with a chance of winning a prize. My friends' number was called and he presented his winning ticket to collect his prize which was wrapped up in Christmas paper. What was the prize? A set of screwdrivers. I have no idea what they must have been thinking when they decided that would be a good prize in a psychiatric ward but go figure. My friend was very happy with the prize but was just as bewildered as I was about the choice of items. We had a few laughs about it. There is a further part to this story but I will wait until next time to tell it. 

So, for now dear reader I will close but thanks for reading. I hope to post again soon as in perspective writing these few lines have helped a great deal. It was like talking to a friend that was actually interested in listening to you and thus helping cultivate a feeling of being of some kind of value. That is definitely a good thing. Take care and try to enjoy your days.

Day #219 - It Isn't My Fault But I Must Be Responsible

I will dispense with a lengthy apology about not having posted in nearly a month. I was not well. The old black dog of depression is always there but I was pushed by a number of events that led to me being hospitalised briefly. I know that I have mentioned many times about the depression so I will try to avoid being repetitive. I am going to try and explain in this post something about the stigma of it. People may pretend to not be any different than usual but only the most dull and disconnected individual will not recognise changes in the behaviour of others. I have found that in the past month folks have become more and more distant. A small number of "Lobsters" have taken the opportunity of my recent period of illness to further defame my character and name. The problem here is that when one or two people start to distance themselves from someone who has a mental illness and especially during an acute period then others will "join the herd" so to speak. This is a very rewarding situation for the lobster as they are seeing "proof" that they are "right" in hating you and consequently this self endorsing behaviour makes them feel even more self righteous than they already do. They seek to "improve" their shortcomings and character failings by cultivating further misery in their victims.

Recently I was seriously threatened by an individual with violence. I managed to secure the proof of this before they retracted it but I still fear this person and what they might do to me should they decide to. The bonkers thing about it is that the threat was an overreaction of alarming proportions, based on nothing more than a sort of oddly placed logic. Not long after that I was threatened by three others on separate occasions. Each of these individuals know eachother so it is a bit frightening. I don't have a band of brothers that could help me so I will try and stay well clear of these peopleOnce upon a time I used to be able to defend myself pretty well but I have lost a lot of my weight over the past decade as well as speed and agility. My strength is very poor these days too. Not so long ago I would happily throw a bag of coal over my shoulder or lift a (small) motorcycle a (very) short distance but these days I can barely climb a stairs without feeling worn out or at the very least short of breath. I detest violence but have no qualms about self defence however, unless I was very VERY lucky I would be a pretty easy target. I know a little martial arts but I haven't trained properly in years. Ironically this is down to the depression. At the end of this blog I will post a link to a short animated film about depression and hopefully it can explain better than I can in words what it can be like.

To return briefly to my recent period of depression, I must say that it is still very much there. One longs for these things to pass but once you have experienced an "event" that triggers it you are still reminded of the thing almost every waking moment - it is a vicious circle. My recent episode was not due to being threatened but it certainly didn't help. There is a Chinese proverb that says; "Drops of water will, in time, fill a barrel". So having been progressively weakened over the past couple of years it is always a cumulative series of events that can lead one to buckle under the strain. Unfortunately I cannot write about a VERY serious crime that was committed against me as a younger person. I cannot even be vague about it but I can say that via legal channels nothing can be done nor will it be. I wanted to "settle the score" on my own but I think that would be a REALLY stupid thing to do. I will just have to live with it.

I know of one particularly unpleasant lobster that recently said to me; "You've really got to get your shit together". I was stunned by such a statement as to my ears it was like blaming ME for having depression. To my mind such "advice" was like telling an amputee to grow a new limb or shouting at a paraplegic ordering them to get on their feet. I can only take comfort in the fact that the man that said this to me is an asshole for offering such "advice" and his true character is revealed in the fake concern embodied in such rhetoric. There is NO concern other than to see me suffer further.

