Day #224 - Like a Lamped Rabbit

I don't really know where to begin with this post but I am going to write in the hope that it will be of some cathartic value. Regular readers will know that I have been going through a bit of a rough patch just recently and I am still very much in it. I have wanted to get better for so long but you can never tell when the thing will kick in. This morning after a very restless night I was slightly optimisitic that the day should be tackled head on but I had to summon all of my strength to just get out of bed. I have mentioned self-harm in previous posts but I think that staying in bed gripped with fear can be very harmful in itself. I got up and did some tidying up and made my plans for the day. They would involve more cleaning and getting more organised. I had three large bags of rubbish to be taken out and had to collect some tools from a friends house that I left there last week or maybe longer. Depression can play all manner of dirty games with the memory, simple stuff can be impossible to recall and even simple arithmetic can be hard. So, I go out to my van and get ready to take to the road but the battery is just totally dead. What then? I went back indoors and then just sat and I have been pretty much sitting here since. The title of this post refers to the technique of using a strong light to point at a rabbit or other critter to stun it into stillness before shooting. I would not want to shoot anything but the expression "Like a lamped rabbit" is one you may have heard before and when referring to a human it means that one has just stopped in their tracks. I have been like this all day. The whole purpose of this post is just to try and break the cycle.

Right now I am ok-ish at the moment but I feel very frightened and anxious. The lack of sleep isn't helping at all. I have to admit at this point that I feel terribly ashamed of my depression. It is no surprise that people have distanced themselves from me but it is hard to be cheerful when you know that some folks that pretend to be friends are stirring up the bullshit to an enormous extent. In many ways this can make things much worse. Staying productive can be a great help but when stuff just keeps going wrong it pulls you down.

Last week I had a court appearance for the non-payment of a fine. The summons was issued before I paid the fine but I was not issued with a receipt. They authorities I paid insisted that I had been but of all the mail that has arrived this one VITAL letter has not. I went to the courthouse and explained to the person at the office what had happened but they told me that I would need the receipt otherwise my case could have a bad outcome. I decided to call the authorities again and ask them to fax a copy of the receipt to the courthouse. It was about a half hour of being passed around the various workers until I was told that they could not issue any copies via fax or otherwise. I had a lot of running about to do before I could get it all sorted out. It made me feel terrible. I have been feeling very low since then.

During the past few weeks I have been trying very hard to overcome the feelings of being down but it has been hard. I have been getting very tearful at times but when I am doing something productive it is a LOT easier. The shame and guilt of the depression is the worst. I never set out to feel like this and I would prefer that I didn't. I just want to get my life back and be happy again. I worry sometimes that it might never happen but the funny thing is that even just having written this far has lifted my spirits a little and I guess that that is a good thing.

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Last week I met with an old friend and we were exchanging stories of our respective times in the psychiatric ward. We both suffer from depression but we are good friends and have been for many years. He told me a story about one Christmas that he spent in the ward and about the party that was held for the patients. There was a raffle as part of the festivities and everyone was in with a chance of winning a prize. My friends' number was called and he presented his winning ticket to collect his prize which was wrapped up in Christmas paper. What was the prize? A set of screwdrivers. I have no idea what they must have been thinking when they decided that would be a good prize in a psychiatric ward but go figure. My friend was very happy with the prize but was just as bewildered as I was about the choice of items. We had a few laughs about it. There is a further part to this story but I will wait until next time to tell it. 

So, for now dear reader I will close but thanks for reading. I hope to post again soon as in perspective writing these few lines have helped a great deal. It was like talking to a friend that was actually interested in listening to you and thus helping cultivate a feeling of being of some kind of value. That is definitely a good thing. Take care and try to enjoy your days.

Day #219 - It Isn't My Fault But I Must Be Responsible

I will dispense with a lengthy apology about not having posted in nearly a month. I was not well. The old black dog of depression is always there but I was pushed by a number of events that led to me being hospitalised briefly. I know that I have mentioned many times about the depression so I will try to avoid being repetitive. I am going to try and explain in this post something about the stigma of it. People may pretend to not be any different than usual but only the most dull and disconnected individual will not recognise changes in the behaviour of others. I have found that in the past month folks have become more and more distant. A small number of "Lobsters" have taken the opportunity of my recent period of illness to further defame my character and name. The problem here is that when one or two people start to distance themselves from someone who has a mental illness and especially during an acute period then others will "join the herd" so to speak. This is a very rewarding situation for the lobster as they are seeing "proof" that they are "right" in hating you and consequently this self endorsing behaviour makes them feel even more self righteous than they already do. They seek to "improve" their shortcomings and character failings by cultivating further misery in their victims.

