Day #124 - The Way It Has To Be

WARNING - EXPLICIT CONTENT - NOT EASY READING FOR THE SENSITIVE - IF YOU ARE OF SUCH DISPOSITION - IT MIGHT BE BEST TO NAVIGATE AWAY NOW - I DO NOT ACCEPT ANY RESPONSIBILITY SHOULD YOU READ ANY FURTHER - WARNING - DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE - THERE IS NO INTENTION TO SHOCK OR OFFEND










For years I was a member of a fan forum for the guitarist Shawn Lane. I hadn't really been a fan of Lane's but was a member of another forum and one of the chaps there suggested that I might want to check out the Lane forum. I was getting flamed a lot on the other site and being amongst such nice people was a breath of fresh air. I was quite unfamiliar with Lane's music and still am to a large extent and was "saving" his output for "some time in the future". Lane was renowned for his technical facility on guitar and keyboards/piano but some of his compositions are simply breathtaking. I would strongly suggest to any fan of instrumental rock music to check out some of his stuff - it isn't everyones' cup of tea obviously but the quality that I enjoy about it is the optimistic joy that it contains. Today I heard something for the first time that really blew me away. I will post a link to the youtube page at the end of this post.

Like I have mentioned in a few previous posts, I haven't been too well of late. I often have no idea as to when the depression will kick in hard and for the past fortnight it has been quite bad. It is rapid cycling at the moment. That can be the hardest part - the term "emotional roller-coaster" is a bit of an overused phrase but it describes a rapid cycling situation quite well. The thing that started all of this could be one of many events that occurred during my lifetime. When I was a small child I saw a man shot in the head at close range. I was only a child and it was during a bank robbery that took place in my hometown. I remember so much blood pooled around the victim and just a ring of people surrounding him unable to do anything - it was obvious that it was a fatal wound. The psychotherapist that I began to see in the early 1990's (now sadly RIP) suggested that this might be part of my difficulties. I have also seen plenty of other violent acts at close quarters and these too have no doubt had an effect. I was physically attacked and beaten - taken unawares well over ten years ago and that is certainly a factor. That kind of thing effected me so deeply because it was just plain WRONG. There is also the non-violent acts of pure disrespect that we all see in our lives and for me these are most sickening. Back when I was married my (ex)wife - a non-European - used to have a saying; "What is wrong be nice!" - for quite some time I thought that she was saying "What is wrong? Be nice!" but she really meant was; "What is wrong with being nice?" - we parted ways a long time back but I still hold many of her personal maxims quite dear. Our marriage ended mostly because I was unwell - more unwell than I realised and that just took its' toll. I often became depressed owing to the fact that I felt that I could do nothing right in spite of my best efforts. THEN I used to drink to feel better but it just didn't work. It was Orwell that said; "A man drinks because he feels himself a failure and then fails all the more because of it!" My three months abstinence was all about trying to gain some perspective on drinking but also to help me figure out why I was doing it. The self harm that I have often engaged in is perhaps too some kind of anaesthetic. I also consider it a sort of punishment for not being able to do anything right and "not being good enough". Whilst that might sound absurd it is completely reasonable to me. One must be careful with such activities - they are dangerous for ones own health. I am doing what I can to avoid it.

Many years ago I briefly used heroin - some of the musicians that I worked with were doing it and it seemed like EXACTLY the sort of dangerous madness that I would like. I never really liked it though - it made me really sleepy, less lucid and "itching like a man up a fuzzy tree" to quote the King. I found the people that I came into contact with to be dirty and of very loose morals. Some dangerous people for sure. I ended up using methadone for a while which I foolishly thought would be "better" but after overdosing on that I stopped cold turkey. The whole flirtation was only a brief one but it was dangerous and stupid. I think that I was punishing myself for not being good enough. I knew after that OD that I would have died quite soon had I continued using and the worst of it was how it had altered the quality of my life in a very short time. I was living in a real "shit pit" of a room and was selling my possessions on a daily basis to score. Stopping was not hard (though I was very sick for about a month) as I had seen what I might have become and that truly motivated me to call a halt. Some though have never had it so lucky and to this day I know of one of the most talented musicians I have ever met who just never came back. He may be dead by now, I don't know but I DO know that it destroyed him in a VERY short time. This man was a professional player that toured the world with big name acts but heroin ended his career. Permanently. He is only one of many sadly. I would warn anyone that has even the briefest dalliance with such substances that it IS a VERY foolish move. Please trust me on this - it IS truly terrible. I am getting quite sick just thinking about it. I have made this admission in order to make clear the danger of messing with ones' own LIFE but also to try and convey that low-self esteem can be a sneaky beast and should you be caught unawares it can destroy your defences.

One of the things that I have written about throughout this blog is what I term "Lobsters" these people could just as easily be called HATERS - a common term in the US. Some folks just cannot bear to see people get ahead. I know one individual that knows about my time using heroin and has been heard to remark that it was a pity that I stopped; implying that a slow and painful death would be something I deserved. It is remarks like these; the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" that can impede the progress and development of the person, particularly the sensitive person and ESPECIALLY those with low self esteem which, as I have already stated is part of the package when it comes to bipolar disorder. Insincerity is another thing that I dislike a great deal. There is an expression that I heard just a few years back about a chap that would "piss all over your back and then tell you it was raining". What is one to do with a person like that? What about the person that seeks to eclipse your victories no matter how small because they cannot bear to see you happy? I have a theory that they seek to cultivate misery in others so that a vacuum or lacuna manifests itself into which they can insert lies and thus further misery. It is sick, sad and perverted but such is the way of the lobster.

Let me clear about this. I am not demeaning the crustaceans at all. I like all sea creatures - except the pretty scary ones that just want to kill you or look like they would. That might be narrow minded however aesthetics do come into it a bit for me but, trivia aside - I chose the term lobster as it comes from a joke that I heard for the first time maybe ten years back. It describes the kind of person I am referring to perfectly. Not those that are into schadenfreude but those that actually feel better holding others back than trying to develop themselves. It is more of an allegory than a joke. I will write a short version of it here...

A man who is really into seafood and haute cuisine visits (insert country here) and decides to visit all the famous spots that are well known for their fish dishes. After touring extensively he ends up in (insert town here) and visits their famed local seafood eaterie. Having being seated by the M'aitre D or Patron, the man notices that there is a large glass fish tank filled with lobsters bubbling away in a corner. He also notices that there is no lid on the tank. He finds this somewhat unsettling and after a few minutes he calls over a waiter to enquire as to why there is no lid on the tank and expresses concern that he would be afraid that a lobster will escape and start crawling about. The waiter reassures the man that in the 20 years that he has worked at the restaurant he has never seen a lobster escape. The man is a little skeptical but he is once again reassured that these lobsters are caught in the coastal waters of (insert town here) and they just don't go crawling about out of their tank once they are put in there. "Why?" asks the man. The waiter replies; "Because if one of them tries to get out, the rest will just grab him and pull him back down again!"

I will do all that I can to avoid being pulled down and try my best to stay away from those that seek to cultivate misery in both myself and others. I have respect and support for all of those that do suffer from depression and those tormented by PTSD. Let them take at least some comfort in the fact that they have developed the condition owing to sensitivity to things for which they were not prepared. It is not their fault. Try to steer through it if you are such a soul. Do what you can. Like Winston Churchill said; "It is the courage to continue that counts!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lorwB98lb44

Thanks for reading this. Peace be with you.