I do hope to post some more before the weekend but for now I am just glad that I managed to write this much and that I am in reasonable enough health to be able to have done so. Thanks to you dear reader for looking me up again and hopefully you will again soon. For now I just ask if you could watch the video I have posted a link to and if you do have any friends or family members that are sufferers then try and show it to those people that just do not understand the condition of these people and the suffering that they sometimes experience. I genuinely believe that if more people knew that being stigmatised for being bipolar or for any mental health condition for that matter only makes things far worse for those that suffer from the condition. Stigma itself only increases the burden which in turn makes taking steps towards an effective recovery even more difficult. To those that continue to read the blog, thanks for checking back and staying loyal. My very best wishes to you whoever you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=XiCrniLQGYc

 

Day #192 - Am I taking crazy pills here?!?!??

After all of my wishing that things would improve in my mental health life stuff has still been making its' way into the gears and cogs of my "life machine". The usual thing that happens is that you swing up, get too high and then descend raucously into a pit of despair, and then, back again. The time taken moving between these two states of mind can vary.  I believe that it may not be unrelated to the passing of time and a greater awareness of ones' own mortality. I don't think that I fear death but I do fear pain and suffering and probably most of all - being alone. Not to say that there is anything wrong with solitude as we all like a bit of alone time. I think that the fear is compounded by the worry that the alone time will never end. It was Issac Newton that famously said "What goes up, must come down!". Maybe he didn't say it but he is credited with it. Now it is pretty obvious that bipolar disorder involves moving or cycling between two differing extremes. One can be happy and then sad. Sometimes one will swing very rapidly between these two states but often it can be much slower. The negative thing about this variance is that one cannot prepare adequately or know in advance of how long the transition will take. I have been rapid cycling for the past two weeks and it bothers me a great deal. This is because it is during slower cycling periods that one can be more effective at getting things done and as I have pointed out a number of times throughout the blog, practical action, productive work and worthwhile results can be of enormous benefit in maintaining equilibrium.

At the moment I am having all manner of computer problems - I am pretty sure that I have been hacked remotely. This is not paranoia but simply me, expressing a view of things based on real-time observation and experience. I have not arrived at this conclusion haphazardly. It warrants further investigation in order to gain a more rounded view of the situation. I am going to close now as the pop-ups that keep appearing, telling me that I am running low on disk space are driving me nuts. Did I hear someone say "Driving?"

Until next time dear reader. thanks for being there and I will post again soon. I have a lot to say and hopefully enough time in which to say it.

Day #175 - Too long off the bridge...

 
I cannot believe that it is almost three weeks since I posted. I suppose it could have been called a funk or something. For many days I arrived at some fertile post title and was immediately flooded by ideas but then, as is so often the case; POOF!  Gone. Smashed like a billiard ball out of the path of the "right thing" by a bombardment of "new" information. The first book about ADD that I looked at following my diagnosis was called "Driven To Distraction" by Hallowell and Ratey...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Driven_to_Distraction_%28ADHD%29

"New" information is the term I use to refer to any stimulus that distracts from the desired object of focus. When I first started reading about some of those with ADD it was like reading a biography of myself in some cases. The desire to seek out high-stimulation situations and environments as well as the total willingness to "throw caution to the wind" whilst simultaneously KNOWING that this wasn't really quite right. It always seemed to me that I knew but only afterwards or long before, never at the time in question. That often lead to what can only be described as stupid behaviour. One of the things that I recognise in the condition is the whole being guided as it were, by the constant bombardment of new and interesting "things". Whilst ADD has to a great extent enabled me to learn about many different things it has been a curse when it comes to staying focused. There are times though during which it is possible to hyperfocus. You can get completely immersed in whatever it is you are doing and usually make a great job of it. IF one can keep that momentum going then  it can be great. There is then of course, the looming difficulty in the whole "getting too high" thing that I have covered previously Once mania steps in the inevitable crash makes it tedious. One can also become very laissez faire about whatever it is they become in engaged in too, confident that all will be well but in actual fact the waters are rising around you quietly. Sometimes it is good to know when stupidity is getting an upper hand.