Recently I was seriously threatened by an individual with violence. I managed to secure the proof of this before they retracted it but I still fear this person and what they might do to me should they decide to. The bonkers thing about it is that the threat was an overreaction of alarming proportions, based on nothing more than a sort of oddly placed logic. Not long after that I was threatened by three others on separate occasions. Each of these individuals know eachother so it is a bit frightening. I don't have a band of brothers that could help me so I will try and stay well clear of these peopleOnce upon a time I used to be able to defend myself pretty well but I have lost a lot of my weight over the past decade as well as speed and agility. My strength is very poor these days too. Not so long ago I would happily throw a bag of coal over my shoulder or lift a (small) motorcycle a (very) short distance but these days I can barely climb a stairs without feeling worn out or at the very least short of breath. I detest violence but have no qualms about self defence however, unless I was very VERY lucky I would be a pretty easy target. I know a little martial arts but I haven't trained properly in years. Ironically this is down to the depression. At the end of this blog I will post a link to a short animated film about depression and hopefully it can explain better than I can in words what it can be like.

To return briefly to my recent period of depression, I must say that it is still very much there. One longs for these things to pass but once you have experienced an "event" that triggers it you are still reminded of the thing almost every waking moment - it is a vicious circle. My recent episode was not due to being threatened but it certainly didn't help. There is a Chinese proverb that says; "Drops of water will, in time, fill a barrel". So having been progressively weakened over the past couple of years it is always a cumulative series of events that can lead one to buckle under the strain. Unfortunately I cannot write about a VERY serious crime that was committed against me as a younger person. I cannot even be vague about it but I can say that via legal channels nothing can be done nor will it be. I wanted to "settle the score" on my own but I think that would be a REALLY stupid thing to do. I will just have to live with it.

I know of one particularly unpleasant lobster that recently said to me; "You've really got to get your shit together". I was stunned by such a statement as to my ears it was like blaming ME for having depression. To my mind such "advice" was like telling an amputee to grow a new limb or shouting at a paraplegic ordering them to get on their feet. I can only take comfort in the fact that the man that said this to me is an asshole for offering such "advice" and his true character is revealed in the fake concern embodied in such rhetoric. There is NO concern other than to see me suffer further.

I do hope to post some more before the weekend but for now I am just glad that I managed to write this much and that I am in reasonable enough health to be able to have done so. Thanks to you dear reader for looking me up again and hopefully you will again soon. For now I just ask if you could watch the video I have posted a link to and if you do have any friends or family members that are sufferers then try and show it to those people that just do not understand the condition of these people and the suffering that they sometimes experience. I genuinely believe that if more people knew that being stigmatised for being bipolar or for any mental health condition for that matter only makes things far worse for those that suffer from the condition. Stigma itself only increases the burden which in turn makes taking steps towards an effective recovery even more difficult. To those that continue to read the blog, thanks for checking back and staying loyal. My very best wishes to you whoever you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=XiCrniLQGYc

 

Day #192 - Am I taking crazy pills here?!?!??

After all of my wishing that things would improve in my mental health life stuff has still been making its' way into the gears and cogs of my "life machine". The usual thing that happens is that you swing up, get too high and then descend raucously into a pit of despair, and then, back again. The time taken moving between these two states of mind can vary.  I believe that it may not be unrelated to the passing of time and a greater awareness of ones' own mortality. I don't think that I fear death but I do fear pain and suffering and probably most of all - being alone. Not to say that there is anything wrong with solitude as we all like a bit of alone time. I think that the fear is compounded by the worry that the alone time will never end. It was Issac Newton that famously said "What goes up, must come down!". Maybe he didn't say it but he is credited with it. Now it is pretty obvious that bipolar disorder involves moving or cycling between two differing extremes. One can be happy and then sad. Sometimes one will swing very rapidly between these two states but often it can be much slower. The negative thing about this variance is that one cannot prepare adequately or know in advance of how long the transition will take. I have been rapid cycling for the past two weeks and it bothers me a great deal. This is because it is during slower cycling periods that one can be more effective at getting things done and as I have pointed out a number of times throughout the blog, practical action, productive work and worthwhile results can be of enormous benefit in maintaining equilibrium.

