Day #2 - Onward into the blog!

I never thought that I would be able to say that I overslept again but last night, crikey. Ten hours straight, along with some interesting dreams. I used to have the radio on all night to be able to get a decent kip but stopped it a while back. I will hopefully be able to keep that up.

I am feeling pretty elated today - always a danger sign with Bipolar Disorder, the inevitable "black dog" usually follows but if I keep my momentum up I'll be ok. I started practicing Morse Code again and it actually went "ok" and not the disaster that I thought it would be. I got a few different programs for the computer and Android phone. Here are some links if anyone wants to try them.The first is for Windows...

http://www.justlearnmorsecode.com/

And this chap Wolfgang has a bundle of cool stuff for the Android...

http://www.wolphi.com/

I would encourage anyone to get into radio - it is one of my favourite things and like you may have heard; "pictures are always better on the radio!" Anyway, enough of that for now.

The good night's sleep has thoroughly energized me - I ate a massive bowl of museli and yoghurt and had a decent cup of tea. I am ready to take on anything the day throws at me but as I have said, I must be careful. "Two swallows maketh a summer not" as the old saying goes. I am going to dash now dear reader as time is marching on (too many old adages today methinks!) and I need to suck the marrow out of the bones of the day. I hope that you have a good one too. To quote Prince; "Raise your hands for positivity y'all!"

Laters.

Still Day #1...

I must have walked about ten miles today. It was good to be out and about. I feel mildly absent minded today but I DID get a fair bit done. It is still early in the opening of the game but I have a few things planned for the next few days. I certainly want to start eating better - I cannot stand subsisting on processed foods; another bad habit that I got into during the past couple of years. I got some decent food for later so hopefully I can start as I mean to go on.

The weather here today has been very odd - misty and sunny by turns with a pretty strong wind; predominately from the North. I don't know if I can do it but I'm going to try and erect a wire antenna this evening. Nothing fancy just a bit of wire to drag in some signals. I miss listening to the radio - REAL radio that is. That will be resolved in the next few days I hope. I would urge anyone that has even the mildest predilection to anything geeky to check out the wonderful world of ham radio - it's great fun.

My Mother is in hospital at the moment recovering from her FIFTH stroke. Most folks are lucky to survive just one but my Ma is a tough old stick and I think that she is doing good. I managed to make her laugh a lot which is always a great pleasure for me. I want her to enjoy a few days in the sun. Maybe this year we'll get a good summer. Goodness knows it has been a while since we had one.

Right ho! Off to put in 15 minutes Morse Code practice.

Day #1 or hour zero, whatever, as you please.

Well, here it is. Ages since I wrote anything here but I have a new mission and intend to see it through to completion. My main aims are to blog each day during the next 101 days. I picked 101 as a number mainly because of the Orwellian connection (...room 101) and all the horrors that need to be overcome. In order to grease the wheels on my somewhat rusty chariot I have resolved not to have any beer, wine or hard liquor for that period of time.

I don't know what the coming months will bring but I hope it will be positive. My aims for this period of time are to...

• Tidy the house and get as much renovation done as I can.
• Actually learn Morse Code properly and get to at least 15 wpm.
• Finish my degree course - three essays and two exams.
• Get a workshop happening again so I can set up my tools and test gear.
• Get my bikes back on the road.
• Clear my pile of unread books.
• Try and go for a decent walk every day.

I don't know if I've set the bar a bit too high but it isn't such a big deal though I guess on day #1 that is an easy thing to say. I'm going to close for now but hopefully this blog - and the fact that I am " advertising" this mission online - will cultivate an ongoing impetus to succeed. That is all I want to do. I guess now is the time to open fire!!!

Today was one of those busy yet unproductive days. I was not drinking any beer or whatever during the period that I was on the meds. I am now almost a week off them now. It has been a bit odd. I am still very absent minded which is annoying, mainly because I know that it is a meds thing even though I can be forgetful occasionally. So, it is with that as a back-story I can relate some stuff from today.

It seemed to me that I was doing so much "stuff" and yet here I am at home at half nine in the evening and I feel like the day was completely unproductive. I visited the bank to find out how bad things were money wise and yes, it's sort of grim. I guess that is what can happen when there's nothing much coming in at the moment. It's been a tough year.