I chose the title of this post to describe a Master or Commander of a vessel, absent from the bridge and thus their true responsibilities. I don't want to lend too much gravity to it but even writing a blog like this is a responsibility to myself and I ought be doing more. I chose the title to describe the laxness on that front but also the "fog" that one can find themselves in difficult waters. It can help to be able to see better.

--

For the past couple of weeks (months?) I have been trying to get my van sorted out with all of the necessary documents for roadworthiness. The cost of the mandatory test is €111.16 with a retest fee of €43.58 - the retest to be taken within 21 days. I have spent a bunch of money on this van and it is just gobbling it up. The thing failed the test last week after I had new tyres fitted and had some brake hoses replaced. There are a few things that will cost more money to put right after the test revealed the need for a number of pretty expensive parts that will be time consuming to fit. There is no doubt that having the van is great and being able to move around is VERY useful but the expense so far has been punishing in terms of the "hidden extras".

I don't really have that much more to report for now only to apologise for the protracted absence to those that read regularly. Welcome too to all of those reading in new parts of the world. Like I have written more than a few times, I will try harder to write more often. It just gets a bit foggy sometimes when there is so much that needs to be done.

Day #156 - And furthermore...

After I awoke this morning and cleared the end of the dreams from my mind I waited for just a moment to get my bearings before I went to wash and get the breakfast ready. Whilst I sat and was getting ready to get started. I was reminded of my previous post from yesterday "Day #155". I thought about what I really wanted to describe but being tired and not being able to find the correct words to help an idea develop I decided to think some more.

We are all instinctively equipped to know when something is a little out of the ordinary. This skill is something that we developed many thousands of years ago and was something that as a human race we all became dependent upon in order to ensure our own survival. I am sure that anyone reading this has experienced a feeling of something that "wasn't quite right" or a feeling of apprehension that was based on something that they "felt". I am not suggesting that this is some kind of "sixth sense" - though I do hold that we "experience" a lot that cannot attributed directly to sight, sound etc.

This feeling and the way it guides us can be described as "intuition", "instinct", "experience" or even "luck" and frequently is described as such. Further to this as a person moves through life and they "develop" this feeling or skill they may be able to enjoy greater success in life and also possibly in society (if that is what they are after). We have all experienced that feeling of intense confidence that can come with being equipped with the knowledge, a priori, that we ARE going to win and that there is no other outcome. To be sage enough to be able to accept defeat should it arrive or not may well determine the outcome of further "development" of our success.

So, to return briefly to mental illness. I genuinely believe that if someone that doesn't know you is presented with the information that you have "mental problems", you are more than likely to be treated differently than you would were you presented as having just won a literary award or medal for some achievement. Beyond that you have "famous" people. I have met plenty of them and I can guarantee that they are just human and in many cases a bit odd, like ANY human I suppose. I have seen (especially young women) completely lose control in the presence of their idol. This idol is just an ordinary bag of flesh and bones but the key difference in popular perception between the idol and the ordinary "man on the street" is the manner and way in which they have been presented to the public and the media. The "wrapper" in which they find themselves.

We are often given "wrappers" by other people. Someone that has achieved something in life may wish to keep it private ("leaving it in the box"?) Or, they may decide to present this new "information" or "intelligence" in a certain way; to many or few, with grandiosity or humility, with self-effacement or arrogance. Regardless of whichever "wrapper" that they decide to put the information into it must be remembered that the way a person reacts to the other all depends on the "wrapper" and also the way in which the "wrapper" is "sold" to you. For example...