At the moment I am having all manner of computer problems - I am pretty sure that I have been hacked remotely. This is not paranoia but simply me, expressing a view of things based on real-time observation and experience. I have not arrived at this conclusion haphazardly. It warrants further investigation in order to gain a more rounded view of the situation. I am going to close now as the pop-ups that keep appearing, telling me that I am running low on disk space are driving me nuts. Did I hear someone say "Driving?"

Until next time dear reader. thanks for being there and I will post again soon. I have a lot to say and hopefully enough time in which to say it.

Day #175 - Too long off the bridge...

 
I cannot believe that it is almost three weeks since I posted. I suppose it could have been called a funk or something. For many days I arrived at some fertile post title and was immediately flooded by ideas but then, as is so often the case; POOF!  Gone. Smashed like a billiard ball out of the path of the "right thing" by a bombardment of "new" information. The first book about ADD that I looked at following my diagnosis was called "Driven To Distraction" by Hallowell and Ratey...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Driven_to_Distraction_%28ADHD%29

"New" information is the term I use to refer to any stimulus that distracts from the desired object of focus. When I first started reading about some of those with ADD it was like reading a biography of myself in some cases. The desire to seek out high-stimulation situations and environments as well as the total willingness to "throw caution to the wind" whilst simultaneously KNOWING that this wasn't really quite right. It always seemed to me that I knew but only afterwards or long before, never at the time in question. That often lead to what can only be described as stupid behaviour. One of the things that I recognise in the condition is the whole being guided as it were, by the constant bombardment of new and interesting "things". Whilst ADD has to a great extent enabled me to learn about many different things it has been a curse when it comes to staying focused. There are times though during which it is possible to hyperfocus. You can get completely immersed in whatever it is you are doing and usually make a great job of it. IF one can keep that momentum going then  it can be great. There is then of course, the looming difficulty in the whole "getting too high" thing that I have covered previously Once mania steps in the inevitable crash makes it tedious. One can also become very laissez faire about whatever it is they become in engaged in too, confident that all will be well but in actual fact the waters are rising around you quietly. Sometimes it is good to know when stupidity is getting an upper hand.

I chose the title of this post to describe a Master or Commander of a vessel, absent from the bridge and thus their true responsibilities. I don't want to lend too much gravity to it but even writing a blog like this is a responsibility to myself and I ought be doing more. I chose the title to describe the laxness on that front but also the "fog" that one can find themselves in difficult waters. It can help to be able to see better.

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For the past couple of weeks (months?) I have been trying to get my van sorted out with all of the necessary documents for roadworthiness. The cost of the mandatory test is €111.16 with a retest fee of €43.58 - the retest to be taken within 21 days. I have spent a bunch of money on this van and it is just gobbling it up. The thing failed the test last week after I had new tyres fitted and had some brake hoses replaced. There are a few things that will cost more money to put right after the test revealed the need for a number of pretty expensive parts that will be time consuming to fit. There is no doubt that having the van is great and being able to move around is VERY useful but the expense so far has been punishing in terms of the "hidden extras".

I don't really have that much more to report for now only to apologise for the protracted absence to those that read regularly. Welcome too to all of those reading in new parts of the world. Like I have written more than a few times, I will try harder to write more often. It just gets a bit foggy sometimes when there is so much that needs to be done.

Day #156 - And furthermore...

After I awoke this morning and cleared the end of the dreams from my mind I waited for just a moment to get my bearings before I went to wash and get the breakfast ready. Whilst I sat and was getting ready to get started. I was reminded of my previous post from yesterday "Day #155". I thought about what I really wanted to describe but being tired and not being able to find the correct words to help an idea develop I decided to think some more.

We are all instinctively equipped to know when something is a little out of the ordinary. This skill is something that we developed many thousands of years ago and was something that as a human race we all became dependent upon in order to ensure our own survival. I am sure that anyone reading this has experienced a feeling of something that "wasn't quite right" or a feeling of apprehension that was based on something that they "felt". I am not suggesting that this is some kind of "sixth sense" - though I do hold that we "experience" a lot that cannot attributed directly to sight, sound etc.

This feeling and the way it guides us can be described as "intuition", "instinct", "experience" or even "luck" and frequently is described as such. Further to this as a person moves through life and they "develop" this feeling or skill they may be able to enjoy greater success in life and also possibly in society (if that is what they are after). We have all experienced that feeling of intense confidence that can come with being equipped with the knowledge, a priori, that we ARE going to win and that there is no other outcome. To be sage enough to be able to accept defeat should it arrive or not may well determine the outcome of further "development" of our success.

