Day #40 - All apologies...

I'd like to say "oops, I did it again!" or some such but it would not really be the truth. I have been struggling with the black dog during the last few days. One of the things that happens when it comes along is the total lack of confidence to do anything, just in case it goes wrong. The upshot of this is, of course, that nothing gets done. I'm beginning to feel a bit like a "lamped rabbit" - terrified that I am going to screw up and galvanised by fear of the totally non-existent consequences if I do. Today was Father's Day, it wasn't really a day that I paid too much attention to as it was often viewed as some kind of commercial exercise at home when I was a kid or maybe the folks were trying to keep the pressure off me. The funny thing is that now, at the age I am - heading to late 40's - I have plenty of friends that are Dad's themselves and quite a few who have, like me, lost their Dad to old age or illness. I thought a lot about my own late father today and what we might have been doing were he around. I don't really think that it would have been very much. He wasn't great at getting enthusiastic about stuff really. He was quite pissed off by the time he passed on I think. He had the look of a man that knew that his best days were probably behind him and as a result didn't think that it was worthwhile doing anything to entertain the possibility that there might be more to life than just "waiting around to die". When I look back I wish that there was something that I could have done to make his later years better but often it was just a sort of wilful resignation. I don't really know what I could have done to make stuff better for him. He was never really a man that shared his thoughts although he had some strong opinions. I feel that he was treated badly by some folks in his life and that made him suspicious of the motives of other people. I was a pretty young person when he was dealing with his own cast of lobsters but I remember who they are and I am not in any hurry to forget them. These are the kind of individuals that make themselves feel better by dragging others down. My Dad was a sensitive enough sort of a character but that was not considered an engaging characteristic when he was a young man and as a result I would say that he conditioned himself to avoid anything that made him emotional. That sort of supressed emotion cannot be good for you but he carried it with him most of his life. I don't know how and I have only a vague idea why. Now that he has passed on I hope that he finds some peace. Now that I have reached day #40 of the plan I am standing at a point where I must nail my colours to the mast so to speak. I will do this in memory of him. To quote Boxer - the large carthorse from Orwell's "Animal Farm" ; "I will work harder!". For this part of the journey I must and I will do it not just for myself, Mother, extended family and friends but also for my late father who must have really wanted it for me because he hadn't the will to do it for himself. Mainly for the reasons that I described as dwelling within myself at the outset of this post.

I am going to sleep with that in mind and see how it goes. G'nite all.