Day #219 - It Isn't My Fault But I Must Be Responsible

I will dispense with a lengthy apology about not having posted in nearly a month. I was not well. The old black dog of depression is always there but I was pushed by a number of events that led to me being hospitalised briefly. I know that I have mentioned many times about the depression so I will try to avoid being repetitive. I am going to try and explain in this post something about the stigma of it. People may pretend to not be any different than usual but only the most dull and disconnected individual will not recognise changes in the behaviour of others. I have found that in the past month folks have become more and more distant. A small number of "Lobsters" have taken the opportunity of my recent period of illness to further defame my character and name. The problem here is that when one or two people start to distance themselves from someone who has a mental illness and especially during an acute period then others will "join the herd" so to speak. This is a very rewarding situation for the lobster as they are seeing "proof" that they are "right" in hating you and consequently this self endorsing behaviour makes them feel even more self righteous than they already do. They seek to "improve" their shortcomings and character failings by cultivating further misery in their victims.

Recently I was seriously threatened by an individual with violence. I managed to secure the proof of this before they retracted it but I still fear this person and what they might do to me should they decide to. The bonkers thing about it is that the threat was an overreaction of alarming proportions, based on nothing more than a sort of oddly placed logic. Not long after that I was threatened by three others on separate occasions. Each of these individuals know eachother so it is a bit frightening. I don't have a band of brothers that could help me so I will try and stay well clear of these peopleOnce upon a time I used to be able to defend myself pretty well but I have lost a lot of my weight over the past decade as well as speed and agility. My strength is very poor these days too. Not so long ago I would happily throw a bag of coal over my shoulder or lift a (small) motorcycle a (very) short distance but these days I can barely climb a stairs without feeling worn out or at the very least short of breath. I detest violence but have no qualms about self defence however, unless I was very VERY lucky I would be a pretty easy target. I know a little martial arts but I haven't trained properly in years. Ironically this is down to the depression. At the end of this blog I will post a link to a short animated film about depression and hopefully it can explain better than I can in words what it can be like.

To return briefly to my recent period of depression, I must say that it is still very much there. One longs for these things to pass but once you have experienced an "event" that triggers it you are still reminded of the thing almost every waking moment - it is a vicious circle. My recent episode was not due to being threatened but it certainly didn't help. There is a Chinese proverb that says; "Drops of water will, in time, fill a barrel". So having been progressively weakened over the past couple of years it is always a cumulative series of events that can lead one to buckle under the strain. Unfortunately I cannot write about a VERY serious crime that was committed against me as a younger person. I cannot even be vague about it but I can say that via legal channels nothing can be done nor will it be. I wanted to "settle the score" on my own but I think that would be a REALLY stupid thing to do. I will just have to live with it.

I know of one particularly unpleasant lobster that recently said to me; "You've really got to get your shit together". I was stunned by such a statement as to my ears it was like blaming ME for having depression. To my mind such "advice" was like telling an amputee to grow a new limb or shouting at a paraplegic ordering them to get on their feet. I can only take comfort in the fact that the man that said this to me is an asshole for offering such "advice" and his true character is revealed in the fake concern embodied in such rhetoric. There is NO concern other than to see me suffer further.

I do hope to post some more before the weekend but for now I am just glad that I managed to write this much and that I am in reasonable enough health to be able to have done so. Thanks to you dear reader for looking me up again and hopefully you will again soon. For now I just ask if you could watch the video I have posted a link to and if you do have any friends or family members that are sufferers then try and show it to those people that just do not understand the condition of these people and the suffering that they sometimes experience. I genuinely believe that if more people knew that being stigmatised for being bipolar or for any mental health condition for that matter only makes things far worse for those that suffer from the condition. Stigma itself only increases the burden which in turn makes taking steps towards an effective recovery even more difficult. To those that continue to read the blog, thanks for checking back and staying loyal. My very best wishes to you whoever you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=XiCrniLQGYc