Imagine that you are at a party and you are being introduced to a number of "new" people by some friend. At a distance your "friend" gives you some bio information about the person you are about to be introduced to. The way that you will view this new person is entirely dependent on the information you have been given (in the form of the bio) and the way that it is presented to you. This is what I call the "wrapper".  You are much more likely to be amenable to a prize-winning author than a violent and deceptive deviant. This is nothing more than common sense. Of course it would be the acme of foolishness to get too cosy with a proven criminal. What if however that the inverse were true. That your friend doing the introductions "got their wires crossed" and mixed the people up - this all being based on how that person was "sold" to them at some earlier point. This might go some way to explaining the phrase, "Mud sticks!"

For years I knew a woman who just sneeered at me and gave me dirty looks every time I saw her. I was a bit non-plussed by this AND confused because I hadn't the faintest idea in the world who she was. EVERY single time that I saw her there would just be this obvious frowning scowl. One day, I guess it was really just curiosity but I walked up to her and asked straight out. She immediately "went into one" and started cursing and berating me. I noticed though that she was accusing me of stuff that happened whilst I wasn't even in the country . It turns out that she thought that I was another person entirely, someone that had a slightly similar name to mine. This simple case of mistaken identity (probably based on jumping to conclusions more than anything else) lead to months of pure hatred from this woman towards me. It also meant that were I to have been described by the woman to anyone that didn't know me THEIR impression would have been completely coloured by the way in which I was presented to them and the ideas that they developed subsequently.

This is an area in which a lobster can excel at dragging down another. The more experienced lobster can just present a small bit of false information - delivered with "sincerity" and also mild ambiguity - and THEN let the "story" take on a life of its' own. Sparsely distributed disinformation may take a little time to gather momentum but momentum it shall gather and a great deal. With this then one might be able to end up occupying a whole new position in the hearts and minds of others all because of either a case of mistaken identity but as is often the matter these days - lobsterism.

I would advise anyone reading this to look up "Kim's Game" (Game of the Jewels) on wikipedia or some such and learn about something that would be of great assistance in helping to develop a sharp memory and efficient recall (especially in the young).

Thank you dear reader, have a good day and productive week. be happy and remember that ultimately we can determine what "wrapper" we are put into.

 

Day #155 - Four Non Blogs

I tried recently to really get a grip on more consistent posting and on four occasions I wrote and ranted and then just abandoned the posts. Although the most popular blog entries are the ones that are in some way "sensational" I don't really want to get too bombastic with the "adventure stories" just yet. There is quite a bit that I want to write but I guess that you must be "in the form" for it. I am not currently "in the form". One thing that I do want to write about though is mental illness. I want to describe it in VERY broad terms as it would be wrong and slightly irresponsible to start proffering opinions in a focused way. I have no idea what it is like to be a cat or a teapot so I cannot venture to say. I will recommend a good essay on such matters and that is one called "What is it Like to be a Bat?" by Thomas Nagel. The full essay can be found at the link below...

http://rintintin.colorado.edu/~vancecd/phil1000/Nagel.pdf

It is a good read and can possibly be of use in developing perspectives on consciousness. 

It was Frank Zappa (I think) that said..."if you meet someone that has a cold or a sneeze or a broken leg you feel sorry for them but if they are developing a mental health condition then; THEY'RE CRAZY!!!" 

If I meet someone before they get any idea that there are some mental health issues they seem fine when they don't know. But when I may meet with them AFTER they know there is usually a marked difference in their behaviour between the "before" person and the "after" person. The "overcompensation" that one collides with at times is truly palpable in most cases. In their efforts to appear more relaxed and at ease it is easy to see that some folks are really just not at ALL comfortable. I have become very candid about describing my health issues as I find it better that folks get to know early on if they are likely to be spending any time around you. There are degrees of severity with any condition but I am pleased to say that I am pretty sure that there are no microphones hidden in the wall, under the beds, cameras in the library, I really AM Lady Gaga etc. MY difficulty is that I may drop into a deep depression at anytime or other times I may be euphoric and full of enthusiasm. I find it helps for others that IF they are aware you may burst into tears at any moment then you yourself are much less likely to so if not burdened by the anxiety that goes with being afraid of doing so. Many years ago being Bipolar was all about getting sedated but these days treatments such as cognitive behavioural therapy, counselling, a good diet and plenty of exercise are widely considered to be very beneficial. Some medicines too have transformed the life of the person with the condition. There are "before" and "after" scenarios in there too.