I was stopped on campus today by some exchange students that wanted to know about the college "tour". I invisibly winced when I imagined them getting hurried about being told about stuff that doesn't matter. That's the middle age cynicism kicking in there. I gave them a brief rundown of what was good to know and where the main bits - library etc. were. They were all from across Europe; a Belgian woman, a German woman and a chap from Hungary. I filled them in on a few details but raised a few laughs too and sort of felt glad that I managed to do that.

I know what that means though and it may seem auto-fulfilling but usually when I start to get happy(ish) it means that the black dog of depression is not far away. This is the hardest part of being bipolar. I hope that when I get to sleep that I dream well or not at all, sleep well and hopefully wake up with a slightly more positive outlook. I read on one of those tear-off calenders that has a saying or such at the bottom of the slip of paper, "Making a start is half the job done!" - that's why for me positive starts can make my week, month or whatever.

I don't know if this will be an easy ride. I lost my keys right outside my front door yesterday, I sent an email this morning and it was only after two more tries I managed to actually send the link that I wanted to. Last night sleeping - plenty of nightmares. My appetite though has stabilised instantly and I am glad about that. It would not be good for me to put on so much weight.

I still feel a bit scatty but it's ok. I'll manage. The interesting thing is that the previous two posts to this one are almost identical in content. I hope that my horse will understand that the rider is still pretty much in the storm, regardless of the extent of its' intensity. Yee-haw!

I would like to conclude by saying that it was only by the good nature of a passer by that I managed to find my keys - he handed them into the local police station. I hope my luck holds out.

For the past six weeks I have been prescribed Mirtazipine to "stabilize my mood". I have been on all manner of SSRI's and other medications for depression in the past but until the latest episode that led to this round of meds I was med free for almost nine years. I know that the doctors have a job to do but this stuff that I have been taking is bonkers.

Short term memory loss has been a problem as has a dramatically increased appetite. I like the odd bit of chocolate but five toblerones in a sitting, a 16" pizza with six toppings twice in a week, followed by tea and fruit cake is just crazy.

The memory loss is the worst of all. Last week I spent almost half an hour searching for a test meter that was only inches away from me for all of that time. Forgetting things that I just thought of, as well as bouts of pure mania, making endless lists of "important stuff to do" as well as looking into the future (not literally of course) about this, that and the other thing that needs to be done. It has all got to be far too disturbing. And don't even get me started on the physical effects; shortness of breath, chest pains etc.

I am not saying that anyone should stop taking their meds. Not at all. BUT I cannot function like this. I sometimes deal with VERY high voltages doing hobby stuff (I'm an electronics enthusiast) and I don't want to fry myself all because I didn't realise that I hadn't switched something off. Then there are countless spelling mistakes in emails. Absent mindedness; I left the keys in my bike twice last week. Rash descisions; I impulsively sold a fantastic radio I saved for months to buy for just pennies. Bonkers. I also swapped a beautiful guitar for a tiny wind turbine that I don't actually need. It is all very "not me".

I think that it is time to just get back to being real. If that means periods of depression, well, that has to be better than what I have been through in the last month or more. An alternative strategy is called for.

I'm done with it. Time for a new tack.

Right now I feel pretty rotten so I am going to try and change that with potatoes, hard work and the cultivation of small victories. An old Chinese saying goes; "Drops of water will, in time, wear away a stone yet a rainstorm will leave it unchanged".

That's it for today, time to get back on the horse.

A few weeks back, seven to be exact, I had something of an episode. It had been brewing for a while and I wasn't eating too well. The upshot was that the psychiatric team that dealt with me in the past - nearly a decade ago was the most recent trip - prescribed Mirtazipine to stabilise my moods. all it has done is increase my appetite by a factor of 5,000 and make me forgetful and VERY lethargic. I decided as of today to stop taking them.

Being forgetful is something that can happen to anyone BUT I'm talking about leaving the keys in my bike (twice), forgetting my gloves, forgetting  to post mail, sending the same content in an email three times, looking around for something that is sitting right next to me and, most annoying of all is having ridden all the way across town to buy a plumbing component that I actually bought yesterday. Not good.

I am lucky to live near the sea so I have elected to start a series or early morning walks to make things better for my head. I need to get back on the horse good and proper and smash the walls of my depression. To quote Andy Warhol - "The most important thing is work!", so I guess I've got to do that and make it work.