So, to return briefly to mental illness. I genuinely believe that if someone that doesn't know you is presented with the information that you have "mental problems", you are more than likely to be treated differently than you would were you presented as having just won a literary award or medal for some achievement. Beyond that you have "famous" people. I have met plenty of them and I can guarantee that they are just human and in many cases a bit odd, like ANY human I suppose. I have seen (especially young women) completely lose control in the presence of their idol. This idol is just an ordinary bag of flesh and bones but the key difference in popular perception between the idol and the ordinary "man on the street" is the manner and way in which they have been presented to the public and the media. The "wrapper" in which they find themselves.

We are often given "wrappers" by other people. Someone that has achieved something in life may wish to keep it private ("leaving it in the box"?) Or, they may decide to present this new "information" or "intelligence" in a certain way; to many or few, with grandiosity or humility, with self-effacement or arrogance. Regardless of whichever "wrapper" that they decide to put the information into it must be remembered that the way a person reacts to the other all depends on the "wrapper" and also the way in which the "wrapper" is "sold" to you. For example...

Imagine that you are at a party and you are being introduced to a number of "new" people by some friend. At a distance your "friend" gives you some bio information about the person you are about to be introduced to. The way that you will view this new person is entirely dependent on the information you have been given (in the form of the bio) and the way that it is presented to you. This is what I call the "wrapper".  You are much more likely to be amenable to a prize-winning author than a violent and deceptive deviant. This is nothing more than common sense. Of course it would be the acme of foolishness to get too cosy with a proven criminal. What if however that the inverse were true. That your friend doing the introductions "got their wires crossed" and mixed the people up - this all being based on how that person was "sold" to them at some earlier point. This might go some way to explaining the phrase, "Mud sticks!"

For years I knew a woman who just sneeered at me and gave me dirty looks every time I saw her. I was a bit non-plussed by this AND confused because I hadn't the faintest idea in the world who she was. EVERY single time that I saw her there would just be this obvious frowning scowl. One day, I guess it was really just curiosity but I walked up to her and asked straight out. She immediately "went into one" and started cursing and berating me. I noticed though that she was accusing me of stuff that happened whilst I wasn't even in the country . It turns out that she thought that I was another person entirely, someone that had a slightly similar name to mine. This simple case of mistaken identity (probably based on jumping to conclusions more than anything else) lead to months of pure hatred from this woman towards me. It also meant that were I to have been described by the woman to anyone that didn't know me THEIR impression would have been completely coloured by the way in which I was presented to them and the ideas that they developed subsequently.

This is an area in which a lobster can excel at dragging down another. The more experienced lobster can just present a small bit of false information - delivered with "sincerity" and also mild ambiguity - and THEN let the "story" take on a life of its' own. Sparsely distributed disinformation may take a little time to gather momentum but momentum it shall gather and a great deal. With this then one might be able to end up occupying a whole new position in the hearts and minds of others all because of either a case of mistaken identity but as is often the matter these days - lobsterism.

I would advise anyone reading this to look up "Kim's Game" (Game of the Jewels) on wikipedia or some such and learn about something that would be of great assistance in helping to develop a sharp memory and efficient recall (especially in the young).

Thank you dear reader, have a good day and productive week. be happy and remember that ultimately we can determine what "wrapper" we are put into.

 

Day #155 - Four Non Blogs

I tried recently to really get a grip on more consistent posting and on four occasions I wrote and ranted and then just abandoned the posts. Although the most popular blog entries are the ones that are in some way "sensational" I don't really want to get too bombastic with the "adventure stories" just yet. There is quite a bit that I want to write but I guess that you must be "in the form" for it. I am not currently "in the form". One thing that I do want to write about though is mental illness. I want to describe it in VERY broad terms as it would be wrong and slightly irresponsible to start proffering opinions in a focused way. I have no idea what it is like to be a cat or a teapot so I cannot venture to say. I will recommend a good essay on such matters and that is one called "What is it Like to be a Bat?" by Thomas Nagel. The full essay can be found at the link below...

http://rintintin.colorado.edu/~vancecd/phil1000/Nagel.pdf

It is a good read and can possibly be of use in developing perspectives on consciousness. 