Stress can be the big problem. It can "grease the wheels" for the onset of a down. Anxiety leads to a poor appetite and desire to punish oneself. This thinking will exacerbate any looming depression and thus the cycle commences. It is the ability to identify this situation early on in the scheme of things that can be of real help in staying in good form. Sometimes though it just arrives and there is very little that one can do to avoid it, so, it is as well to steer through. I would also urge anyone that there is no shame in trying to talk to someone either. Last week I was very glad that I had a couple of people to talk to. Anyone that suffers from bipolar KNOWS that it can be hard to stretch out a bit and try to interact but if we can try, at least then we are on the way to getting out of the funk. It is also true that most bipolar people know that when you are in it - you're in it.

There are sometimes more difficult obstacles to be overcome. Imagine, for example, that your own self-esteem had been eroded to the point that you felt the situation is hopeless. This is obviously not a nice place to be in and the best thing to do at that point is to try to remember that you have been there before and that it DOES get better. Easy to say, hard to hear, but well worth listening to.

To all that consider themselves "apart" from those with the mental equivalent of a light sneeze (or a broken leg) I would ask them to carefully reconsider that not all people are "nuts" - they just need some sincerity and hopefully respect. I have seen it and it can bring out the best in people of all kinds and on either end too. If your new acquaintance upon receiving such good manners still considers themselves Batman or Captain Nemo well then probably best to give them a little space.

Sometimes a person may shout out to themselves seemingly. Sometimes someone will think that they are twenty times their own weight and terribly ugly. Sometimes someone may seem to have just too much energy or does not appear to be able to listen. Sometimes someone might just cry for no apparent reason. Nobody sets out to be like that but sometimes it just cannot be avoided.





 

Day # 146 - NO! That isn't finished yet.

WARNING - EXPLICIT CONTENT THAT IS QUITE UNPLEASANT. PLEASE NAVIGATE AWAY FROM THIS PAGE IF YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE SHOCKED. DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER EXCEPT AT YOUR OWN RISK. I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY OFFENCE CAUSED BY THE CONTENT ON THIS PAGE.















I often wanted to write a piece of music that was "an apology to the world" and I still think of it a lot. During the past six weeks or so I decided that it was ok to have a few pints but what has been happening is that with other events and stress I have been returning to that old cycle of self-medicating using alcohol. When I look back at my life virtually all the mad stuff that I did was reacting to stress and then letting that take hold, have a few beers and then go do something really stupid. I look back and hate myself for all of the stupid stuff that I have done and said. 

Many years ago I wanted to become a soldier. I had done some basic stuff in the reserve forces but I wanted to join up full-time and live the life. My family has a strong tradition of military service and I so wanted to be part of that. I discovered in my late teens that I was colour blind and also have some heart trouble. Whilst I love the former (along with ADD) I am not a massive fan of the idea of heart problems. I never became a serviceman although I did work for a while in security. I hated it. I think that the only thing I miss are some of the people that I worked with.

I cannot begin to describe the feelings of needless guilt and self hatred that seem to have gotten way worse during the past ten years. I put it down to the stuff that is going on in the world and my sensitivity to it. I wish that I was a better man but I am not really doing that well at it lately. I have always tried my best to be real but that "real" isn't to the liking of many people. Those that do get on with me - I value their friendship a great deal.

