LATE POST - Day #119 - Pay As You Go

Like I related in the last post things have been a little bit rough of late. I have had a couple more small van related events - the bonnet/hood was "keyed" (it means scratched with a key) and a front wing/fender was kicked resulting in a fair dent. What bothers me most about this is that the "person" responsible hasn't the courage to express his ire towards me in any other way. Owing to the consistency of the events I can only put it down to mental illness. THAT is fine but I figure that there would be a far greater release in tension if they just presented themselves and we'll figure it out. After the transmission failure and having to shell out for that I am totally broke with something I thought that I'd never see again in my wallet; pawn tickets. You pay as you go as they say. The level of depression that I descended into last week had me wanting to pull my own teeth out. I was drinking hard and just feeling terrible. Thank goodness that has now stopped. The funny thing about life where I come from is that SOME people almost WANT to have something to complain about. They need an enemy and if it is a little bit different more's the better - they can just hate and be happy that they can avoid introspection. I saw a great video on youtube the other day that in and among the sketches there are a few that sum up the situation perfectly...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpZbaz3Wlfw

Unfortunately the stuff in this video would not be so funny if it wasn't true. It really rubs me the wrong way when disrespect is presented to one as some kind of benevolence that a true and REAL person ought be grateful for just because it is presented with "good intentions" and self-righteous "smilingness", sometimes with a layer of smugness not so far beneath the surface either, though often forcibly removed from the conciousness involuntarily lest it might collide too readily with any semblance of truly authentic humanity. Do such people think that ALL of those around them that they PRETEND to "love", "like" or "respect" are thick? All one needs to be able to identify bullshit is just to have sampled bullshit before. There's no high end science or magic attached to that.

Furthermore, apropos being treated as stupid or thick (usually in the most sugary and patronising way) yet very skilfully disguised.  If you expect to be treated with respect and honesty then remember that it's a two-way street. Self-righteousness just makes me feel nauseous.

Anyway, after last night staying up until nearly 4am working on my antenna I am going to take this opportunity to get to bed early and sleep hopefully. Often when I am TOO tired I just cannot sleep properly. Before I do retire though I'd like to share a short poem that was written by Joseph Merrick aka "The Elephant Man". I find it most touching because it delineates my feelings of self worth when the depression kicks in. I am grateful to God or whatever one wants to call him/her/it that I have never had to experience the terrible things that Merrick did. I find the poem - which I only discovered recently - to be something quite beautiful. I don't consider it apologetic but more of a profound kindness that stretches out a hand of peaceful benevolence. It could well be amongst the most beautiful things that I have ever read.

'Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul;
The mind's the standard of the man.

--

This is a late post inasmuch as I wrote it a few days ago. I am not very well at the moment but intend to update over the weekend. I am sorry dear reader but the bipolar thing is in full effect right now. I HAVE felt worse that IS true but not by much. Stick with me is all that I ask.