It was Frank Zappa (I think) that said..."if you meet someone that has a cold or a sneeze or a broken leg you feel sorry for them but if they are developing a mental health condition then; THEY'RE CRAZY!!!" 

If I meet someone before they get any idea that there are some mental health issues they seem fine when they don't know. But when I may meet with them AFTER they know there is usually a marked difference in their behaviour between the "before" person and the "after" person. The "overcompensation" that one collides with at times is truly palpable in most cases. In their efforts to appear more relaxed and at ease it is easy to see that some folks are really just not at ALL comfortable. I have become very candid about describing my health issues as I find it better that folks get to know early on if they are likely to be spending any time around you. There are degrees of severity with any condition but I am pleased to say that I am pretty sure that there are no microphones hidden in the wall, under the beds, cameras in the library, I really AM Lady Gaga etc. MY difficulty is that I may drop into a deep depression at anytime or other times I may be euphoric and full of enthusiasm. I find it helps for others that IF they are aware you may burst into tears at any moment then you yourself are much less likely to so if not burdened by the anxiety that goes with being afraid of doing so. Many years ago being Bipolar was all about getting sedated but these days treatments such as cognitive behavioural therapy, counselling, a good diet and plenty of exercise are widely considered to be very beneficial. Some medicines too have transformed the life of the person with the condition. There are "before" and "after" scenarios in there too.

Stress can be the big problem. It can "grease the wheels" for the onset of a down. Anxiety leads to a poor appetite and desire to punish oneself. This thinking will exacerbate any looming depression and thus the cycle commences. It is the ability to identify this situation early on in the scheme of things that can be of real help in staying in good form. Sometimes though it just arrives and there is very little that one can do to avoid it, so, it is as well to steer through. I would also urge anyone that there is no shame in trying to talk to someone either. Last week I was very glad that I had a couple of people to talk to. Anyone that suffers from bipolar KNOWS that it can be hard to stretch out a bit and try to interact but if we can try, at least then we are on the way to getting out of the funk. It is also true that most bipolar people know that when you are in it - you're in it.

There are sometimes more difficult obstacles to be overcome. Imagine, for example, that your own self-esteem had been eroded to the point that you felt the situation is hopeless. This is obviously not a nice place to be in and the best thing to do at that point is to try to remember that you have been there before and that it DOES get better. Easy to say, hard to hear, but well worth listening to.

To all that consider themselves "apart" from those with the mental equivalent of a light sneeze (or a broken leg) I would ask them to carefully reconsider that not all people are "nuts" - they just need some sincerity and hopefully respect. I have seen it and it can bring out the best in people of all kinds and on either end too. If your new acquaintance upon receiving such good manners still considers themselves Batman or Captain Nemo well then probably best to give them a little space.

Sometimes a person may shout out to themselves seemingly. Sometimes someone will think that they are twenty times their own weight and terribly ugly. Sometimes someone may seem to have just too much energy or does not appear to be able to listen. Sometimes someone might just cry for no apparent reason. Nobody sets out to be like that but sometimes it just cannot be avoided.





 

Day # 146 - NO! That isn't finished yet.

WARNING - EXPLICIT CONTENT THAT IS QUITE UNPLEASANT. PLEASE NAVIGATE AWAY FROM THIS PAGE IF YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE SHOCKED. DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER EXCEPT AT YOUR OWN RISK. I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY OFFENCE CAUSED BY THE CONTENT ON THIS PAGE.















I often wanted to write a piece of music that was "an apology to the world" and I still think of it a lot. During the past six weeks or so I decided that it was ok to have a few pints but what has been happening is that with other events and stress I have been returning to that old cycle of self-medicating using alcohol. When I look back at my life virtually all the mad stuff that I did was reacting to stress and then letting that take hold, have a few beers and then go do something really stupid. I look back and hate myself for all of the stupid stuff that I have done and said. 

Many years ago I wanted to become a soldier. I had done some basic stuff in the reserve forces but I wanted to join up full-time and live the life. My family has a strong tradition of military service and I so wanted to be part of that. I discovered in my late teens that I was colour blind and also have some heart trouble. Whilst I love the former (along with ADD) I am not a massive fan of the idea of heart problems. I never became a serviceman although I did work for a while in security. I hated it. I think that the only thing I miss are some of the people that I worked with.

I cannot begin to describe the feelings of needless guilt and self hatred that seem to have gotten way worse during the past ten years. I put it down to the stuff that is going on in the world and my sensitivity to it. I wish that I was a better man but I am not really doing that well at it lately. I have always tried my best to be real but that "real" isn't to the liking of many people. Those that do get on with me - I value their friendship a great deal.