As may have been apparent from the past few posts I have been rapid cycling with depression and even thinking "What's the point?" but I HAVE to keep going. In order to do that effectively I need to try and withdraw and reconsider my options. A short time back - less than six months I became friendly with a Gentleman that is interested in radio and technology. We have never met but we correspond via email and have exchanged a couple of letters. It is a strange thing that though we have never met I value his friendship a great deal. I hope that it will continue. In correspondence he has given me some sage advice but of late I have (probably) burdened him with manic behaviour, nonetheless the man has been very kind and tolerant of me and has been a great help in assisting me in my efforts to do certain stuff in radio. It is the fact that plain, simple effortless kindness, a TRUE human kindness, still exists that makes me keep going.

I would like to put all of my mistakes right. I'd love to be able to apologise to everyone that I was rude or unpleasant to. I would love to make amends with those I have offended or p*ssed off. One cannot just aim at being a "people pleaser" - THAT is ridiculous and I find that sort of moral obsequiousness to be suspect. I have had a few false starts during the past week or so but I have decided that today is going to be the beginning of the change. I am going to try to get back on the horse because I must. I am no good to anyone in a depressed state so it is up to me to try and get a handle on this. I usually get about one manic period per year but the current one is easily the longest lasting and certainly the most painful. I am finding it virtually impossible to eat. I am reminded that it is important when I think of a saying from an old and VERY dear friend; "An empty bag won't stand!" - I am going to try and eat today.

I just want to say here and now that I am sorry for the things that I have done that weren't nice to people. I am sorry if I was ever insulting or bad mannered. I apologise unreservedly to those I have offended but I make no excuse for any retort I have made towards aggression and threatening behaviour.

When I was a child some pretty awful stuff happened to me and sometimes I had to watch people that I loved get hurt and feel pain. I also did something that I hate myself for. I was about 12 years old and I found a small cat that was stray. I brought him to my Grandmother's house and gave him some food. I loved playing with him and making him purr. I had no idea about what was going to happen. My Grandmother had become very unwell after her first born son had died. He was a robust man in his mid forties that died in his sleep from a cerebral hemorrhage. I used to spend a lot of time with my Grandmother after my uncle died. She became very depressed and drank a fair bit as a result of her son's death. I am not trying to rationalise here but I must get it off my chest so to speak. About a week after the cat came along I came in from school early as we were given a "half-day". My Grandmother was quite upset and it was easy to tell that she had been crying and had been drinking. Please don't get me wrong - she wasn't a big drinker but she did get like that after her son died.  I went looking for the cat and I was told that he was in the back yard , he was dirty and "full of fleas" and that I would have to get rid of him. There was a lot of arguing from me but my Gran was insistent. I didn't understand and I couldn't question. I was told to "get rid" of the cat. I tried to explain that I couldn't just throw him out. I was then told that the world can be a cruel place sometimes and that sometimes we have to do things that are hard. I was beginning to understand but then I realised that I was being to told to do away with the cat. This was to be something that I was bound to take responsibility for.

I carried him to the sea near where I lived and then I had to "do away with" the cat. That was nearly 40 years ago and there is rarely a day that I don't think of it. I feel terrible for having to have killed that innocent creature and I so truly wish that I didn't. When I did it I was a little upset and that passed after a week or so but since early adulthood it haunts me. I have always loved cats and try to support feline rescue work in some small way. I would like to have one around but I am afraid that my depression would get worse. I can never forget having done that though and in many ways I feel terrible when that awful day comes to mind.

For years I spent a lot of time doing some really, REALLY crazy stuff and I have thought was I living like that in order to be killed? Some sort of desire to be punished maybe. I don't know. The important thing now is to try and stay alive to be able to do the right thing. I wish that folks understood that I harbour no hatred and that I just want to live a peaceful life. Perhaps maybe contribute to the betterment of the earth or just cultivate a little happiness in the hearts of those that seek the same.

To all of those that I have hurt or offended I am truly sorry. There are a half a dozen things that stand out as events that I regret. I always will regret those things no matter how trivial but I hope that I am forgiven. I sincerely hope dear reader that I still have some respect from you BUT to those that will pick apart the blog and use the content to develop new ways of hating and cultivating hatred, I wish you nothing but piss poor bad luck with it.

