Day #99 - That'll give him something to blog about

FIRST - APOLOGIES FOR NOT BEING TOO UP TO DATE, THINGS HAVE BEEN QUITE ARDUOUS. GETTING THROUGH IT MIND.

BUT,


For the past few weeks things have been a bit difficult. I have had my college deadlines looming and as has been the case for the past couple of years I get pretty unwell. I haven't self-harmed in months and though that I was past the things that would make me behave like that. In my life I have a few things hanging in the balance. Some are quite nasty in their own way but I have been dealing with them as much as I can in a sensible and balanced fashion. In many respects I feel confident that my position is considered safe and I am glad but the potential for upheaval that always seems to creep back under times of duress. This is a symptom of the anxiety that comes along with post-traumatic stress. The "disorder" part of it has never been an appealing term within the diagnosis but it is what it is and I am so very glad that I am in much more control of my anxieties that I have been in the past.

Two days ago I got busy with a razor on myself. I hate doing it but as I have heard someone say when asked if they hated doing it, they replied; "It feels better". I understood this reply to mean that it felt better, relatively, than the thing that was hurting them so much. I have always been of the desire to be punished. Not engaging in some masochistic peccadillo but more to experience being blown to pieces in a missile attack or being shot with cannon at close range - the messier the better. No martyrdom just basically being disintegrated. That thinking is obviously absurd but when Kurt Cobain penned the lyric "I Hate Myself and I Want to Die" I kind of got it. Morrissey has a few choice ones too. It can be like that in the depression that can often preceed the downs that come. I am trying my best to keep doing as much of the "right thing" as I can.

I really love doing productive work, turning ideas into realities, being available and subsequently effective. I have always been flattered by the opportunity that comes when one is turned to as the "man that can" and although my glory days were few and a long time back I am still trying to work on little victories. Even being able to sit here and write this in moderately positive mood is a great reward to me and helps me consider that it is right to keep going. Again I am reminded of Winston Churchill's words; "When you are going through hell, keep going!" Solid advice as any one might encounter regardless of ones view of the man. I thought that he was pretty ok, made a few mistakes but was solid and kept going. I like the fact that he wasn't going to let fear get the better of him especially given his lifelong struggle with bipolar disorder.

Bipolar rage can be a most terrible thing and when you're in it you lose sight of the damage that it can do to you and those around you. I hate being bad tempered - it has cost me dearly on a number of occasions but I have always tried to avoid it with various coping mechanisms. Last night at around 2:00am my van had its' door mirror smashed and twisted off by a person that I am pretty sure I know. I also know well that he knows me. The van, which I only bought a couple of months back has been an enormous help with me looking after my Mother and getting around doing stuff. I take her to her day centre, do the shopping (properly) and we go for drives that are always pretty good for a laugh and relaxation. The person that damaged my van has upset my Mother and that to me is a bit of a dumb thing to do. I wish all manner of unpleasantness on the individual concerned until such time as I have all the relevant details of their mistakes - this is probably the same chap that made shit of my motorcycle earlier this year. This person is a coward. No mettle at all. None. Slightly brazen, but then so are many animals, even those which for their breed, ought display more well directed intellect as opposed to base and instictive behaviour. After all is this not what differentiates between humans and beasts. Such an individual is basically masturbating and howling about their emission. They are, put simply, a wanker. Toss-pot or similar. Please excuse the use of such language but it is essential to convey their character. Bit of a lobster too only slightly deformed.

Anyway, they have crossed a line again. I nearly always give a second chance to everyone that crosses a line. This "person" - and I use the term loosely, has no chances now. I care little for how long I take to initiate a corrective measure. It is nothing I am worried about. I know how it basically will go. Very basically.

Thanks for having read this dear reader and apologies once again for not having been on my game blog wise. I have quite a few radio adventures to impart in due course but this entry has been really to offer some perspective to an individual that has little else available with regard to the current state of our "relationship".

If there is a downside I need to say that it saddens, angers and disappoints me that I have the provocation that will lead to the best I can offer. The worst that I can wage. Devil take the hindmost.