California Dreaming

I realise that I haven't posted in a while but I have had a lot of stuff on and I guess I've been letting the depression get the better of me. I had an important job on a few weeks back and I was commended for my work by the principal. I felt very proud but after any high comes a low and I hit it in a big way. During the past few weeks I have experienced levels of depression that would normally only come during a bereavement or loss of a good friend, even a pet. It has been pretty horrible. My memory was shot, I kept making simple mistakes that in critical situations would have been disastrous. This depressed me even more. I guess a lot of men my age begin to get like that and even though I finished work blemish free (almost ;-) I began to succumb to feelings of redundancy and uselessness. 

I like to play guitar and have nearly always played without a pick/plectrum - these days my nails keep breaking but I am going to try and remedy that and get better at restoring my repertoire. Many years ago a VERY accomplished guitarist and great friend I know played me a classical piece called "Leanda" - it is technically very challenging but it was no bother to him. Once he reached the coda (the bit where you "go around again") he launched into "California Dreaming" by the '60's band "The Mamas and the Papas". The contrast made my heart leap and it was without doubt one of the most musically dramatic experiences of my life. I was very inspired but it would be a few years before I started to play myself.

For the past few weeks I have, like I said been feeling very down, worried about the planet and GMO's, the whole militarisation of police forces, "dark science", health for the elderly, mentally ill, disabled etc. This wasn't helped by all of the usual feelings of inadequacy. In turn THIS isn't helped by certain folks that like to spread rumours, "talk" (I have covered this countless times in previous blogs) and spread hatred. By trying to bring you down they artificially make themselves feel better. I know that I was beginning to show cracks in the armour and that was (and still is) to some extent being exploited. Screw 'em - they are just petty assholes. TWO in particular. What is worse is the malignancy of their bullshit and how it has influenced others. During the past year I have lost contact with quite a few old friends and some that I really trusted get visibly uncomfortable in my presence with mildly exaggerated "sincerity" and "friendliness". This is very obvious to a skilled observer.

Yesterday was one of my lowest days ever. I spent a lot of the day crying and wishing I could fix the world. I was terrified that my sleeping would be the usual "an hour here - an hour there" - waking, totally destroyed tired with my IBS going nuts. I cried as I tried to drift off to sleep and that was the last thing I remember, crying.

Then at some point during the night I had a dream. I have never been to California but that is where I think it was. I was with my family including my Grandparents and Great Grandfather (who I never knew). We were staying at a beach lodge where it was full of really nice people including a group of friends that I had never met. They were all pretty happy and healthy people. there was a cook-out and lots of fresh fruit, salads, cold beers - that kind of stuff. The weather was perfect. At some point I wanted to go for a swim but was warned about rip-tides in an area that I wanted to take a dip (even though I used to be a pretty good swimmer). At some point a man in a suit was stuck in the water in a Hummer (very large 4WD used by the military - and some others in the "entertainment" industry) and was beginning to take on water in a big way. He had a briefcase that he needed to take with him. I waded in and with the help of some surfer type random person that I didn't know we pulled the guy and his gear from the vehicle which was promptly dragged into the waves and was swallowed by the sea.

We helped the guy get himself together and bade him goodbye - he had to get back to work or something. During all of this there was a buzz going around about a big party that would be happening that night. All of my new friends were keen that I go as they heard that I liked a good party and played a "pretty cool guitar" (I don't really - I just sound a bit different). So myself and the family along with the new friends end up at another venue - a bit like the first one but this was in what seemed to be a college type neighbourhood. It was very similar, rustic bamboo counters, strong oak tables, lots of great food and plenty of people partying. At some point I was outside demonstrating the power of an engine that I had modified against a similar one that was not modded. My engine beat the ass off the other one and my Great Grandfather told me that he knew that I was right. My challenger was a chap that is currently "absentia ex patria" after doing some bad things and sadly telling a lot of untruths. I cannot be more detailed than that. After I had won our "burn-off", he slunk away, telling me that I was full of it. My Great Grandfather was just smiling at me and told me not to worry - he KNEW I was right.

I then went to look for my Brother who was said to be staying at his apartment to catch up on some sleep. I wanted to tell him about my engine victory. I entered a small mews that had about 6 or 7 small cars - all the same model. Apparently these were used by the students as transport - they were electric hybrids but I suggested that perhaps my engine could be used to replace the inefficient existing plant and optimise the drive to the electric portion of the overall power train. A really beautiful girl looked at me and just said; "Cool!" She was gorgeous. Just my type. Anyway, she told me where my Brother was (or so she thought) and she would take me there. We had to stop at her place as she had some tidying up to do. Her apartment was an amazing little place. I asked how could I get to live in a place like this? She replied that I would have to talk to the admissions officers but she knew I was a smart guy and that my college education should make it no problem (no logistics problems in this dream folks!!!)

Finally we arrived on the steps of an apartment building that had lots of "Tayto" (an Irish brand of potato crisp/chip) wrappers stuffed into a bin. I said that my Brother was real fan of these so we must have the right place. Then she told me she had to go but to stay in touch and keep up the good work on my engine. I remember her smiling as she turned to leave in denim shorts, sandals and a sports vest. Pretty brown eyes and freckles. I started knocking on the door of the apartment and I can hear "yeah, yeah, I'm coming! hang on!" It was then that I woke up.

Upon waking I felt like I had had one of the best nights of sleep of my life. I feel very motivated today. I hope you do too. I am sorry if this post was a bit rushed but I wanted to "cook it whilst it was fresh" so to speak. 

To end the post, some music. This song has been in my head for a few days but I thought it might be nice to post it here.

Thanks for reading folks. Stay cool and tuned in to the blog here. I have a feeling I'll be posting more soon. Have a great day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY0Pg2Gu5uM