Day #142 - Whatever...

Back when I restarted this blog a few months back, it was to help assist me get some perspective and what way I responded to stuff. It has been helpful and I enjoy writing when I can. It was a sort of therapy to be able to describe things as they are. I am bipolar and that can be tough for others as well as the sufferer themselves. I have found myself lately very depressed because of continuing attacks on my van and not being able to earn properly, move around, get stuff done.

I have ordered some cctv gear and hope to get the house well camd up. Remote viewing will be a necessity along with regular uploads to the "cloud" (never really liked that term). Anyway with luck and some work things will start to take a better tack soon. I am fed up of sleeplessness, lack of appetite, general listlessness and occasional teariness.

A taxi driver that carried my Mother back from day care today wondered aloud/asked why I hadn't found myself some fine, well off woman (or something..) I was quite surprised by this question though it was just a friendly remark. It made me think of my history with the ladies. I have never been great "boyfriend" material. I have never been good at saying the right stuff because that is just game playing and I have a lot more respect for women than that. Then there is the general scruffiness that goes with being an old tech/guitar fiend/geek (LONG before the term was invented!) I have been married, as I have mentioned in a previous post and realise that she is far better off without me. I hope that she is happy. My depression made things tough for both of us. Not everyone's cup of tea.

Owing to all of the recent vandalism and a general sense of disarray I have been on a severe down. The two worst things about it are the sleeplessness and fatigue during the day. My appetite is also shot. I have no idea in any concrete way of who might be doing this stuff but I will find out and will seek the strongest penalties. The physical effects are worse than the financial ones.

In the ten or so days since I last posted I have been right in it and it has been shit. I prefer when people are at peace with themselves as well as others. I like to feel positive when writing and try in some way to write something that is worthwhile reading and not just an occasional moan. I don't like it when it feels like that.

I haven't done a THING with radio. A fortnight back I was conducting experiments with gusto and enthusiasm yet since the dog got back in I have just ignored it. I hope to get back to that with some renewed vigour when this passes. Hopefully a couple of cameras can bring me closer to normality and thus onward to productive work at peace, at home with my Mother. 

She gets a real buzz out of it - hearing foreign radio hams talking to eachother. When I was starting out I have to give my Mum most of the credit for sustaining my interest in electronics. It was her that ensured I could get my bulbs, batteries and switches to play with. In fact, even my Grandmother played an important role too. I remember her taking me on a 300 mile round-trip train journey to buy the necessary components for a radio I was building. I find it ironic that the plans for the radio were in a wonderful Ladybird book that she bought for me. The book was written by Rev G.C. Dobbs. Rev. Dobbs is the founder and chairman of the GQRP Club - dedicated to low power radio. I have been a member for a few years now and still get a wonderful surprise when the quarterly A5 sized journal drops through the letterbox. Radio has always meant a lot to me.

I sometimes do work on music tech stuff, mainly guitars which I been messing with for almost 30 years. Electronics for over 40. I am getting older now and my eyesight isn't what it once was but I do still intend to keep going with this fascinating hobby.

So, I guess that's it until the next time.. I do enjoy wring this because there ARE people that read it and if they get any kind of insight or entertainment (for want of a better word) then I am glad. I'm going to try and steer out of this with effective work. Better get started on the evening's comestibles.

Thanks for reading. Peace be with you.

Day #132 - Time to wise up!

I just can't blog. I feel sick and I am so tired. I have sat up during several nights trying to catch the person messing with my van and the wear is beginning to take its' toll. My neck and back are seized with a creak and I am going to the toilet far more frequently than I would like. My appetite is gone and I just feel so tired. I am going to try to sleep but it is difficult. I will write more when I get to feel better but at the moment I feel awful. I have been told  that time spent on recon is time seldom wasted yet I feel that I am solidly wasting my time. I feel like an idiot and I expect that I have earned that feeling. I just want to get all of this finished. I just want to be well again. It might be time to wise up.