As may have been apparent from the past few posts I have been rapid cycling with depression and even thinking "What's the point?" but I HAVE to keep going. In order to do that effectively I need to try and withdraw and reconsider my options. A short time back - less than six months I became friendly with a Gentleman that is interested in radio and technology. We have never met but we correspond via email and have exchanged a couple of letters. It is a strange thing that though we have never met I value his friendship a great deal. I hope that it will continue. In correspondence he has given me some sage advice but of late I have (probably) burdened him with manic behaviour, nonetheless the man has been very kind and tolerant of me and has been a great help in assisting me in my efforts to do certain stuff in radio. It is the fact that plain, simple effortless kindness, a TRUE human kindness, still exists that makes me keep going.

I would like to put all of my mistakes right. I'd love to be able to apologise to everyone that I was rude or unpleasant to. I would love to make amends with those I have offended or p*ssed off. One cannot just aim at being a "people pleaser" - THAT is ridiculous and I find that sort of moral obsequiousness to be suspect. I have had a few false starts during the past week or so but I have decided that today is going to be the beginning of the change. I am going to try to get back on the horse because I must. I am no good to anyone in a depressed state so it is up to me to try and get a handle on this. I usually get about one manic period per year but the current one is easily the longest lasting and certainly the most painful. I am finding it virtually impossible to eat. I am reminded that it is important when I think of a saying from an old and VERY dear friend; "An empty bag won't stand!" - I am going to try and eat today.

I just want to say here and now that I am sorry for the things that I have done that weren't nice to people. I am sorry if I was ever insulting or bad mannered. I apologise unreservedly to those I have offended but I make no excuse for any retort I have made towards aggression and threatening behaviour.

When I was a child some pretty awful stuff happened to me and sometimes I had to watch people that I loved get hurt and feel pain. I also did something that I hate myself for. I was about 12 years old and I found a small cat that was stray. I brought him to my Grandmother's house and gave him some food. I loved playing with him and making him purr. I had no idea about what was going to happen. My Grandmother had become very unwell after her first born son had died. He was a robust man in his mid forties that died in his sleep from a cerebral hemorrhage. I used to spend a lot of time with my Grandmother after my uncle died. She became very depressed and drank a fair bit as a result of her son's death. I am not trying to rationalise here but I must get it off my chest so to speak. About a week after the cat came along I came in from school early as we were given a "half-day". My Grandmother was quite upset and it was easy to tell that she had been crying and had been drinking. Please don't get me wrong - she wasn't a big drinker but she did get like that after her son died.  I went looking for the cat and I was told that he was in the back yard , he was dirty and "full of fleas" and that I would have to get rid of him. There was a lot of arguing from me but my Gran was insistent. I didn't understand and I couldn't question. I was told to "get rid" of the cat. I tried to explain that I couldn't just throw him out. I was then told that the world can be a cruel place sometimes and that sometimes we have to do things that are hard. I was beginning to understand but then I realised that I was being to told to do away with the cat. This was to be something that I was bound to take responsibility for.

I carried him to the sea near where I lived and then I had to "do away with" the cat. That was nearly 40 years ago and there is rarely a day that I don't think of it. I feel terrible for having to have killed that innocent creature and I so truly wish that I didn't. When I did it I was a little upset and that passed after a week or so but since early adulthood it haunts me. I have always loved cats and try to support feline rescue work in some small way. I would like to have one around but I am afraid that my depression would get worse. I can never forget having done that though and in many ways I feel terrible when that awful day comes to mind.

For years I spent a lot of time doing some really, REALLY crazy stuff and I have thought was I living like that in order to be killed? Some sort of desire to be punished maybe. I don't know. The important thing now is to try and stay alive to be able to do the right thing. I wish that folks understood that I harbour no hatred and that I just want to live a peaceful life. Perhaps maybe contribute to the betterment of the earth or just cultivate a little happiness in the hearts of those that seek the same.

To all of those that I have hurt or offended I am truly sorry. There are a half a dozen things that stand out as events that I regret. I always will regret those things no matter how trivial but I hope that I am forgiven. I sincerely hope dear reader that I still have some respect from you BUT to those that will pick apart the blog and use the content to develop new ways of hating and cultivating hatred, I wish you nothing but piss poor bad luck with it.